Iridescent Heart - Shiri Shi Shimasu

[Benyah]

Year: 1205AD
1 Year before the birth of Shiri Shi Shimasu

A minor noble hailing from the mountainous regions of Xuefang, finds himself within a tavern just beyond the boundaries of Delphina. He sat alone in the bar, unaccompanied by any of his suitors, nor superiors. 

Slowly, the door cracks open, a pink haired lady with brown eyes enters the tavern... 
She sits just beyond his reach, but it took no genius to tell the young lord was awestruck by the maiden's beauty. 

He spoke onto her, in a formal, yet pompous tone, as if speaking down to her:
"I presume, your kind does not know the standard rules of decorum? Might I wonder if you levy no greetings to your royalty, here?"
Ever aggressive, ever offensive the lord was, even before things he had fell in awe with, he portrayed disdain. 

She responded to him in a kind tone, almost, lovingly at that:
"You are owed nothing in this land."



And that's where it all began. A budding love between a lord, and a commoner within a distant land. 

Their love was intense, and dramatic. It fell as if, to the two lovers their romance was doomed to fail, as the young lord, named
[b]Shinichi Shigenobu had further ambitions, and it certainly would not end with someone who did not advance his status. 


Alas, out of wedlock, they had a child and her name was to be...

Shiri Shi Shimasu[/b]

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The bastard child of Lord Kasai Shinichi was born onto this world, her name was given to her as a gift, and yet, a clever play upon his last name, her heritage.

She was to be named: "Shiri Shi Shimasu" utilising the "Shi" in "Shinichi" and "Shigenobu" three times, and for the last name in that particular context it meant: "To do something".  She was bestowed a pink blanket, and a ring which held the insignia of her father's household:

It was his statement, and final gift to his child before abandoning her. The knowledge that she was born 'to do something' in this grand world. 

Her father being out of the picture made things difficult for her mother, but she struggled through as best she could. Sadly, her health rapidly declined after the departure of Shiri's father, and soon there after the child was alone, forced to fend for itself within the lush streets of Delphina. 

But the child had grit, it did odd jobs and worked hard to be able to feed itself from a young age. Growing older, Shiri paid a tutor to teach her how to read, and write. But of course, she was never raised to have proper etiquette. This made her appear rude, or lacking decorum even from a young age. 

---

She became a woman:

Aged 18, having known a life of hard work, grit, and determination she decided to reach out, to make friends. She met a prince, his name was Vanitas. Far younger than she was, but still, successful all the same.

She met an olderman by the name of Adrian, and he bestowed upon her words of earnest encouragement, she was moved. 
She met a young man with red hair, and antlers, he provided her items to use in battle, and carried her around the city and beyond on a minor adventure. 

She met the Lady Regent, Miyumi S. Irontail, who had assumed Shiri was of Xuefeng's heritage. Though she was correct, Shiri didn't know it at the time, and denied such a claim.

She met Yuki Akatsuki, a kind lady who offered her an escort back home, and had slain boars that chased her.
She met Chouko, an aspiring lawyer and artificer.

But she couldn't help but feel as if...
Something was missing, she was listless, vacant, without purpose, without a place to belong to.

She found purpose, bestowed upon her by Yuki, a job within Prospera that was prosperous, more money than she knew what to do with, a fine cozy apartment inside of the city, a bath so big it could be considered a pool, and in came new attire, it was expensive, how could she ever afford this...
To have such a life...

If not for Yuki. 

---

A year went by

Externally, Shiri seemed fine. The same old happy, nervous, and curious Researcher who had a knack for hard work. But...
Her experiences, the things she had seen, and the things she had to do to gain a slither of the respect nobles were given at birth made her bitter, envious, and angry at the world.

Not to mention, her lack of tact made it difficult for her when approaching women, she felt as if she was difficult to love, or atleast something women did not want, not for more than one night anyway, as evidence by her first time.

She often thought to herself: "Why couldn't I of been born better?" "Why was I cursed to live this life?" (A noble.)

She felt as if she deserved more. To be up there among the stars...like those hoised above her in society, were. 
Adrian said onto her some words of wisdom, he told her he saw what she desired in her hands in the future, and commented on the fact people seem to want what they aren't, or don't have.

