Iridescent Heart - Shiri Shi Shimasu

[Benyah]

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I think I'm too far from saving, if this is wrong then I outright refuse to be right. And I'm going to keep doing wrong until the day I die. I will forever criticize Gloomlight's new policies. The Oracle is supposed to be a representative of Athelios, did the Lord Warden decree spankings to be a must for disobedience? 

Weird and fucked up.

She can abandon me, if she likes. I did well before her, and all success she claims is because of my decisions. 

I don't care who I lose, nothing will ever make me prostrate myself before others who don't deserve it. I was a young lady, I took it all, I put up with everything. Not anymore.

I don't care, Athelios themself could come down from the heavens, Enarr could personally demand it, a thousand faceless could beat my ass. I'm not going out like that.  Nobody is spanking me in public. They're going to have to kill me if they try that shit. 

I hope they just say se'ra nu se'ra and kick me out or something, because I'm going to turn shit up if that ever becomes the case. 

These laws are only as powerful as the actual enforcement of them, and if they're willing to kill to propagate those laws, then Aphros has lost its direction entirely.

 I have no desire to support what I'm seeing in any manner, it's ironic that there's more freedom in Midpoint and the Frontier than in Gloomlight itself, when you are becoming worse than your enemy, you have to stop to ask:

"Who's the real bad guy here?"

I've never seen Midpoint or the Frontier treat their people in this way, from what I've seen? They do everything for them. In Gloomlight? You worship the wrong god and you're getting spanked. And by wrong god, I mean any god but Athelios. 

I'm better off just diving into it all myself, I'm better off serving what I do, in a manner that is best for me. Because clearly, if this is the vision, I'm going to purposefully blind myself.

I'm pushing thirty, I wonder if the first person to get spanked will be a grown ass adult. 

Man, how do the enforcement of these laws even work? Do they take it to trial to determine if you warrant a spanking? Or do they just decide: "You must be spanked". 

Do you think Athelios is watching this and going: "That's some good shit."
Under these rules, I can't even mediate because that's paying tribute to Nemea, and in essence "worshipping" another god. 

What the fuck does worship mean anyway? That's such a vague and broad-reaching term, is it telling you, you can't actively pray on behalf of another god, for others?

These laws are so vague, it can be used to justify literally any decision that is made, and it has. I'm not buying this "Oracle is the defacto representative of Athelios" rubbish. I agreed with that during the time of Loramelian, but the policies and decisions I'm seeing? 

It isn't consistent. Athelios stood on behalf of Azalea, but we can't even stand on behalf of the rights of our people, we're just going to beat them like dogs for disagreeing.

 We're going to take their rights, and tell them: Go elsewhere, or convert. Isn't Azalea, by right of Athelios, another God? This is inconsistent with a policy that demands an entire country to exclusively worship him, or else.

Because that's what this really is. This isn't freedom. This isn't justice, this isn't balance, this isn't law and order, this is simply an abuse of power.

Who's going to do these spankings anyway? Talguth? 
I miss the good old days when I wasn't the only one with a moral compass, everyone else would rather sit like an obedient servant and let their rights be taken.

[Benyah]

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I've lost my head.

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[Benyah]

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My flaws, on display for the world to see. 
They say the way that we speak is disrespectful, they laugh at us and make jokes. 

But on our side? We stand upright, with our allies.
We stand tall, we stand proud, we speak our language, and we won't be ashamed to be who we are. 

Who I am? 
I'm sure they know

Who we are?
I'm sure they see it now. 

All of those nights they will never see.
I told Justia, from the dirt we'll rise. 

I never lied.

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[Benyah]

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I did what I thought was right. 

I did what I believed was best for us. 
You have put your trust in me, to do what I must for our cause.

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And it seems... 

The sum total of my actions leads others to believe..

I am some vile creature who knows nothing but harming those around them.

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Well then, I'll claim my title as the "Vile". 

And I will wear that with pride, because my vile nature? 
Who I am, who I may be, I never wavered on those beliefs.

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But a Queen must realize when her reign has ended. 

Some Queen, who harms her subjects with every action. At least, that is their proclamation. Who would want to be Queen? 

Just another puppet, one to be replaced eventually.

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Contrary to what the world perceives...

You are set free. 
And you are allowed to live, breathe, and appreciate the world. 
And you will be strong, for the battles you face are not mine, but from your perspective, I suppose that brings you joy. 

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This world I made, with my own two hands. 

This pride I have, built off of every failure I've endured. 

This self righteous nature, acquired over a decade and some of doing wrong, and being wrong. 

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But has it not brought you success? 

Have my flaws not brought you boons? Yet you proclaim, it is all agony.

Don't you know? There's a price to pay for everything. I have paid that price in blood, for my ways, several times.

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But what have you paid? What have you granted? 

So evil and vile, never making the right decisions, but I don't deserve pity.

