Maria Malibu: An Outlaw's Journal

[Hika]

Maria Malibu: and Outlaw's Journal

Chapter 1: The Nilharran

"I grew up in Nilharra, alongside my many siblings. My earlier years are of a fading memory. The plains of Nilharra was the perfect place to raise a rowdy group of children such as my siblings and I. A gentle island, filled with farmlands and a small but tight community. Danger was always at the horizon, miles away from our little home away from home. The dangers and evil's of Meranthe, all of it's politics and chaos was but a mere miles away from our little island. Yet we saw little too none of it. An occasional political figure would come every now and then, or warnings of a pirate attack that would be swiftly held off. I grew up safer than other Meranthian children. Hell, i'm sure I was just as spoiled as royalty. Everyone knows my Mother, they knew who she was and of her political influence. I wonder if they knew the side of her I knew. The cold, stoic, and sometimes unapproachable woman that was Meryl Malibu. I wonder if they saw that flicker of light in her eye when she was with us, combined with that sadness. As if we were both memories of a distant time. Where she felt something else in her soul, something that we were reminders of."

"My family is a rather infamous bunch. Whether it be because of my mother or some other deed, the fact is that my family is spoken in ridicule more than it is fame. It didn't help, me being a mute girl and all. Being ridiculed and made fun of, having people talk behind me and my mother's back. I had no idea about any of this until I was older, of course. But i always felt as if I didn't belong. It was hard to express myself, hard to show who I was when I could barely utter a word from lips. All I wanted was to belong. To not feel as if my presence did not matter."

"All I wanted was to not feel so alone."

"My first years on Nilharra, from what I can remember, were peaceful. I never stepped foot on Meranthe. I simply played with my siblings, explored the island, pulled pranks on the locals. Anything a kid my age would do. It was when I was around eight years old, and when i first began to read, that I discovered the stories buried in my mother's bookshelves. None of my siblings seemed to care for them much. But I always felt attracted to them. The gaudy cover art, the depictions of heroes doing great deeds. The oversimplification of some of the world's most important moments. Mixed in with my mother's cookbooks, music sheets, and recipes were these books of brave and famous heroes. I remember my first read, a tale of a Knight of Osrona. A warrior from an ancient country, alone and afraid, yet still trying her best to do the right thing. Still trying her best to save people and uncover the truths of her kingdom. I felt a kinship with this fantasy woman. A woman who felt so alone and afraid in the world, yet was brave enough to fight tooth and nail for what she believed in."

"Not to mention the stories of outlaws. Of 'heroes' who rode horses and carried big irons. Who fought for what they believed in, or fought for what they wanted. Who would end a day's adventure with a swig of whiskey at the local bar. These outlaws were strong. They fought for what they always wanted, whether it be moral or immoral. And deep down inside, even if they were afraid, they still would fight on. They would keep to their principles, no matter what. Whether it be for the good of themselves, or for someone else."

"I can't explain how much these books influenced me. In my growing mind, these stories would help me push past my loneliness. Growing up as a mute girl, unable to express herself, unable to show just how much I care. It ate at my soul. I thought if I can be just like them someday, I didn't have to feel this way anymore. That I can feel like a hero. I can finally be noticed. And I can finally express what was in my heart."

"The entries that are to come are from when I was a little girl. Most of them are nonsense. But of course, i keep them around. No use erasing something that bring fond memories, right? "

"The tales of a girl from Nilharra. Who lost something she loved, and decided to be something she could only hope to reach."

X/X/2121
Today was really boring. I like writing in this book because it makes me feel better. Mom said she was going to make us dinner today, but I haven't seen her! Majora said he'll make us dinner. But his cooking is terrible! I wonder if we can eat something else today. I don't really wanna come out of the house. People are bullying me again. Because I can't speak. I dunno why. Did I do something to them? They always look at me funny. I just want to be friends.

X/X/2121
Momma cooked steak and eggs today. I found a book in her bookshelf! And she slapped it out of my hand! Something with the word 'witch' on it. I dunno why she did that! But I wanted to read something because it was so boring. I found a book called 'The Ookami with no Name'. Alot of the words were very complicated. But I like the pictures. I like how he looks. He looks really cool and fun. I like his gun and when he saves his girlfriend. He kept calling her 'dame'. I asked mom with that meant, and she did her weird stare again. It was like she wasn't listening to me!

X/X/2121
The boys next door threw dirt at me again. They kept calling me a freak. I cried alot today. I stepped on one's toe by accident, and when I tried to say sorry, I couldn't. I can't say sorry. I tried to tell them this and do sign language. They kept yelling at me. I froze up and I started crying. They threw dirt at me and muddied my clothes. Majora came out and beat them up! Tensho too. Even though she was smaller than me. I wanted to tell them thank you but I ran crying to my room. I'm sorry Majora and Tensho. It's not my fault I am mute, momma tells me. But did I do something wrong? I wanna speak, but I can't. I know how, but it hurts when I do. I dunno.

X/X/2122
I met my brother today! He was estranged? I think that's what Venza called it. His name is Levius! He's so sweet and cool! He reminds me of the outlaw in my book! He even has a gun and a bandolier and a coat and everything! Momma never told me about Levius, I don't know why! Maybe it's because he has a gun? Momma herself uses a harp. Levius didn't judge me for being mute. He accepted me right away! And even offered to help me shoot and learn how to use a gun! I followed him around all day today, he served me hot cocoa and sort of babysat me. Well, I can take care of myself! But Meranthe is scary. Today was the first time I ever came to Meranthe, after all. It was good to have my big brother around. I hope next time we can do something fun.

X/X/2122
Lavenza helped me with my homework today. I was having a lot of trouble figuring out the quadratic applications of Waygate formulas. Lavenza is a master at that sort of thing. They helped me pretty much instantly. All this math and complicated stuff is hard to understand. But if I wanna be a Wayfinder like momma, I gotta keep going! I've been studying since I was eight, and I think I get it now. But it's all so complicated. I feel like Lavenza is so much better and smarter than me. Man, multidimensional physics is so hard! But maybe someday i'll get it. Who knew that i couldn't apply the Aertas method to wayfinding structures with vectors? I'm such an idiot. Of course I have to use vectors!

X/X/2123
Levius brought me to a festival today. I slept through most of it. But I got to wear a kimono. I got a fish! I named him Buddy. I was so happy to have a fish buddy! Though...I don't know where to keep him! Maybe in my pocket? Maybe once I learn Wayfinding, i can throw him into the ocean and then wayfind him back? Well, I don't know! The festival was fun. I ate mochi with Levius and sushi. And we had a picnic and talked about things. It was fun. I never knew my big brother can be so cool!

X/X/2123
Levius taught me how to shoot today! Oh, it was so fun! I loved feeling the gun jolt into my shoulder and i loved the feeling of pulling the trigger! It's really easy, too! I mean, I sort of copied what I saw in my books, but it was easy! He loaned me his revolver, said I can have it and practice shooting with it! I'm gonna start doing that more often. Shooting is so much fun, and I love copying the moves from the books I read. Even if it is a bit lame. Well, no one has to see me! He also taught me proper gun safety. I thought the first rule was to have fun? Well, I guess it wasn't! But he taught me how to clean the gun, how it works, how to repair it, all kinds of things! It makes me feel like a real gunslinger. Yet he taught me something, too. Something about life and death. That it's not a responsibility taken lightly. That it can weigh on you. That sort of thing. He wanted me to shoot something that looked like a fairy and I just...couldn't do it. I can't kill someone. Why would I?

X/X/2123
I got hurt today. Lavenza stitched up my wound real good, though. So i'm okay now. I also met a girl named Ophis! She's super cute! And while she didn't really understand me, we found some way to communicate. It was very awkward, but I did it. It's very hard to make friends, but she did accept me for who I was. I appreciate that. She said she can help me make an outfit someday! I might take her up on that. Earlier today though, I saw Lavenza acting wierd. There's this weird thing on their arm they keep hiding. I keep telling them they don't have to hide anything from me but they keep ignoring me when I bring it up! I just hope they are okay...

X/X/2124
New year already, it seems. Things have been okay as of late, I guess. Haven't really written in this for a while. Wayfinding studies are going, I guess. I've been mostly tinkering with guns and practicing my shooting. Lavenza showed me something today. They made a weapon for Levius and it was absolutely gorgeous. It was more than anything I could ever make by my lonesome. I applied my own modifications to my own revolver. I modified it's sights, enchanted new runic sequences, and even modified some of it's parts to higher quality material. And yet, it was nothing compared to what Lavenza made. It made me feel jealous. I was anxious. So many years have passed already and i've got really nothing to show for myself. I know, I'm still young. But still. This rifle they made for Levius is beautiful. How can I ever live up to that? Lavenza's already making portals too! I mean, well. I guess it's okay. I just have to keep studying, is all, right? I hope so...

X/X/2124
It's still hard as ever to speak. No one understands just how difficult it is, you know? To be mute, to not be able to express yourself. It's always so awkward being around me. I always just stand there or fling my hands around like a stupid ape. I look so stupid. If only there was some way for me to speak to people. Anything. A voice implant? Some sort of weird magic? Anything at all. There is one thing that seems to work? I'm not sure. But Lavenza did a weird thing today. I'm not sure where they learned this trick or how they even learned it. But they activated some runes and tapped my head, allowing me to project my thoughts onto someone else. I did it to Levius, and they were very happy! I was impressed myself! To hear my voice come from my own psyche. It felt exhilarating! It was only for a moment, but speaking to someone for the first time in my life like this. It meant the world to me. Maybe this is my answer? I don't know...

