I Wanted Wings

[AbstractTraitorHero]

I can taste it that moment where skin was put back on me. The salt of my own tears, the feelings welling within me, as the pain began to fade from me. As I felt his fibers, as I had lips again, I had everything again. I can still taste it, the filth, the fear, the anger, that desperation burning within me as something within me screamed. Every step I take in this body, as I sit across from a man trying to offer me everything, as I sip wine, as I feel so hollow while being offered a third pathway.

Do I really deserve it?

A Piece of Shit?

Like me? Does she really deserve to have a sense of purpose, does she really deserve for Roman to care for her? For Hemlock to care for her, for Kalvorn's words to be flowing, swirling about in my head? Trying to offer me so much, I'm twisted inside & always have been, I can feel my breath giving out, the taste of black trout tastes like the filth. Tastes like it, gritty & unpleasant, my mind swirls, thinking of him, thinking of a mentor while I sip wine, while the world converges.

Of how badly, each time I'm presented with the opportunity. Each time that I think of who I am, each time I feel hollow, this sense of depravity. A cold weight upon me, I'm reminded of for some reason? I keep saving people, I would have died in those floodwaters, I would have died in the sewage of gloomlight, I would have perished, yet more than anything?

I wanted him to live.

I wanted wings, so that moment engrained into me for the rest of my life. That moment of agony & pain, burned alive, that moment of triumph as the sewage & the water flowed & rose by my command. As for the first time in my life I flew, as for the first time in my life, I was unstoppable, I was a savior, I was doing something. That I do every time, with the faeborne, with my mentor, who insults me with that little pet name, when the chips are down, when everything is on the line, when someone's future is about to be stolen from them.

I Act.

Who am I? Who am I supposed to be, why did I let myself feel all these things? Why did I make things so complicated, why did I allow myself to feel these things? I thought I wanted to have power, I thought I wanted to be atop, yet why do all these feelings swirl within me, breaking me, crashing upon me, crumbling me down just like the sea does to the world. I am crumbling apart, I am a rock that has worn down & turned into sand & I am about to crumble inwards.

I want to Die in a War.

I don't want to be seen like this, don't want to have to make a choice. Don't want to be forced to pick a side, to pick a choice for my life. I just want to die, to be forgotten in this moment, to be forced. To have my fate decided, for someone or for me to die & thus, I can just force myself along down a path, let myself go with the flow. Circling around a drain, I'm going crazy, I'm losing it all, I'm about to lose it sipping wine with you, Kalvorn. The death you want to end, seems so fucking.

S w e e t~

[AbstractTraitorHero]

All of it is coming to a head. Everything that I have been, everything that I've ever wanted to be. I can feel it, the way they all begin to slip between my fingers, how I'm burning inside. How this heat is building up, how I know that I'm caught, how I know that this hood is pointless, that this lie was never useful from the beginning.

A P o i s o n

I know they'll try to Stop me.

How I know the truth, how I know deep down. That they won't share it with me, that they've grown sick of me, a trial with me trapped in the center, never told I'm the main participant, that I'm the future defendant on the stand. That I'm the woman trapped within stagnation, offered rebirth & feeling something beginning to eat at me.

Scratching, digging, eating.

Away at me, never stopping, never ending. Pressed right against my forehead, with something so wrong, beginning to spread through me. I can feel it, the way my fortune unravels before me. The way my heart beats ever so off beat, how some part of me wants so badly to live. When I've wanted so badly to die, when I've wanted to just fade away, to crumble in on myself. It kept coming at me, that moment where I can die, yet every time I've flown away, I've done the impossible.

I can't thread this gap.

I can't keep it all together, can't have my hand intertwined with yours. Can't feel a smile so far away, that I've never seen. Can't have my cake & eat it too, I'm swirling down the drain. I've never been worth what you saw me as Roman; I don't know who I could be Kalvorn, beyond this woman who stepped into your life before a tower when you broke free of that prison. It was the most beautiful try you ever made Roman; it was the kindest thing you've ever done Hemlock. But I need to do this, I need to let it all fall apart, let myself fall apart, let whoever's left of me, a woman stuck between three paths shatter & have what's left of her?