Because all of my actions were my own, and I do not regret a single one. I've said I was changing, how many times, to how many people.

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And I am.

That is why this is my first act of change, the Vile Princess of the Shigenobu Clan, sets free those who cannot stand the agony she inflicts.

That's what this has always been, I've always left when I was not wanted. But this time? I will not leave nor abandon what I have created, so the evils found to deep must fester within the minds of those who seek freedom. 

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You are set free. 

And if I am all that remains, and I am alone on a boat, and I travel the forests as I enjoy nature, and find peace, in the lands where the Kozaks are. 

Then I am happy. 

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No one else, could've done what this world has asked of me.

And for that.
I am forever free.

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Won't the heavens shine down upon me? 

Acknowledge me for all I have done? Or is it not enough?

Must I do more? Must I keep toiling, and when I die, will I go where they stand defiant? 

I've been searching for death for awhile now, to be freed from this dogmatic way of life. 

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Darkness, or light.

I will remain righteous until I have no breath left to breathe.

And it will not be taken from me.

My heart aches in a way I cannot describe, and I suppose this is the part where I...

Fall into despair.

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[Benyah]

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What are you going to do, Shiri?
I'm sure everyone is dying to know.

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[Benyah]

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All for you, my dear sister, everything I have done.
Everything I will do, it has always been for all of you. 

They asked, what will you do, Shiri? 
In earnest... Try my best to do what is right, and can be done from my position. 

If this is it, then I'm happy. If it's not, then I hope I manage to bring you back home. 

The die has been cast, and what happens is already set within stone. 

I can only hope the gods have us in their favor, but should darkness prevail. 

Then I'm happy I tried at all, to resist their will.

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[Benyah]

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I don't know what it takes. 

Maybe lately, I don't know.

I feel like the weight of the wind has been taking a toll.

My heart's been heavy, and I'm operating a shattered soul. 

It's helish when I close my eyes at night. 

Trying to anticipate what unfathomable horror has occurred in my absence.

That's why these nights I never sleep until morning.

I get no sick days, I don't get the time to sit around and wait until things change.

Because they will change, and it's seldom self-contained. 

. . .

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[Benyah]

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I could not grant you all that you desired.
It hurts me more, knowing I am the one entrusted to do right by you. It seems I have only ever done wrong.
I could write a million letters to each of you, of this soul-crushing pain I feel. But you wouldn't read it, for you are dead, estranged or long gone. 

I won't alienate you, but my heart burns. Lately, I have been feeling ill… In many ways. 
You shouldn't remember me, the person who has brought you such agony. I'd like to say I knew the right way.
But thirteen years in, I'm still learning how to do the right thing, and I'm fearing there is not much more of a path to thread.

Not a life I desire to live, anyway. Not anymore.

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[Benyah]

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I found some Colbatine laying in the streets today. 
So I re-appropriated it to my stash.

I'm such a naughty girl.

[Benyah]

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Now we are here, I wonder, truly.
Will this world remember my deeds? What I have done for Fortune, the very title of Seneschal being my creation? I suppose not, and such is the nature of my endeavors. 

There are so many things... 
And it feels as if history will remember me not for what I've done, but for what has been perceived to be my actions; I'm quite vile, they say. Maybe not anymore, I've hidden myself away quite well.


Will the world believe, none of it was achieved by genuine effort, or there was purpose behind my motions and endeavors?
Alas, that matters little now. I am but a shell of whoever I might've been. 

It is disappointing, I've grown tired of life at such a young age. I think, that is my flaw. 
In the end, I lacked perseverance, the will and dedication to see everything through to the end indefinitely. Too afraid, too prideful, too smart, too stupid, too fast, and too slow, I had every reason to not persevere, and now I see that was no one's fault but my own. I should've kept trying, even if it killed me.

But this is nice, tears fell from my eyes in night past, however I've come to accept reality. 
In my heart, my deeds will last forever. I know, those who know, will remember my merit forever more. This is why, I am thankful for having had the chance at all to show what I've got.

Taking a chance on a socially awkward girl dressed up in all pink, like some sort of caricature of femininity. 
And to think I betrayed them, making myself more like a man in an attempt to garner respect, to make my peers take me seriously.

I stopped crying, I stopped smiling, I stopped showing emotions, I became the aggressor and even then I failed to maintain this facade in perpetuity, when it was too much I broke down. 
I wish I could go back, and do things differently. I could tell myself, Shiri... Don't sacrifice your femininity to be accepted by structures you don't need to validate your worth. 

Be yourself, and be content with the consequences.

But I'm content, still. 
I am content with being this errant philosopher, trying to discover the meaning to life's true questions. Lonely as it be, I believe it is a task only I can achieve. Though, I don't perceive many to appreciate my writings within this life. Maybe, one day, some curious child will pick up a dusty book in some far-flung library and for her, him, or them, my teachings will be gospel.

A suitable retirement for a restless mind, bent on improving the world around her.

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