X/X/2125
Another year. Ugh, it's like every day gets worse. Levius is the only one who really understands me. Lavenza too, I guess. And Majora. But that's besides the point! I still haven't found a way to 'unmute' myself. It still gets harder and harder to talk to people. How am I supposed to continue my studies if I can't even do something as simple as communicate with a teacher? It's not easy, not in the slightest, but i'm figuring out ways, I guess. Lavenza is starting to make me...more suspicious of them. They had a dead bear in our room for God's know what reason? They gave some shitty excuse, but I know something's up. Venzy's been acting wierd lately, and i'm worried for them. I'm worried they're getting into some weird things. It's no secret my family is sort of, well, suspicious. And Lavenza is not helping. Anyway, they also bragged about their girlfriend. I mean, good for them. I'm happy for them but aren't we a little too young for this? Venzy's the same age as me, and it irks me having them say that they 'love' this person, despite only knowing them for a few months. I mean, who am I to know what love is? I have no idea, all I know is the words that describe them in my books. Sure, i read my fair share of romance, I know what it is! Which is why i'm worried for Lavenza. They always rush into things like this. You have a girlfriend already? At sixteen? And you're saying you love them? It just seems rushed, is all. Well, anyway, dear bear and girlfriend aside; I showed Levius my blueprints today. Some upgrades to the service pistol he gave me, and...a gift! He didn't take it though, said it was better suited for someone like me. What a stupid thing to say, right? I'm not a hero or a gunslinger like him. I can never be anything like him. He's so passionate, brave, bold, and loyal! He's so resilient...he always speaks his truth. I'm none of those things, you know? I kept it anyway. It was his wish, and i'd be damned to deny my brother that.

X/X/2125
Met a girl named Cassia today. Nice girl. A little peppy and hyper, but nice nonetheless. We talked about working together and being artificers. She's a Silvanas, and i'm pretty sure mine and her family have history together. Good history, i'm pretty sure? I hope so. Anyway, she was a nice girl, i enjoyed talking to her. Like Ophis, she didn't seem to judge me for being mute. She might have been confused at first, but she adapted quite quickly to me and my rapid hand gesturing. Cute girl. I hope to see her again someday.

X/X/2125
You know, I always thought of those stories of outlaws and heroes were just fiction. I mean, in this crazy ass world we live in, of course at least some of it has to be real, right? Or at least based on something that might have happened. I think I found one of those people today. It was like he jumped right out of my storybooks. A man named Buster. I couldn't speak or respond to him, as much as I wanted. I don't even know why he came up to me. I came to see Mmnemosyne because I wanted to ask her to guide me when it came to Wayfinding. He just happened to be there, I guess. Maybe he saw me and felt sorry? Or maybe he saw something in me? I don't know. But I know that it felt nice to hear him. He told me a story, a story about a sad farmer. At first I didn't get it, but I think now I do. Second chances always lead to redemption. Always keep your head up, he said. The girl in that story asked him why he was so blue, I can't help but wonder if she was me.

Never look down, never turn back, the moment you do, the world will turn black. Always keep your head up, and you'll never have to turn tail or run again.

I'll always remember these words. I don't know why they resonated with me so. Is it because my heart aches? Well, it's like he said. Just keep my head up, and that there's always a second chance. A chance for redemption.

Maybe I deserve one too?

X/X/2125
That stupid idiot, Lavenza. Putting us all in danger! Who do they think they are!? Being a damn necromancer? I knew something was fishy. That mark on their arm, the dead bear in our room, their secret little 'meetings' and locked doors. I knew they were being fishy! I knew something was wrong! And here I am, having to suffer for their actions!? They have no idea how much danger they put us in! I'm not strong enough to protect us, and neither is Lavenza! They know better than this, don't they? They should know better than to put our family in danger. A necromancer...what were they thinking!? I'm unsure how to feel right now. On one hand, i'm still angry. And on the other, they were the one who comforted me today. Sometimes I feel so useless. I feel so pathetic. Alone. It's hard for me to interact with others and be social, you know? It's hard to express myself. It's so hard. I feel like I don't belong sometimes. And i'm scared what's going to happen. I feel so scared. I guess I should just...keep my head up, right? My time will come. I hope so, at least.

I hope so.

X/X/2126
I met Jora's girlfriend today. It's been an odd week, honestly. I haven't felt myself, and yet at the same time...I feel the closest to myself than i've ever been. I've been thinking alot lately. About who i am, my purpose. What I am supposed to be. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I'm just scared and afraid. I'm not like those heroes in my stories. I'm not like any of them. I'm not like Levius or even as smart as Lavenza or Majora. I'm just...some stupid little girl. One who can't even talk, let alone express herself and how she feels. I guess Lavenza is the closest to knowing who I am. The true me, deep inside. Truth is though? Not even I know who I am.

I hope someday i'll find it, my purpose in this cruel, chaotic little world.

X/X/2126
My Wayfinding studies have been lacking, as of late. Maybe i've been lazy? Or just depressed? I like to just shoot things in the forest when i'm sad or tired. Not people, of course! Just trees or whatever random waymark is at there. I like practicing. Even though I have no idea what i'm fighting for, I can do some cool tricks. Who knew Gravity magic and gunslinging felt so right together, huh? Another magic too, i've been learning. It seems stronger than my Gravity magic. I know Shadow magic is looked down upon sometimes, not as much as Occult, but I know people hate it. But it's remarkably easy for me to wield it. It took only a week for me to master it. All it takes is just me remembering my pain and sorrow. And it just...manifests. What am i even sad about? I have everything I could ever want? Is it because i'm mute? Because I can't fit in or I feel so insecure? Is it because I feel so pathetic and worthless? I'm not those things. My inner voice tells me I am though. And it's hard not to listen to it.

Anyway. Wayfinding. I learned a few things. It was difficult, but I have the structure of the runic sequences down  For the first time in my life, I felt alive. I succeeded! I teleported something! Only took 5 damn years, right? Probably another five more...

I hope this is the start of something. Of course. i'm sort of using a crutch to do this, writing the symbols into my pistol. But it's a start. Hopefully I can become a Wayfinder like mom, mm? Hopefullly...

X/X/2126
I felt something today. Something so...dark. It was the first time I ever felt it. The day started it out just fine. I was hanging out with Levius and teasing some weird goblin boy. I drew him, despite his lack of paying attention to my drawing. Guess goblins have short attention spans. That's hardly what matters though. I was having alot of fun mingling with the people of the vigil. Some girl kept looking at me. She had dark hair, dark clothes. Something felt off. I caught a glimpse of her, and ever inch of my body wanted to tear her apart.

I looked into her eyes, and they were so similar to mine. I felt...scared. I felt jealous. There was something about that girl. She hated me just from a mere glance. As did I, staring into that forlorn soul. I was having a good time mingling with that goblin and goofing around. But I don't even deserve that, do I? Why did she look at me like that? Like she was judging me, every inch of my soul. I didn't even do anything to her. Who is she to just...judge me like that? She doesn't know how i feel. She doesn't know me!


Does she?

Whatever. I don't care anymore. She ruined my mood. Hope I never see that bitch again.

X/X/2127
Finally! Looks like i've got some progress. Fauste was kind enough to teach me more about Wayfinding today. She taught me alot! And I was even able to teleport a few things! Of course, I was still using my gun as a crutch, but she gave me advice and told me the next steps on my Wayfinding journey. Thank goodness she knew sign language too, it made things so much easier. She made a few adjustments to my pistol. All I have to do now is keep practicing! And i'll be a Wayfinder in no time! 

X/X/2127
That fucking idiot Lavenza. They got themselves captured. I told them...I TOLD THEM that this would happen! They just had to learn necromancy, huh? And put us all in danger and themselves? If they keep this up they're gonna be dead! I want to go and save them but what can I do? I can't do anything! I'm too weak to even...try.

Levius calmed me down a bit, but i'm still anxious and scared, you know? Everyone says that they are gonna be fine but how do they know that?

I mean...they did turn themselves in. Gloomlight is supposed to cleanse them of their necromancy. But it still...fucking angers me. I dunno. I also talked too Lazarus today. I was curious about the order that Levius was a part of. I've been told he's kind of a dick, but he seems...nice enough? Can kinda see the ego shining through though.

Whatever you do, Lavenza. Just please take care of yourself. I can't bear to lose you. I just hope turning yourself into Gloomlight and cleaning your Necromancy works. It seemed Lazarus threatening to kill you was enough for that. Bastard. Him and Marfons. They can go to Hel for all I care for threatening you like that. 'Protect those in need of aid' my ass, Lazarus. Didn't seem like you wanted to aid my sibling that much, did you? Would rather toss them to the tree, huh? Fucker.

X/X/2127
So it looks like Marfons went to Hel...