For Adrian, it was the lack there of nobility he desired. Shiri was too young at the time to understand where he was coming from, or the full weight of what he was conveying...

But some day, maybe in her older years she'd understand. But that day was not now. 

Shiri continued, gathering more influence, meeting more people, conducting more research, hoping one day, she too, would attain the heights of those who were born into a better life.

Shiri often gazed upon the ring she held since she was a child, but she never wore it in public. She merely kept it on her person to observe when she wasn't having the best of days. She always longed to learn of it's meaning...

Maybe someday.

---

At present:
Shiri spends most of her time within Xuefeng, she finds herself to be appreciative of Miyumi S. Irontail, as well as her family. 

She feels at peace within Xuefeng, as well as intrigued by matters which she's been permitted to conduct research on by Miyuhiko S. Irontail.

She makes travels across the continent constantly, and she has met a tremendous amount of people. In fact, she had even gained the audience of the Archduke, who had torn her to shreds, and rebuilt her at the same time, filling her with hope, and a longing to succeed. 

[Benyah]

 Who am I really? 

---

Another day, another lady makes way into my quarters, of course she was invited. 
I can't help but wonder if there's not something more within this world, for me. 


And I'm tired of people saying the same things "you'll find love" "such things work out on their own"; I don't care. I'm tired of hearing it.
I want a crown to cast a shadow upon my imperfections. I desire more coin that I can spend in a reasonable time. I desire more recognition to drown those who doubt to death in my acclaim. 

Maybe I'm taking things too seriously... 
But I'm tired of all of these privileged nobles deciding: "I"ve already got it good enough, I want to be like you, the poor commoner"
But we all want what we can't have...

I acknowledge my hypocrisy. Well, I look upon those with lesser and they say: "You're blessed Shiri". I would've looked at myself and said that now. To think in a year I've come so far, and yet I neglect to deny some things being whispered in my ear.


You'd find this the part of the story where I grow up, and stop craving what it is I don't have, and settle for what I do, but it has been offered to me. Play my cards right...

But what's the right move? See, this play called power is a lot like a woman. How do I say the right words to make it work? How do I do the right things to get the best outcome?

Questions which you'll never have the answers for... I guess you've just got to... try your best! Hope for the stars, and at worst land in the sky. Remain faithful, remain hopeful, don't lose yourself and stay true to you.

Maybe... I should take my own advice…instead of hypothetically ranting into a journal, as if it is a friend I can confide my truest, and darkest thoughts within.

---

[Benyah]

War & Mania

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The pressure is on; this one is complicated, and it's going to get ugly. 
It seems friends will be torn apart due to this war.
But what must be done, will be done.
I said what I said, and I've chosen what I've chosen. 
 I'm living on that hill.
Funny how things have turned out, I thought I'd always be by your side.

... 

It's a shame. But we are slaves to the men and women that lead us.

When they say 'bark' we ask 'how loud'.

Doing the contrary may lose their favor, or at worst, draw ire.

Maybe Blackwater was onto something, after all.

... 

Whatever though, I'm coming out of this alive, I swear it.

...

I'm struggling to keep my shit together.

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[Benyah]

Everything is fucked.

[Benyah]

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I'm a person, I know that I am. 

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I deserve to be respected, my goals and ambitions deserve that same courtesy as well, and not thrown onto the floor and trampled upon. 

So he's beaten me, in an attempt to break my body for what? Because I said I wanted more than what I was told? Because I told him to sod off because I don't need the disrespect?
So what's this all for. Why am I even in Fortune, what's the point of what I'm trying to do?

Yeah I was out there crying infront of everyone, how are they suppose to have respect for me now?
5,000 and fire seared down to my bones. That's what I'm worth. 

I keep trying to do what's best for my clan, what's best for my goals, but I keep messing it up horribly.
How many times am I going to keep failing before I get it right?

How can anyone look to me for leadership if I can't lead myself to make the right decisions when it truly matters. 
Do I dust myself off, bandage my words, harden my resolve and take the fight to the world?

Or do I just wallow in agony within this house on borrowed time. What am I worth?
What was the point of coming so far out here, what was the point of this. 

I wish I could go back in time and burn my old self to the ground. Take her place, and make better decisions.

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I don't think I believe in anything anymore. 
It's sickening really, I people I've known for years and they just feel like strangers. 
I barely understand them, I can barely understand how this was someone I knew.