Rise From The Ashes.

[AbstractTraitorHero]

I feel empty.

It gnaws at me, the waves crash against this little rock, wears me away. I can't see it; I could never see it. But I hear you, hear your voice whenever I roll my hand along a head. I feel Zerscala's voice flooding through me after. I feel the tug, the ever-present desire for oblivion, when death was vanquished from my mind, yet her cruel echo remains. I can't drag myself away from what I've chosen, I no longer have the right, I rose from the ashes. I found a place for people like me, there will always be people like me, a child asked me if I cared about all that I've done, I would not have if I was younger.

It'd all be so much EASIER.

If you just left my memories. If I scooped them out. If I could forget warm sands at night. I can hear you all atop the wall, hear the night market bustling, can imagine you screaming out my name. Begging for me to come HOME still & some part of me, that I'm forced to discard wants that so badly. Wanted so badly on Krausmas to just walk in & pretend for even a moment that I've never done any of the things that I did. For the gift that I'd give you, all of you could just be?

M e.

Yet we all know it's not possible.

So close, yet so far.

Would you kill me? Would you damn me? Would you scream at me if I'd walked in that day? Do warm sands still want me, truly, genuinely? Will you all keep trying to force me off this path. Chop off my wings, break my horns, rip off my arms, leave me weak & powerless. Free my soul, force me to live with you all, force me to live with all I've done. I want it, want you all to care, want you all to still love me, want you all to do anything & everything to hurt yourself over & over & over & over & OVER.

I can't let you forget.
I can't let you not love me.
I can't forget, I can't forget.

I need you.
I need you to want to save me.
No matter what I do.

No matter what a monster I might become.
No matter who I hurt.
No matter who I kill or maim or break or what I become responsible for.

I want you.
I want all of you.
To obsess over me for eternity, just like I do you.

L o v e m e P l e a s e.

[AbstractTraitorHero]

Friend.

You try to give it to me; you smile upon me with a smile that I can feel. You drag me along, you clutch my claw, you bring me off the path. I can feel you; I can feel my failing heart; I can feel every part of me wanting you. I entwine my claw with your hand, you tell me not to blossom here underneath the cruel moonlight. When I've bloomed so long ago, when I've become so much more than I was & so much less all the same, when I'm stained with blood, when I'm Sinka.

Are you that Water Lotus that would have saved me? Are you that Water Lotus that bloomed in the dark despite everything trying to stop you, that when you reached the light, where you were meant to die. You screamed in denial & the world listened, everyone listened & knew it was wrong to let you wither, to let you die when you'd just reached the light.

I still remember, don't you?

That day we met?

It was over the same thing I'm fighting for now, wasn't it?

Your alive.

Because of me, aren't you? Instead of Catherine, I did it, did the impossible.

The Impossible.

Because when a life was on the line, when the chips are down, when everything is on the line, when someone's future is about to be stolen from them.

I act.

Does that make me worthy of sitting beside you. If I waited & you sat down beside me enough times, would all the blood wash off my scales, would the pain of my failures fade away. Would I manage to be Happy like you want me to be? Would I manage it or would I just not have anything left, not have any excuse, not have any justifications to stop the revolver in my cloak from being used one last time? If I step off this path, for you, for a friend, for so many people who believe in me?

How can I justify living with all that I've done, how can I stop that all from overwhelming me? How would not one shot, one bang, sends me straight to Hel not be what I deserve? How come I get to justify a happy ending for myself, beside you? When the majority of my life has caused misery for the many & joy for the few. When I can feel beneath the waves, the brine covered skulls, the bodies of people who drowned crying out for so much more. helpless like I was born as.

The Path.

It is what I deserve isn't it?
You want so badly to save me from it.
You want me to have a happy ending with you, you want to see a beautiful world.

You. Believe. In. Me.

When you shouldn't, right?
When you should leave me to break & cry upon what I've inflicted upon myself.

I love you.

You're the only one.

That makes me want to believe in them, in?



Happy endings.