He's gone. Good riddance, honestly. I never really liked him or heard good things about him. Especially from my mother. Anyway, new year is coming up. Been practicing my Wayfinding more and more! I feel like things are coming together. I feel happier now. My depression is still there. I mean, duh. But it feels good, having a goal to work toward, you know? Wayfinding, my artificing projects, and hell, I might even take up a mercenary gig. I think my shooting is good enough and my magic training. Maybe I can be of use to someone. I'm sure Levius will take me as his deputy in an instant. Might do that. Seems like fun.

I'm...very happy. I feel good, I feel okay. I think everything's going to be okay. Sure, there's still some sadness there. But I feel like it's going to be okay. I'll get there, and i'll keep my head up. Just like Buster said!

One step at a time.

See you next year I guess.

"Oh, if only you know, little Maria. If only you knew of the pain and heartbreak that would fill your heart. I wish I could have warned you. I wish I could have guided you. Told you how to cope with all of this. You never asked for any of this, did you? You never asked to be born, to feel this pain so so deep, burrowing in your heart."

"You asked for none of it. If only you knew what would come. What would happen to that dear, beloved brother of yours."

"I genuinely started to feel better at the end of that year. Hopeful, even. Happy. My eyes lit up every time I saw Levius. Every time he guided me, shown me something, or even just hang out with me and introduced me to his friends. I broke out of my shell more and more. No longer was I that scared and shy little girl. The one who kept herself in the shadows, too scared to interact with the world. I had a voice, thanks to Levius. I felt like I could do anything. And..."

"It was all taken away in an instant."

"The moment I heard the news, I knew i'd never be the same. I regressed, back into my shell. Into the girl I truly was. My facade continued to break. More and more, as I finally embraced the shadows of my grief. Who was I to think I could be happy? That people would like me? That I wasn't a freak?"

"All good things must come to an end. If only I knew, you know? If only I could prepare for the heartbreak."

"I'll tell you now. There's nothing, and I mean nothing, that can prepare you for that."

"So read along. Maybe you can understand my pain. For someone who was mute her entire life, this was my only avenue to ever express myself. As someone who kept to the shadows, this was my only reprieve."

"Enjoy, for this is not your typical story of a bombastic hero."

"It's a tragedy."

"It's my story."

Chapter 2: The Broken.

X/X/2128
I don't want to live anymore.

I want to die.

I don't want to be here, if it means feeling like this.

Why Levius? Why did they take him away from me? What did I do to deserve this? What did he do, to deserve this? It's so unfair. They took his life away...they didn't even give him a choice.

I'll kill him. The man who took my brother away from me. I won't stop until i see his undead body ripped limb from limb. Until his army falls at my hand. I won't stop. I won't.

It's either this? Or I kill myself. But I can't die yet. I can't die, knowing this man is still out there. I will rip his body limb from limb. I will make him suffer. I will have my justice.

I will have my redemption.

You took him away from me. The only thing worth a damn in my fucking life. And you took him away. For what? Your little ego? Your tiny, worthless little ego? Is that why you took him away? So that for a single moment in your putrid life, you can feel happiness? Or was it for power? You killed him for power. Because you are too weak to become strong on your own. You are nothing. Nothing but a leech, who feeds on the sorrow of others. Who wants nothing more than to fulfill their little ego, and feel as if their putrid life is worth anything more than who they really are. Or in this case, you're undead life. 

You should have stayed dead, asshole.

I don't know what to do now. It's been days, since I was told. I've been in my room for how long now? I don't remember. The whiskey's good though. I think i ate a sandwich yesterday. Whiskey's good though.

I like the moon tonight. It's beautiful. Leave me out of this, would you? I don't want to fight. I've only ever had one wish, and now I see it's never going to come true. Looking into the moonlight outside my window, staring at the bright stars, wondering if you can see me. 

I don't want any sympathy. I'm already feeling quite sick of it all. I just want to watch the moon fade in the twilight skies. I want the gods to answer me, and tell me if I have more time.

The whiskey is good, at least.

I'm sorry, Levius. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I let this happen. That I was too weak to even just attempt to save you. Someday, i'll redeem myself. Someday, i'll give you the justice you deserve. I'll put Vyldrax back into his grave, whether or not it's my last act on this godforsaken world. I'll become strong. I'll do what I must so that I will never feel this way ever again.

It's the least I can do. For you, and everyone who has brought me here.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry....

If I can say goodbye, one last time. It would mean everything to me. But I know that I can't. When the day comes that I too leave this land, I hope to find you. I hope to tell you what I couldn't have said before.

Goodbye.

I love you.

And I hope to see you again soon...

X/X/2128
I stepped outside for the first time today. The other day was my first time getting drunk. It felt...good. Until the next morning, and the morning after, and the morning after that. I'm not sure how long I was in that room, drinking away at mom's stash of whiskey and wine. I'm used to the taste by now. And i'm surprised I didn't die from any poisoning. Caius's way of torturing me I guess, not giving me the relief I want. Maybe he's saying I still have more to do, more to live for before I go. It sure doesn't feel like it to me, though.

I liked looking at the moon. But today I saw the sun. I took a shower, got some clean clothes. I still can't get him off my hand. It's hard to believe. Everytime I think of him, and realize he's gone, I can't believe it. I don't want too. It still feels like i'm just in a bad dream, and that any moment i'll wake up. I keep closing my eyes, I keep pinching myself, just for the slightest chance to know that this isn't real. I can't handle it. I keep denying it. But it's true, isn't it? All of it? I feel as if the world is different now. It's blank. I feel as if i'm in a dream. Dissociating everything.

But it's okay. I'm here.

Lavenza, Majora, Tensho, Penny. We're all still here. They still love me. They still want to protect me.

I was hugged by all of them, today. We all hung out with each other, in the first time in forever. They're taking it better than me. Or maybe I just don't know too, the pain in their hearts. 

It's odd. I still feel alone.

I am going to rest. I should lay off the alcohol too. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

X/X/2128
Of course, trouble rear's it's ugly head again. And just when I was getting back into practicing Wayfinding, of course things get worse. Lavenza just keeps getting into trouble, huh? Like Levius's death wasn't enough, it seems trouble keeps coming, rearing it's ugly head back where it shouldn't be. We were surrounded, pointed guns straight at our faces. Right outside our own home. We were both threatened, and our saving grace was Aricles. He's a good man, that guy. He deserves the best. And it's thanks to him that we were able to neutralize the situation. Lavenza explained themselves, and things seemed normal once again. Still, the fucking audacity of those pieces of shit. What the hell is Marfons thinking? Trying to arrest us outside our own home? Anders was just as stupid as the rest. So brainwashed that he had no question about his orders whatsoever. He didn't even think about what he was doing. I've thought about joining an order such as that, but after seeing firsthand how brainwashed you can become?

Yeah, i'd rather stick to my own rules.

I hope next time, they're smarter than whatever the fuck that was.

Just...please, Lavenza. Take care of yourself. I can't bear to lose another sibling. And whatever this is? I have a bad feeling about it.

Gods, I hope everything turns out okay. They've been getting into enough trouble recently. I just hope it all ends soon...

I have such a bad feeling...

"It was here that a month or so would pass after Levius's death. Of course it wasn't easy. My Shadow magic improved drastically, while i slacked on many of my studies, including wayfinding. It wasn't easy, coping with the death of my brother. To this day, I think his death was unfair. Bastards didn't even give my brother a chance to fend for himself. They simply let him die. There was no battle, no bombastic end or hero's sacrifice. Just death. He didn't even get the chance to defend himself."

"He deserved better. He still deserves better."

"He died instantly, at least. Or that's what I like to believe. I was such a broken and tired girl by then. The next few months went by so quickly. Most of it spent in my room or in Nihlarra. When I did venture into Meranthe, it was mostly for supply runs. Sometimes I would visit other cities and factions and go to the local bar...the bartenders didn't care for my age. And i'd simply get drunk. To the point I could barely walk or even know where I was. I liked getting drunk, especially to that point. It made me forget everything, if not just for a moment. It became a habit, doing this. Eventually, I found myself some contracts. I needed money for drinking, and of course, I couldn't ask momma for money anymore. She was broke herself, having spent the last of her money on gambling. She was as grief stricken as all of us, perhaps even worse than us."

"I can only imagine what went through momma's head."
 

"Nevertheless, I began my entry as a mercenary. I simply wanted money to drink, so I took odd jobs. Cow farming, bird shooting, running as a caravan guard, pest control, things of that nature. I even went monster hunting more thana  few times, with the monster hunting contracts giving the biggest dough. I made a good nest egg...all wasted on whiskey."

"But I would need it, knowing what would come next."

"It wasn't even half a year until my heart was broken again."

"This time? By another ego filled lunatic. Who would have guessed?"

"Camino de Caewynn. Really needed to show your power by killing someone else I loved, huh? Not fanfare? No fight? No chance for Lavenza to defend themselves?"

"Now who does that remind me of?"

"Some religion you have, huh? To not even give a defenseless teenager a chance to defend themselves. Some morals and honor you have, mister Caewynn."

"Of course, Venza put this on themselves. But they had their reasons. They wanted to protect this world and become one of the first to show the benefits to such dark arts. They wanted to pave the way and challenge themselves to change the world in the only way they can. They were brilliant. One of the smartest people i've ever known. Taken away, once again. Buy someone with the ego larger than this damn island."

"I doubt they know this pain themselves. I doubt they'll ever know."

"It's not like they care."

"They never will. Nor will they ever understand."