Do I keep pushing forward like this? For what purpose does trying serve. Another accusation, another disagreement, another failure. It's a repetitive cycle, there's always something wrong with everything and I'm just done with people.

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[Benyah]

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27

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I remember when I was 18. 
I was young, scared, and naive. Not only that, but I wanted to make a name for myself, I wanted to contribute something to this world. 

Now, I'm 26, about to be 27. I wish I could go back in time and make different decisions, there are so many things I'd do differently.
I guess I didn't know it then, but I was making memories. For my dead friends, and those I cared for, I couldn't imagine today I'd be without you. I try to ignore it, but it haunts me every day to think of the ones we've lost. I fear, even greater, the ones I will lose. Or, leave behind.

I don't know, maybe I should've tried harder to be a fighter, maybe I should've ... 
All these could've would've should've's.  

I'm exhausted, but it's never the right time to rest. 
Everything's going to be alright, new beginnings over old endings.
Even if it doesn't feel right.

I wonder if I've reached my limit, I wonder if there's higher for me to go than here. I'm 26, I'm in my prime, the finest I've ever been, the most accomplished I've ever been. The strongest... I've ever been.
Do I only go downward from here? If I died right here, would they remember me?

And what would they remember me for? 

Hopefully for trying my best.

I remember when I first started on my journey, people looking down on me. I bet they pitied me, thought I wasn't going to make anything of myself.
What are they saying now? Have they realized how I've become over the years?

But I don't want to stop here… I want to keep going, I want to show them how wrong they were.

Regardless… 

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I want to go higher.
I want to be remembered.

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Can you take me higher?

[Benyah]

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Years of effort and dedication, though I wonder. 
Does anyone respect me?

Seems not, I'm done anyway. Who cares.

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[Benyah]

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They're saying I quit, they're saying I abandoned what I've worked for, toiled for, and bled for. 
I'm not sure what for, last I checked I've just stopped caring for the opinions of others. 

Who cares if I'm respected, I've done all that was expected.

I need to decompress before the coming missions, I've done alot of 'proselytizing' but this one should feel different.
People have a habit of misperceiving my disposition.  I guess I behave different from what I feel, what I think. 

Sometimes, I just can't control my emotions and I get out of control. It drives me to extremes, I'm trying to master them, but I've always been like this, Ansel told me when I was younger I was developing a bad reputation due to it. I managed to control it for a few years, now? Spiraling back into old habits. What can I say? I'm stressed out.

Still.

I don't get how people talk shit about me, I came from nothing, I wore rags and Fantsay P. Kasca gave me 1,000 crowns to pay for my first change of clothes. I was so stupid, I thought I stole the money when it was a genuine gift. Yuki Akatsuki saved me from a boar in Prospera, could you believe?

You know, they barely paid me attention in Dal'Thala, beyond Sir Adrian, sometimes Vanitas? Whenever he wasn't being emotional, atleast. 
I asked them for a job, they offered me one. But I wanted more, I wanted to rise up the ranks, I wanted to make a name for myself, and if I wasn't taken seriously in my homeland, to do something more than that, I'd need to improve myself overseas, maybe go home later when the world knows my name. 

So I went, out into the world I strived, my first job in Prospera as a researcher, travelled the whole world and met 'Prince Marfons' 'Knight Rio Caldrott' 'Camilia Ediernon' and 'Alain'. It was great, they just felt to be so genuine, far different than what I had been feeling. I told Camilia back then, I was jealous of her... Or I envied her. Noble Knights, and here I was a coward unable to wield a sword. But... Radahn changed that.

I met a lot of people, I spent a few years in Xuefeng, I spent some in Midpoint, I knew a few faces in Serenity, Who doesn't know me in Gloomlight? I've travelled the world, I've met, and I've engaged with every philosophy, every viewpoint, every position there is to have in these lands. And in all of it, I've found love. I've even spent some nights in Atrellya. 

I've fought my battles, I've lost them, I've gotten injured gravely, to this day I'm still not fully fixed. 

With all of that, I've also learned what true and genuine evil is, I've learned the true depths of the soul, how far someone is willing to go to achieve their goals. These experiences changed me to my core, and I found myself gripping with reality for a long time, I'd have flashbacks about things that happened, or sometimes I'd relive that very moment repetitively, for hours I'd stress about only thinking about past events, and never looking ahead. 

