.... judgement

[Drive]

... is a two way street.



I'd always been the Judge in the eyes of others,
Opinionated,
Objective,
Correct.



Lately,
It's been difficult.
To realize what I must do,
For my worship and duty to the being I'd promised myself,
I look down at the ocean, a bottle in hand and I lose myself in my thoughts.
I look for my reflection, and I can hardly recognize what I can see, all I know that it is not me.

Not the Judge.
Not the Warden's.
Not my own.

I've always held my own opinion above most, because I'd believed it was the right thing to do.
That's why I became His Judge; enacting His Will.
That is why I ask myself still.
Am I deserving?
 


I spend my days in solitude and my only friend as of late, was the damned bottle I'd promised I'd never get near.
That very bottle that I can only find solace in. 
And I stare.
Into the ocean.
At a face I no longer recognize.



I'd prayed for you everyday since I'd made that wretched choice.
Where I picked my own wants over what's right.
Where I'd wanted to be selfish for once.
You never said anything back.
It is not your way.
I know.
I know.
I know I am not deserving.
It is exactly what I'd feared from you.
It is what I'd feared would happen, when I'd dedicated my life for you.
That when I needed you most when I needed guidance, when I'd prayed every single day.
To hear your voice.
Instead.
I sit and stare.
The longer I do.
The less I can see a face.
Like the first men before.
There was no face at all.



That is when I realized.
I am not His anymore.
I do not hear His voice, he never answered.
I have became what he despised the most; filth that overflow Helheim.
I am not deserving.
I am become.



Irredeemable.