X/X/2129
I tried to kill myself, today. The only thing that stopped me was the fact I realized how much more grief i'd give my siblings. I haven't wrote in this in a while. I didn't feel a need too, really. I was focusing on grieving. And writing my thoughts into this damn journal where I might as well be speaking into a wall didn't help. I did other things. What Levius would have wanted of me. Helping people, being kinder. Trying to live up to him and his legacy. I wasn't exactly trying to be him...just trying to be like him. And do what I thought he would do. It helped, trying to live up to his legacy. I daresay i even felt like a little cowgirl sometimes.

Not anymore.

I feel blank. I feel empty. I cried and screamed and yelped when Levius died. But when I heard about Lavenza? It felt like I was in a dream again. I know, I know they did this to themselves. I know they were warned. But Caewynn didn't give them a chance, that bastard. What? You're little ego wasn't enough either? You had to kill a kid to feel good about yourself? I hope you are, Caewynn. Hope you feel good about yourself. Some religion you have, to not even give this child a chance to defend themselves. Just like Levius, you know?

I feel so empty. I feel so tired.

Of course I cried. I wept and wept and wept and wept. I drank and drank and drank. But what does it matter? Is it my fault? What did I do to deserve this? My siblings are gone? What do I do?

Fucking hel, what do I do? I'm still not strong enough. I'm still so scared.

Why am I so fucking useless?

Fuck this world. Fuck everything. 

I wish i was never born.

X/X/2130

I wish I can say it gets better. It did I guess, for a while. But waking up every day, it feels like you're in a dream. That one day you'll wake up and the people you've lost are still there. Every day I wake up and wish for this to be the case. It never is. All those stories of heroes? They are never real, are they? Just fabrications.  You're telling me nothing bad ever happens to a hero? That they can move on with all this pain in their hearts?

I guess it doesn't matter. I met a woman today who seemed like a more realistic version of a hero. I've heard of her, Yuki Akatsuki. She's a nice woman. A little cold and stoic, but I can tell she really has a good heart in her. You can know the pain someone has looking into their eyes. And it seemed like Yuki's had alot of it. And even then, i hear people talk about her. How wonderful she is, and how great of a hero she is. Mostly from the children, of course. But that has to count for something, right?

Even amongst all the pain, she still moves on. I wonder why, honestly. What drives someone to keep going, even when the pain in their heart is unbearable?

I guess there's nothing I can do but try.

For them, at least.

For them.


X/X/2130
It's hard to move on. But I was able to get up and brush my teeth today. Comb my hair, at least. For a moment, i completely forgot about my suffering. It just felt like a normal day. I told Majora I was going to wander, so that's what i've been doing. Just...wandering. Thinking. I walk and walk and walk until my leg's can't take me any further. I have Levius's pistol, so of course i'm going to be safe and sound. But still, I wonder if this is part of moving on. Waking up and just not thinking about it.

I went to the Frontier today. Met a cute boy named Esoti Lam. I tried teasing him a bit, and he panicked and ran off like some crazed baboon. It was rather cute. What, has he never seen a girl before? Other than that, I met a few others from the Frontier as well. It's director, of course and as well as Lavenza's old girlfriend, Sacilia I haven't spoken to her in a while, ever since Lavenza's death. But she seems to be taking it well, I guess. As well as she could. Probably better than me, at least. I saw her conduct a ritual and move on from her grief. Watching this, it was the first time i've cried in such a long time. Everything just rushed back...I couldn't stop crying.

Esoti cheered me up. I'm glad to find someone who can understand me and speak sign language. It's a relief, you know? That I don't have to be so alone after all. I wiped my tears and went on with my day. But it felt good to let it all out. I suppose i've just been hiding it all inside me for so long.

I'm not sure if I can move on, or if it's even worth moving on just yet. But if Sacilia can do it? Well...I might as well give it a chance.

X/X/2131
I've been slacking on my studies lately. I've been slacking on just about everything. Hel, I don't remember the last time I ate. I finally ate for the first time in a while alongside Majora and another. It took a while...and some convincing, but I ate. I mostly felt bad for that girl. Majora called her Tab, I think? Something like that. She seemed really upset, so i decided i'd cook her a meal. She's very cute, honestly! But I shouldn't write about my stupid crushes in this journal. Lest Majora finds this thing.

Today was better though. I really need to get back into my studies. I met a girl named Behitha, another mute like me. It was very endearing, speaking to someone with my same disability. Funnily enough, we spoke perfectly to each other using sign language. She offered me a place in the Frontier. I...am not so sure yet. Maybe? I don't know. Maybe someday, when I don't feel like my heart is beating out of my chest every moment of every day.

X/X/2131
New year is today. I woke up feeling better. No hangover! That's good, at least. Levius and Lavenza are still on my mind, but i've been focusing on other things. Not to say that the sadness doesn't creep up every once in a while, of course it does. But I can at least get out of bed and be a little productive. Even if it means just Wayfinding studies or something. I met a Felinae named Kateto  last night. They seemed to know Lavenza as well! And they knew telepathy! We had a nice conversation. In fact, i'd like to consider them a friend! I hope to see them again someday. Maybe talking with Kateto will help me move on myself, you know?

Anyway, I ran into that Mari girl again.  That stupid goth idiot. Who does she think she is? I can't fathom why she hates me so much. And why I don't like her either! Just that stupid look in her eye makes me want to put her in her place. Fighting her felt like the rush of a lifetime. For the first time in a long time I felt as if I was improving in combat. Of course, the little goth princess won. But she won't next time. I'll be more prepared.

I have to be.

X/X/2132
Kateto and I hung out again today. I don't think it would be out of the ordinary to say that they sort of saved my life? I admit, I have been very reckless lately. All the whiskey doesn't help. I was out shooting at Atrellyans again. Just taking potshots from little vantage point near their island. I take out the weaker ones, mostly just practicing my sharpshooting. Easy targets. Yet not the smartest. I admit, a part of me does this to run into trouble. A little part of me is still suicidal. And of course, the whiskey brings out those emotions more than anything. Kateto stopped me from becoming mincemeat to the Atrellyans. I dunno, maybe there's some other way to deal with my emotions than taking potshots at the bastards.

It's not even fun anymore.

I don't know who I am. I don't know what i'm supposed to do or who I am even supposed to be. I'm so lost and afraid. And every time I look into that girl's eyes, I just keep seeing me.

I met her again, today. At the cusp of the new year, in the breaking dawn. We had our battle once again. For what did we continue to fight for? I don't know. But all I know is that I can't get Mari's words out of my head.

"You are just like me."

Am I? Am i so sadistic like you? I'm not like you. I'm nothing like you, Mari. Right?

She said I was alone and hurting. That she was alone and hurting. That she wanted to hurt. That she was just like me.

I don't know anymore.

All I know is I was able to escape. I finally opened a portal. Finally, after so many years, I opened a portal. At my worst mental state imaginable, at the cusp of my life being taken away, I opened one. And I tumbled a day into the future. I don't know how, I don't know why...but.

The Lifestream saved me.

If only I figured out a way to harness it further. So I can prove to that monster that I am nothing like her.

I hope not, at least.

I hope not.

"And it was at the cusp of the new year, that I awakened to my innate power. The power I had been studying and teaching myself for so long, had saved my life. How many times have I put myself on the brink of death? How many MORE times would I have done so going forward? I admit, I guess getting into danger is what being a gunslinger is all about. The pain still rattled in my heart, it never truly went away. But this was the time of my life that I finally found myself moving forward and taking my own path. My life is still a tragic tale, but this is mostly the fun part. The part where I get into danger and frolick on many an adventure. This was also the time of my life that my skills truly improved. I became a full on Wayfinder and broke away from my Shadow magics, choosing to use Sound instead. I was also...slowly learning how to talk at this time in my life. Speech therapy and singing to others helped me learn to speak little by little. The little mute girl I was, transforming into something greater."

"It was all I ever wanted."

"It would take years, and alot and alot of patience, but i'd finally become who I wanted to be. Even if it was still a facade, even if it was still just a little fantasy. It was my fantasy. Dangers and all."

"Levius and Lavenza moved into the back of my mind. I still honored and loved them in my own way, of course. But it was around that time I moved on and focus on other things. It's what they would have wanted for me anyway. Like that woman, Mari. Would I ever get to see her again? I..."

"I found myself wanting to see her again."

"Maybe there was a truth I wanted to know, lingering in those eyes of hers."

"It was like looking into a mirror, after all.

Chapter 3: The Redeemed.

X/X/2132
Still recovering from my injuries the other night. I still have no conclusive evidence on what exactly happened when I opened that Lifestream portal. Some theories, of course. I could have miscalculated the stream trajectory, or somehow used too much mana in the runes that I was blasted a day into the future? I've never heard this happening before, lest except more experienced Wayfinder's who purposely experiment on the Lifestream for time travel. That's way out of my league right now, honestly. And it still aggravates me, that I can only seem to create portals when I am full of adrenaline or at the brink of getting hurt. It's like a trauma response. Or some sort of escape mechanism. I can teleport small items, sure. But why can't I create portals unless i'm almost dead? It doesn't make sense.

Well, Kateto helped me with my injuries. We had a nice...long talk. Yeah. Something like that. I've already shown Kateto my blueprints and my plans for my weapon, Lavender Moon. We just have to make it sometime soon! Of course, it was late so we just...hung out for a bit. It was nice. I admit, i've never experienced anything like it.