I've been steadily getting better with this problem, but I'm not handling it well, still. Sometimes my aggression feels compulsive, I just make situations worse because in my mind I have to be on top, and to not have the last laugh is pathetic. Some sort of sick competition, no doubt created by some insecurities.

Make a name for myself, I wanted that badly, I remember Prospera, Midpoint. Then I moved to Fortune, I wanted something stable, I wasn't content to just travel forever. 

I moved my clan there, I cared for them and I trained them. I built them from the ground up, but I wasn't alone. I had the King, I had their friends, I had the Queen, I had the woman I love, and they're becoming something worth note.  

On the back drop of that, I rose from a regular marine, to a Reconnaissance Officer, from there to a Seneschal, and from there to the Ambassador, I never derelicted my duties, despite the frequent disappointments. Even if I wasn't perfect.

I fought to get Lavenza back safely as a marine, regardless of what the truth is.
I fought Deathwind as a Reconnaissance Officer, I thought I had a chance to save Pierre, blessed be to the fact that he saved himself. I managed the Surveyors.
As a Seneschal I organized logistics, I got funds, I came up with ideas to fix problems within our military, I tried to get everyone dealt with, and squared away. 
As an Ambassador, I wore my country on my sleeve, and I served in its interests exclusively.

I was there when no nation answered our call, when the Republic was too busy. 
I was there every step of the way, at our lowest point and I kept building, I kept fighting the good fight, and I never once told those around me to give up.
I told them, never to fall to despair.

I had nothing when I started off, now I have a clan, how many know my name? 
I've got 6 blessings right now and that's not including those from Nemea.

And they're all part of my clan. 


I won. I did that, when I go to sleep at night I think, I made it. 
How many other people within these lands can say that? 

And they dislike me, some say I've quit, saying I should find another settlement to abandon.

I worked to hard for this.


Imagine me getting my validation from some individuals who haven't done what I have, who haven't walked a mile in the shoes I have thread. I guess that's why I'm so abrasive, I guess that's why I've stopped caring about consequences. Because there's nothing to prove, it is known who I am, and I've ultimately chosen to be on the side of what is right.

Even if I'm emotionally explosive about it. 
I'm trying my best to do what's right. 

First and foremost.

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[Benyah]

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You had no idea.

No idea.

No idea.

You had no idea.

No idea.

And I'm supposed to accept that's how this ends.

When you had

No idea.

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[Benyah]

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Creating a language using another as a base template is rather difficult.
I want to combine Shengese culture, and Faeborne culture. 

The first step to that, is creating a shared cultural identity through language. Something to call our own, a combination of Sheng, and Dal'Thala. I think I'm going to maintain the 'accent' used within our tongue as a means to bind independent words together

In our dialect, this accent would indicate these words are pronounced together, rather than apart.


"Dor'alanor"
A formal greeting, it means "Hello". 
I think, it's wise to keep the ' whilst shifting around the former half of the statement.

One form of saying such, in both an informal and formal manner in Shengese would be "Konnichiwa"

"Dor'ichiwa"

Hey, that actually doesn't sound too bad. Does it?  This would be a formal version of the term "Hello". Though the literal meaning isn't known in Faeborne, I will insert the literal meaning to be "Good Weather!"


"Lora meni'al"
A farewell, meaning 'walk safely' literally.
I remember my first experience hearing Shengese, it had been when Miyumi told me "Sayonara". This is referenced to be "Farewell" or "Goodbye" and it's very formal. 

"Lora nari'al"
This would literally mean "Fair weather!" However, it's conversational meaning would be "Goodbye"

"Sal'ashi"
Typically used to indicate excitement. In shengese, if you really want to express your excitement, you say "Sosoruze, kore wa!”

So, perhaps if we combine this in some manner it can work..

"Kore'wa'ashi"
Literal meaning being: "Sun's out!" However, it's to express excitement. I think this is a good start, maybe the clan can acclimate quickly to this. I bet speaking to other Faeborne may be somewhat difficult, however as some words are shared, some understanding can be had.

I'll keep working on this. For now, this is all I can do. Ah.. In the event I perish, I sure hope someone finds this journal and continues this...