Well, anyway! Lavender Moon should get into production now. My magnum opus! Or something. In truth, I plan to just make it and upgrade it over time. Don't really have the materials to reach what Lavenza wanted for the project. It was originally Lavenza's blueprints, a rifle for Levius to use. I've made my own modifications and made it my own. I just...need to make the damn thing. I'm a bit lazy, i'll be honest.

I'm gonna need a lot of Arcanium..

X/X/2132
You know, it's been a while since i've talked to Momma. I talked to her the other night, just checking up on her. Gave her a hug and a kiss and all that. She's such a hard woman to get a read on. I don't know if she's scowling because she's annoyed, or that's just her resting face. I know momma is a sweet woman deep down. I just wish she showed it a little more. Well, I don't blame her. Levius and Lavenza's deaths were as hard on her as anyone. But she's doing better. And I know my hug and kiss and my words meant the world to her.

Today was wierd. I admit, I was a bit off the whiskey. I had drank a little more than usual, so of course, I was a little more...reckless than usual. I visited the place south of Londo. Where all of the Caius worshippers are at? I had a few too many shots at the Londo bar and thought it was a good idea to check em out. Maybe I wanted trouble, or something else. Really, I can't even imagine why I do the things I do sometimes.

I met a man named Kaimar the Timekeeper. Once again, he probably saved me from doing something stupid. I wanted to go and recon the Deathwind fleet. In my drunken mind it seemed like a good idea. Keep tabs on their formations and the type of people in the fleet, maybe get a chance at finding Vyldrax and determining his weaknesses. I mean, if i'm careful, not the worst idea ever? Still, Kaimar talked me out of it. I brought him over to the damn island before he got on my ass. Yeah...maybe i'll lay off the whiskey.

I'll remember his words, though. All that lecturing and scolding did mean something. He told me my purpose was to run out of time. I guess he wasn't so wrong in that.

Maybe its time to find a new one.

X/X/2133
This hangover is going to be the end of me, my gods. What did I even do last night? I remember flirting with some people. It's a miracle i'm not ridiculed any more than I already am. At least I hope not.

Well, after some thinking and a lot of potions with electrolytes, I began to remember. I joined the Nightfall. Or at least...I think I joined? It's a bit lost to me. Well, I made two new friends I wish to keep either way. Charlotte and Justia. They stick around Gloomlight, and they are nice enough. At least for Gloomlighters. I think...I can get along with them! 

Ah, and of course. Kateto and I finally began working on Lavender Moon tonight. We're almost finished, but I just have to put on the finishing touches and i'll be done! A long time coming, this rifle. It's not exactly finished, just a mere prototype. But I know this is just the beginning of what I can make. And what I can do!

I can't wait to try it out tomorrow. Hehe.

X/X/2133
It works! Field testing came off with flying colors, and Lavender Moon is ready for combat. I showed Majora the weapon today too, and he seemed to love it just as much as myself. I also field tested it with him and today I am officially a member of Nightfall! I walked up to Charlotte SOBER today, and she accepted me with open arms. Good day, overall. Except for the fact my insecurity came rearing it's ugly head again. Even with my new rifle, i'm still not strong enough. I can't even beat Majora in combat or even take off a few rounds. It's...infuriating. I feel something is still holding me back from my full potential. Something...I just don't know what.

I know my Shadow magic has been lacking lately. Could be that?

Anyway, ran into someone I hadn't seen in quite a while. Esoti Lam. It's been a bit since i've seen him around. We hung out and got into some shenanigans. Or...something like that? In all honesty, I think the poor boy is trying way too hard for me. Either that or his horse is. I can see he has a little crush on me. And while i've sort of grown out of mine, I guess I can give him a chance? He's a nice guy. Extremely dorky and a little awkward, but...I kinda like that. It's cute.

I guess we'll see what happens, mm?

X/X/2134
Met my little sister's boyfriend today. I'm...uh, a little peeved, to say the least. First off, this man is triple her size. Second off, he's double her age. Third off, he has CHILDREN. Fourth off, is Penny even ready for something like this? She's already talking about marrying the guy. I can't even get up off my bed in the morning and make coffee without having a fifty percent chance of spilling it, and i'm the older one! What is Penny thinking? I get she's in love, but I am just protective of my baby sister, you know? I dunno, I guess i'll just keep a watch on her.

Other than that, I think I might have found a new way to talk. I've been toying with it every now and then. Mostly because it's easier for me to speak with people who know Telepathy, I can just...express my thoughts to them. No need for manic gesturing or anything. But maybe I can learn it myself? Yuki gave me an opening for that today. I plan to take advantage of it! If I can learn telepathy and throw my thoughts to people, it would make communicating so much easier! Just gotta hang on to that feeling and learn how to throw my voice...

If I could learn Wayfinding, certainly I can do this, right?

X/X/2134
Gods, what am i, some sort of babysitter? I know i'm bad with kids, but I had to babysit and entire gaggle of them today. Well, it wasn't the worst thing in the world, I guess. Taught one how to shoot. It reminded me of when Levius taught me when I was their age. Here I am now, teaching the same things to them he taught me. Guess it wasn't the worst thing in the world. Plus, some kid named Sakri has seemed to take a liking to me. Cute girl. A little mischevious and a bit of a troublemaker, but hey, who am I to scold her for being just like me? I really like her. She's real cute, you know? And a batkin! You don't see any of those nowadays.

I think i'll take care of Sakri. She doesn't seem to have many friends, and seems a bit lonely. Kind of like how I was when I was her age. She's a nice girl though, and i'll try my best to set her on the right path. Like Lev did for me. Again, i'm bad with kids...but i'll make an exception for the goofball.

At least I know she really likes fruit juice.

X/X/2135
I hurt someone I cared about today. I know, it probably doesn't matter. I know she's fine. But it still...hurts me. I tried practicing my telepathy. I've learned as of late that if I can form a stable connection with someone through touch, I can talk to them through telepathy. I'm sort of linking my mana circuits to them. I learned this the other night at the bar with Penny and Sakri. I tried to do the same thing to Tab, only to hurt her. I had no idea she was so sensitive to telepathy. And now I just...feel awful.

I hope I can make it up to her someday. I offered her tea, so maybe she can forgive me after that. 

I'm getting closer to learning how this telepathy thing works. Majora heard my voice for the first time today. For the first time in forever, I was able to speak to my brother. He can hear my voice, he can hear how I was always supposed to be.

It meant everything to me. 

I feel a little tired. Perhaps i'll celebrate! I have some leftover whiskey! As long as I don't go overboard.

X/X/2135
I went overboard.

I had Tab pick up my drunken body off of the floor and put me to the bed. Embarassing, knowing that I got to that point. I don't even remember half of it. I just remember blacking out, Tab carrying me, and Aricles being with her. What was I even doing? How did I even get there? I don't remember fucking anything.

I really have to lay off this shit. It's been a clutch. Every time i've been upset, or anxious, or depressed, or even happy! I just resort to the bottle. I'm an alcoholic, I know. I have to stop, I really do.

I do remember one thing though, I remember...talking with momma. It was the most we ever talked to each other and related to one another in so long. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, hugging her last night. I don't remember much of what I talked about, but I remember being so happy. I was so warm. I think she was the one who put me to bed, finally. I know people think my mom is a bit stoic and uncaring, but that's far from the truth.

I know she loves me. And I appreciate her taking care of me, last night. I felt like a little girl all over again.

Still though, really gotta lay off that damn whiskey.

[Hika]

X/X/2135
My depression is back again.

I don't feel like doing anything else but drinking it all away.

Why? Why am I still so fucking weak? I did everything right. I made a powerful weapon, I mastered my magics, I spent countless hours sharpshooting and learning how to master my weapons and gadgets, why the fuck can't I do anything right?

Why is everyone else just better than me? Why? Is it because i'm mute? Is it because that's why people don't take me seriously?

I don't know why these thoughts are coming back again. I was feeling so good and...at least a little happy. At least for a while. And now it's all coming back. The memories of Lavenza, Levius, everything. All the trauma and everything i've seen. Why now? Is it because i'm drinking again? It's never done this to me before.

I'm such a weak and pathetic person. I don't even know what i'm doing. I don't know where to go, what to do, how to even begin to do anything.

I tried to play guitar again. I really, really wanted Majora and Hoshi to listen to me and listen to me play. It was one of the only things I can do to express myself and express my sorrow. After fighting with Majora, and still realizing how weak and pathetic I was. All I wanted was to play for them. All I wanted was to show them, to reach out for help in the only way i could.

And they ignored me.

I don't know if they knew how much that hurt me. Majora fell asleep, and Hoshi just...said nothing. Nothing at all to me playing my music, and pouring my heart out to them. Absolutely nothing.

Why do I even bother?

I guess i'll just pass out here in Londo's bar. Don't got anything better to do, at least.

I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry i'm not strong enough.

X/X/2135
Who am I?

And what do I want, really?

I ask myself this question everyday. As I trek Meranthe, trying to find ways to make me stronger, do I find myself always asking the same question. What am I even doing this for? It feels like i'm living a fantasy. But what good is a fantasy when I am not even enjoying it anymore? I'm still weak. And it doesn't matter how hard I try to obtain strength, it's always out of reach for me. What good is a gunslinger that can't even protect her friends? That can't protect those close to me?

Is that why i'm scared? Of getting into a relationship?

Esoti and I we...had a talk the other night. I admit, I do like the boy. He's dorky and kind and oh, so sweet. I really have fallen for him. But he deserves someone better than me. Someone's who's not so selfish and full of herself. Someone who's not so damn depressed. He says i'm worth worrying over, but i'm really not. Sure, the boy is a bit clingy, but he's sweet. And i'd probably accept him if it wasn't for some private issues he has. I appreciate him being honest with me, but I cannot date him knowing that i'll go behind his back and break his heart. And I felt so awful telling him that. It broke my heart just as much as his.

My world is turning so black. And I find myself remembering the words of that gunslinger so long ago. 'Keep your head up' he said. Gosh, it's so damn hard Mr Buster. I really wish I knew how you did it, keeping your head up, despite everything.

I really wish I knew how you did it.

I could use your sage wisdom right about now. For this path i am taking? It feels wrong. It feels so, so wrong.

I don't know what to do.

X/X/2135
You know what they say, mm? An owner of a lonely heart is much better than an owner of a broken one.

Momma used to play that song for me. Not sure where it came from, but I always felt as if it resonated within her, that song. I learned it, just for her. Now, I know I was a bit drunk...but I played it for her. The song that she had sung to me when I was a little girl, way back when. I never knew how much this song might have meant to momma, what it might have meant for a woman like her who has suffered so much. An owner of a lonely heart was better than one with a broken one it used to say. I was never sure why, but this song always resonated with me. As someone with a lonely heart herself, how could it not?

I loved every moment, singing this to momma. I finally spoke a full sentence. I don't know how it happened, I just reached deep into my heart and it came out. If for a moment I could spark momma's heart again, it would mean the world to me. I hope I did that last night. As...drunk as I might have been.

Momma and I are getting close again. People see her as such a stoic and cold woman, but I know who she is deep down. She's just...broken. Just like myself and just like so many others. Someone with a lonely heart. I guess this song is a warning. Who knows how many time's momma's heart was broken.

Maybe it's best that I remain lonely for now.

Anyway, I should get back to it. I'm feeling better now. Majora and Hoshi may not have heard me, but Momma did. And that means the world to me.

More than anything.

X/X/2135
He's dead.

Vyldrax.

The bastard's dead.

And I feel empty.

I don't know what to feel. All of that training, all of that sharpshooting, all of those spars, for nothing. The only thing I lived for up until today was the fact that someday, i'd come face to face with him again. To put a bullet in between his eyes, and walk my path knowing I finally gave Levius his justice. His redemption.

Now? I'll never get the chance.

I feel...angry? Relieved? I'm unsure how to explain it better. I feel nothing. I feel as if all of that training and effort, everything i've worked up toward has been for nothing. I wish I could have helped them, I wish I could have been there to see his final moments. To see the look in his eyes as he takes his final breath, and see him dragged to hell where he belongs. 

I'm unsure what to do now. My vengeance and redemption for Levius has been taken from me. I suppose in a way, he was given the justice he deserved. But not by me. And it makes me unsure if I ever deserved to give him that in the first place.

I suppose all I can do is move on. I have a lot to do, still. A lot to look forward too. As much as it pains me to say it, I can't die just yet. And while I feel empty, i'm hoping that sometime soon, i'll be given the purpose I have been waiting for all along.

At least I was able to fight Vyldrax in his final days. I didn't win, of course. I might as well have been going on a suicide mission. I'm not sure what came over me, but i'd rather die than let that bastard get the satisfaction of killing me. Of course, i lost the fight, but I did not give him that satisfaction. I was about to pull the gun to my lips, until I suddenly shot to my side. I opened a portal for the first time in such a long time, and denied that bastard any sense of satisfaction from killing me. All he saw was me spitting in his face.

I bet he took that to grave, knowing I was the one that got away.

I'm still worthy, though. I'm still worthy of the Lifestream. I discovered that during that terrible night. I was whisked away into the ocean, and given another chance. 

I suppose it's about time I study the Lifestream again. It saved my life, I might as well try my best. To become the Wayfinder I know I was meant to be.

Vyldrax is dead, and my path is open. To what end? I don't know. But I suppose I'll find out when I walk it.

Levius and Lavenza would want me to move on. It's only fair that I do. For them.

And for myself.

"It was after Vyldrax's death at the hands of another that I found myself truly and utterly empty. For the first time in a long time, my heart felt nothing. Everything that I had been working toward, everything i've fought for, it felt as if it was all for nothing. Others had taken away my revenge and my justice for Levius. What else did I have to live for?"

"The Lifestream had saved my life, that night. If it wasn't for me activating that portal, I would have been in the grave just the same as Levius and Lavenza. I didn't want to give Vyldrax that satisfaction. Escaping him and spitting on his face? That was the most satisfaction I could ever have before he met his fate. I know he took that to the grave, the hatred that he let me get away. As much as it pains me, knowing that I wasn't the one to kill him myself?"

"I suppose beggar's cant be choosers."

"This was the at the point of my life that I finally tried to discover my true self. No longer would I live a fantasy, no longer would I try to become something I wasn't. I would be who I wanted too. I would not live up to anyone but myself, nor would I cling to any morals or ideals besides the one's that clung true to my heart."

"Levius's and Lavenza's death would not be in vain. It was time for me to move on. To be who I was truly meant to be."

"And even if the world was against me, even if I felt alone in the shadows of it all."

"I wouldn't stop fighting."

"I was born for a purpose, a purpose you'll find fulfilled in the pages of my journal. My transformation into a scared, anxious, and mute little girl."

"Into the gunslinger and outlaw I was meant to be"

"For Lavenza, for Levius, for my family."

"And for me."

"I'd live my legacy."

"I'll be the best gunslinger who has ever lived."

Chapter 4: The Gunslinger

Current Projects and Development:

Wayfinding:

Such a popular fad nowadays, isn't it? Seems like everyone and their mother knows how to tear open a Lifestream portal. Momma was lucky I didn't try doing Riftmancy. Lucky for her, I have some respect for the family legacy. Not much...b-but some. I've been studying since I was a kid. About nine years old, when I started dusting off books on Wayfinding theory and Lifestream theorems. Lavenza was always better at understanding all that complex physics and math stuff. They never really got the chance to become a Wayfinder, you know? But I won't let that be in vain.

I will become a Wayfinder. I feel something deep in my bones. That I was always meant to learn about the Lifestream. It's so hard to explain.

I suppose I won't know if I don't try.

Log One: First Steps

Before I started opening portals, I had to learn the basics. Basic theorem and physics were all I read about until I finally opened my first portal. The basics of forming runic sequences in a strict, precise method, connecting all of those little strings until you can finally open a portal. My first attempt was mostly a success, I found myself lacking in some areas. I needed some sort of crutch to practice with, that being infusing the runic sequences into my pistol. It was a start, of course. But I couldn't hang on to such a crutch forever.

Training wheels, I'd call it. Better than nothing, of course. But there was always more to unveil.

Log Two: Pull the Trigger

I had no real progress with my Wayfinding studies until Fauste had decided to mentor me. She's a kind woman, and much more knowledgeable than I can ever dare to be. For the longest time I was relying on a crutch to help me connect my runic sequences together. Fauste made some adjustments to the runes, making the whole process so much easier! I hope I made her proud! It was a tiny little thing, but I was able to teleport a stool a few feet away! I have never done anything like that before in my life! It was second step of many. It was all coming together at this point, little by little, those little sequences. I didn't have to use Levius's pistol as a crutch anymore. I needed to start remembering each and every sequence. But as I came to discover...

It was...easier said than done.

Still, I was a natural at the metaphysical. Plus, knowing the Null Hypothesis made it easier for me to grasp the concepts of manipulating the Lifestream. Things just started to click together. Something in my blood, I guess? Or maybe Momma passed down her good genes to little ol' me? It wasn't easy...but...

I wouldn't say it was hard, either.

Log Three: Trial and Error 

My idea of Wayfiinding is a little bit different than most. I use a projectile motion algorithm to send bullets straight through the Lifestream, 'carving' a portal as they enter and exit the 'wound' in reality. And before you ask, no it's not 'hurting' the lifestream like Riftmancy. It's still following the basic principles of trajectory, runecasting, and all of that. Of course, at this point I was still missing something. I was still using a crutch. Lavenza guided me on how to properly use my 'catalyst' for the lifestream. That being, of course, my pistol. And of course, a deeper understanding of [Convergence]. The two things holding be back, that I was finally able to hone my knowledge and my skills.

That is, until we were interrupted by a few...unsavory figures.

Still, this was one of the last moments I had with Lavenza before their death. They taught me so much in such little time. I only wish they were still here to see the woman I became, and the Wayfinder i'd eventually be.

I know they'd be proud.

Log Five: Just Like Me

It only took for me to be on the brink of death for me to open my very first portal.

Of course, it flung me a day into the future and left me with a variety of injuries. But I success is a success...right?

Ever since Lavenza's death, I had been unsuccessful at opening any portal besides small, tiny ones that can send objects a few feet away. I learned how to not rely so much on my crutch, and simply use my pistol and rifle as catalysts for opening the Lifestream. I developed my own method, sending specially made bullets to carve through the Lifestream and open portals. Of course, it meant I had to use my rifles as catalysts, and it meant I simply couldn't use it on my own. But the method worked, for what it was worth. Even if for small objects for small distances.

But something changed.

I fought that girl, Mari. And being so full of adrenaline, on the verge of death, I felt something in my bones. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I was able to escape by opening a portal. All those runes i've been practicing suddenly just formed into my head, I pulled the trigger...and there I was.

I was flung a day into the future, falling straight into Gloomlight, as Kateto was left to take care of my wounds. My very first portal, and the first of many.

I was proud, that day. Even if those words still lingered in my skull.

I wonder...am I still just like you, Mari?

Are we still the same?

Log Six: Redemption

Such an anti climactic end.

I guess Vyldrax deserved no better. Did I deserve better? Oh, of course I did. I deserved to be the one to put a bullet between his skull. The battle in it's entirety really doesn't matter. What happened after the fact was much, much more important. I was able to open a portal again. Again, the same thing that happened when I fought Mari. All that adrenaline, and all of those runes flashing in my mind until I simply...pulled the trigger. These two events mean that I had the potential to use the Lifestream. The potential to be a Wayfinder...

All I had to do was harness that. That feeling...

That power...

Log Seven:

Telepathy:

Everyone knows that i've always been a mute. Ever since I was a kid, Momma always said I was a quite child. I never spoke a word, or wanted to speak to anyone. I learned how to read and write, but never how to speak. I was always unsure why I was never able to speak. Momma checked my vocal cords herself, and they were completely in tact. I hypothesize that it always had something to do with my mana circuits. Or maybe just me being a extremely shy and lonely kid. I believe it's a mixture of the two. Undeveloped mana circuits, along with me being stunted in social growth as a kid. Again, I was very shy and alone. I didn't spend much time outside with other kids, and there's a good chance that i decided to just...not talk. And that has stunted my growth ever since.

Telepathy has always been something handy that allowed me to talk to others. Those with the knowledge of Telepathy can easily sneak into my mind and speak to me just as they would anyone else. People such as Yuki and Kateto, this has been a godsend with. It makes it so much easier to communicate with others, rather than just flapping my hands around and forcing people to read my lips.

This is a collection of my experiences with Telepathy. And of course, how I eventually learned it. A neat trick. And luckily, so, so much easier to learn than Wayfinding...

Log Zero: Sunrise Parabellum

While this is more or less something I remember for Lavenza showing me the first steps of Lavender Moon. I also remember it for it being the first time I had...ever heard my own voice. It was some sort of illusion magic that Lavenza had done, but it allowed me to see the truth that was hidden deep down in my heart.

A truth I never knew I had. And a voice that i'd never forget.

It was me.

I still wish I could thank Lavenza for opening that path for me.

Log One: Projection

A simple little thing. But it was my introduction to any form of Telepathy. I learned I could project my thoughts when Lavenza activated a set of runes in Illusion magic to allow me to project them to others. A simple and temporary trick, but it helped in allowing me to understand the concept. And know that there was a chance for me to speak without speaking, so to...speak.

You get what I mean.

Log Two: Opening

All it took was a simple little opening, and i'd be able to practice talking with others through Telepathy. Before this, i've had conversations with others who knew Telepathy such as Kateto and Yuki, with Yuki herself giving me that 'opening' of my circuits to allow myself to project my thoughts. I'm unsure exactly of what she did, but her prayer allowed my circuits to open, and in a way, I finally opened myself up to others. My thoughts and my feelings were always closed off from other people. I guess all it took was me opening myself a bit. I had alot to learn still, even after this. But i was getting there. That 'feeling' of knowing when and where to attach myself to someone and project my thoughts was starting to form, and of course, it was thanks to miss Yuki.

Who said you weren't a hero, mm?

Log Three: Truth

Again, this was another experience of opening my circuits to someone else. I didn't get it at this point, but all it took for me to project my thoughts onto someone was to 'connect' myself to them. For Majora, it was easy, considering he was my brother. I just grabbed his palm, honed in to that feeling, opened my circuits, and he was able to hear me. For the first time in forever, he was able to hear my truth.

But this was just one moment. I didn't exactly get it, at this point, nor did I understand telepathy to it's fullest...but I was getting there.

I was finding my truth. I was finding my voice, one step at a time.

Log Four: Voice

Momma heard my voice that night. I was drunk off my mind, but she still heard my voice. Again, I didn't get it then, but all it took was me touching her, echoing my voice into her head. I opened myself up to momma for the first time in forever, that night. And she did the same for me. She heard my voice, as well as I heard hers. I know it meant the world to her, to hear this stupid rural little girl's voice echo in her head.

I just remember being so happy. It was thanks to Yuki that I was able to do this. She opened up my circuits and allowed me to express myself to others. It feels good, you know? Not having to be so alone.

Knowing that I finally have a voice.

Log Five: Hurt

I didn't know that Telepathy can hurt someone. I tried to do my little trick to Tab, only to realize that it hurt her so badly, it left her in both tears and on the ground. To this day, I can't forgive myself for hurting her like that. I suppose on the bright side, it meant that my Telepathy was getting a little stronger? I had been practicing with people as of late, of course. My stupid ass didn't realize what was holding me back...

Something i'd find out soon enough


Log Six: Silence

It was during this little get together, that I learned of what allowed me to use Telepathy. It was touch, opening myself to others, and allowing their circuits to flow with my own. I was quite literally opening my heart to them. My thoughts, my voice, and all. It was all...interlinked with my circuits. And as I would come to find out, the reason for me being mute.

My next practice with Telepathy would be a breakthrough, as you'd soon come to see. And for the first time in my entire life...

I'd finally have my voice.

Log Seven: Breathe

While I had been practicing telepathy and it's concepts for quite a while, this was the first time I had a mentor to truly teach me about it's inner workings and my psionic circuits. Sure, I had been able to speak to people by connecting my mana circuits, but the true key was allowing myself to fully adapt to my psionic circuits and allow myself to project it onto others. It was a rather unorthodox class, but I would say it gave me a glimpse into what Telepathy truly was, as well as the concepts surrounding it. Miss Sterling had us each take a glimpse into our innate mana circuits and awaken the ones responsible for psionics. I felt...odd, though. Whatever Sterling did, that tear in reality had made me so...unnerved. I felt something watching me. Even as I sat there meditating and grasping to my innate psionic circuits, I felt as if...I was nothing. It's an odd feeling.

If I only knew what I had in store for me.

Log Eight: Glimpse:
Never in my life have I felt so...

Relieved.

It's hard to explain. My second lesson with Miss Sterling had me glimpse deeper into whatever realm she was attuned too. Once again, that presence was there. It felt so...unnerving. Yet relieving too? I felt as if I was nothing. My entire world nothing but a blank darkness for...I don't know how long. I remember seeing and feeling absolutely nothing. Just like last time, I meditated and made a deeper link to my psionic circuits. I can feel myself able to echo my thoughts to other's easier now. Everytime I do, however. I still feel as if something is...watching me.

It happens every now and them. A glimpse in the corner of my eye, or sometimes I jolt from my bed, finding a hand on my shoulder. It's just nightmares, i'm pretty sure. Or some aftereffect of awakening my psionic circuits. I just need a bit more practice to control it. And i'll be on way to being a Telepath in not time.

Though, whatever that realm was...

I hope to visit it again someday.

That darkness? Feeling nothing? It's...really comforting.

I wish I knew how to explain it.

Removing Shadow:

Shadow Magic has always been an innate quality of mine. I can't quite explain it, but it comes...very naturally to me. It always had, ever since I was a child. It was the first magic I learned I can summon right besides Gravity. Gravity magic had a bit of a learning curve, learning how to properly control your metaphysical magic, learn calculations on how to properly and legally manipulate the world, all of that. Shadow magic? It came right out of the box for me. I just...flicked my hand and there it was. A seeping pile of black goop, right out of my palm. It wasn't until I got older that I realize why it came so easily to me.

It was because I was in pain.

I am unsure if I inherited it from my other parent, or if it's just something that manifested from my sorrow. But it always came so naturally. It was at it's strongest when I was depressed. I could conjure shadow clones and shoot bullets with trails of black that would inflict you with the worst pain imaginable when I was at my best. My best, being ironically, my worst.

I hated it. I hated everything about it.

My shadow magic wasn't like the others who wielded it. I knew that for a while. It held me back, it really did. It held me back from the person I wanted to be. It was so easy to use it as a crutch, but was that darkness really who I was? I wasn't sure.

These are my attempts to 'wash' away the magic from my circuits. Oddly enough, it would coexist with my speech therapy. The better I got at speaking and Sound magic, the worse my Shadow magic became. There was no balance. I was either depressed and diving deep into my sorrow for that strength, or I was nothing.

Any further, and it would be so easy for me to learn black magics...

I didn't want too, however. I didn't want to rely on a crutch to be strong. So these are my attempts to wash away my magic and my attempts at speech therapy. Of course, it coincides with me learning Sound magic! And...learning how to play my guitar. What? What's a cowgirl that doesn't know how to play guitar?

Well, here you are. The shadows of my heart. Left laid to bear.

Log One: Come as You Are.

I have always been a depressed and lonely little girl. For as long as I can remember, I felt like an outsider. I never belonged anywhere. I felt more comfortable in my room, reading my little stories and imagining myself in the place of those heroes. I also loved music. I remember momma playing for us from time to time. It was rare when she did. Maybe after a few bottles of wine she'd pull out her guitar and play us something. She used to be a musician of some sort way back then when she was our age. Or something like that, I think. Something or someone hurt momma enough that it made it hard for her to pick up that guitar again and simply play. I guess a part of me just felt bad. So when I was little, amongst all the Wayfinding studies and everything else, I learned how to pick up the guitar. Of course, what cowgirl is truly a cowgirl without knowing how to play?

Whenever I was sad or lonely, i'd remember these songs. I'd remember momma playing for me. It made me forget about everything for just a moment. It made me happy. Momma and I share alot of feelings, I like to think. It's no wonder I can use Shadow magic.

I remember playing for Hoshi and Majora. Majora...fell asleep. And Hoshi didn't really have anything to say. It hurt me. The one single thing that made me feel better, the one time I try to express myself to someone else...i'm ignored. I suppose i'm used to it at this point. But that really hurt me, you know? It made the Shadow's worse.

I was depressed for a time after that. I thought I can finally move away from my grief and my sorrow by playing music, only to learn my audience didn't really care.

Of course, i'm stubborn It would take more than that for me to give up. I knew I can move on. And that's exactly what I did.

I moved on.

The shadows in my heart wouldn't control me anymore.

Log Two: Owner of a Lonely Heart.

It's much better than an owner of a broken one.

Momma and I are kindred souls, somewhat. I suppose if I inherited anything from her, it was her grief and her depression. As well as her stubbornness...and her talent for pissing people off. But playing for Momma is some of the best memories I have. She may not show it, but I know she appreciates me honing some of her musical skill. I know my first attempt to play for my family failed, but my second? It made me so happy. So warm, to know I share a heart with my momma.

Even if I was a bit drunk, I felt the shadows waning away. For just a little moment, it all felt as if everything was coming together.

I hope I made her proud. It was the first time in a while too, that I finally...spoke. I'm unsure how or why I did it. But all I know is one thing during that moment.

I didn't feel so scared anymore.

Log Three: Horse with No Name.

One of my favorites. I played this for Esoti on our first 'date'. I was reminded of it because of his horse, Blasthoof. Even though his horse...did have a name, it reminded me of this song! Again, I felt happy playing this for him. If only I knew of the sorrow to come...but for the moment?

All was right in the world.

The shadows were moving away, ever so slowly. I didn't feel as if I had to harness them anymore. But what were these shadows? And why did I become so naturally attuned to them?

I'd find out soon, what those shadows in my heart truly were.

(Prelude)
Log Four: Love Buzz

What I did to Tab?

It's hard to forgive myself.

That night, I was unsure what came over me. Some mixture of confusion, love, and...lust. Even now, it's awkward to talk to her. We don't really talk about that night, and of course I apologized to both her and Aricles. But it still feels wrong, that I did that to her. No manner of apology or begging can make it feel right in my heart. 

But I did it to myself.

After some research, I began to realize that my Shadow magic was forming into something...darker. It made me impulsive, emotional, and angry. More than usual. It felt like my entire soul was being ripped apart by nothing but darkness. And really? It was no wonder why the Void felt so good to me.

It's likes second nature.

But if I am to become the person I want to be, I had to get rid of it. All of it Every single inch of darkness inside of me. It didn't matter if it broke me, if it caused excruciating pain. I knew it needed to go.

I needed to move on.

It had been years since Lavenza and Levius's deaths. And I was still full of grief and sorrow, unable to move on. There was so much darkness in me, I needed someone's help to finally relieve me of all my pain and burdens.

I don't understand why Tab and Aricles carried my burdens, especially after what I did to them. But they did.

And it's because of them, that I didn't become a shadow of myself.

That I didn't give in.

Log Five: Gimme Shelter

While Aricles and Tab siphoned out much of my burdens. It was Kateto that did the brunt, and the rest of the job. There was still much darkness inside of me. All of the pain and sorrow i've lived in my life, still holding me back. I couldn't move on until I finally got rid of it all. What better than an Absorption magi and a witch to take on my burdens and my sorrow? To help me move on from it all?

I knew that if I didn't give up the shadows in my heart, they'd twist into something...evil. There's an innate darkness inside of me. Something so deep and buried. I can feel it. Every time my emotions unfurl or I get angry or depressed, it just overwhelms me. It feels so natural to be sad. But why? 

I never knew my other parent. Whoever they were...maybe they were the culprit. Shadow magic was the first magic I ever summoned, and it felt so easy and natural to control. All of the pain and sorrow, fueling each and every shadow. And yet, I knew I couldn't be at my best if I didn't move on from my sorrow. My grief and my scars are still there...

But they don't hold me back anymore.

Kateto took my burdens for me. Each and every memory, each and every single sorrow i've ever faced in my life. They took it all for me. They gave me a second chance...a chance to finally move on.

And for that?

I will always love them.

It is because of you, Kateto. That I was finally able to move on from the shadows of my heart.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart.

Gunslinger Stance*:


Project Lavender Moon:

My magnum opus, my attempt at a relic for the Malibu family would be my Project Lavender Moon. The very thing i'd poor my blood, sweat, and tears into. It would be my family's first relic, and a reminder of all of those we have lost, and those we can still save.

Lavender Moon was originally Lavenza's idea. It was a rifle under a different name, made for Levius to wield. It was a very meticulous and planned out project, with the rifle having more features than a damn armory. Of course, this would also mean that it would require many rare and valuable materials to bring to life. After us Malibu's got audited...we didn't have many of those anymore! Or a lot of money! Meaning that i'd have too...adapt.

Of course, I still have plenty of Arcanium and a rare midnight colored ore to use for it's prototype. As well as Lavenza's blueprints. I put my own spin and adjustments to the blueprints, switching it from a bolt action mana rifle to a lever action, and of course, putting my own adjustements. I still kept many of the ideas from Lavenza's original plans. The adjustable rune-sights, an easy to repair and replace frame, runic sequences allowing for the rifle to adapt specifically to Metaphysical magics, all that noise.

Suffice to say, this rifle means alot to me. I'd take the approach of making a simple prototype and upgrading it from there. It's design made it so it was very easy to switch out materials or adjust the nature of it's make. This rifle isn't just for me, it's for Lavenza and Levius. It's my contribution to the Malibu family. It's our relic, and it's our legacy.

Everything about Lavender Moon represents us. So again, suffice to say.

I won't let this simply be just another rifle.

But our rifle, to pass on for generations to come.

Log One: Sunrise Parabellum
I remember this well, the first time Lavenza ever showed me their blueprints for Lavender Moon. It was called something different back then. Of course, I put my own adjustments and renamed it since then to fit myself rather than Levius. These were simply the blueprints for something special. I admit, Lavenza did alot of the work. I simply put my own adjustments and remade many of the configurations to fit my own fighting style. But still, it was something special. And I still plan to have those words engraved onto it.

Sunrise Parabellum.

For those we have lost, and for those we can still save.

Log Two: The Making of Lavender Moon.

It took a long while, and many, MANY hours of work. But Kateto and I finished our first prototype of Lavender Moon. I was successfully able to create it! Though there are some kinks I still have to work out. Of course, I specifically made this weapon so that I can upgrade it in the future when I had better materials. But this was the first time I ever found myself with something special to call my own. A rifle that can break through reality, and be my loyal companion for years to come.

Of course, Lavender Moon was still a baby at this point. Much had to be done still! And many ores had to be acquired. To make Lavender Moon into something truly, truly special.

Log Three: Yet to Be Written

This was the first time that I showed the finished product to both Kateto and Majora. Of course, this was also right after I finished my field testing and deemed it ready for combat. Again, Lavender Moon was simply a baby at this point. A prototype that needed much more testing and many more rare ores to upgrade it with. It was mostly an Arcanium frame, but Prismanthium and Eternite, as well as Austeria would be nice to have. Some unique items as well, to make Lavender moon into something truly special. All it really has going for it is that ore that Majora gave me that I infused it with. Sure, it's nice. But it can be something much, much more.

Alas, the future is yet to be written. And I find myself...excited to see what I come up with next.

(wip wip wip wip wip watch me wip watch me nay nay watch me wip)

[Hika]

Why can't I believe my lie?

All those stories i've read. Of people of unimaginable strength. Brave heroes, who wanted nothing more than to save and protect others?

How much of that is true?

How many of you truly desire to save others? I know that most of you want power.

What else do we live for?

But to embrace your egos.

It's ridiculous. It's...sad. That most of the stories I read were never real. They were fabrications of what those heroes truly were.

I'm no better.

I want to believe my lie. That I am better. Than all of you. Then every single soul that wishes to bring change to this cursed isle.

But I can't.

None of it matters.

All of you wish for nothing more to embrace your ego, to become the one to finally bring change to this useless little island.

I wonder what it all means. What will happen? When you realize just how useless you truly are.

I guess i've realized my own uselessness. But do I care? Of course I do.

It doesn't matter.

Not when I have so much more to live for.

In this daydream, where I can't find light.

I wish someone will help me.

Every day I see the moon fading. Will the gods answer me? Please.

Just give me more time.

Please...

Please.....?