my shadow

[InThePooPoo]

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see.
People call things 'beautiful,' and say the names of colors.

But all I know is black. That's the color when there's no light.
I know because that's what they tell me.
I know black.

They say good people bring light to the world.
Heroes beat away the darkness.

I want to be a hero,
so nobody else has to spend their life living in the black.

So I'll get rid of those little monsters one by one.
Until there's none left in the world.

That's what I'll do, Rudey.
You and me will bring the light.




But there's a shadow behind me. 
The thing that happens when light is blocked out.
It makes me so mad.

I can't even think.
I can't hear anything when I hear it.
Ookami.

The worst word ever invented.

It just sets something off in me...

Can I ever be a hero when I have a weakness like that?

I hope so...
Otherwise...

Hmm.

[InThePooPoo]

I'm not worth anything.

I already know that... my body is misshapen...
My ears are covered in hair....
My spine sticks from my back and hangs around... moves on its own.

I can't see.

Father always said I was worthless.

Most people at school agree with him, I guess,
and that's fine.
I'm used to it.

But what about the people that don't?
There are people who believe in me... people who...
for some reason, don't want to see me starve and die in a corner.
Are they just... wrong?



BARK BARK

BARK

BARK BARK BARK

I can't hear myself think sometimes.
Sometimes it is so loud that by the time it stops,
I've already tried to stab someone...

Like they're the source of the noise.

But I've already ended up flat on my back with a boot in my face.
A reminder of how little I am to all of them.
It's normal now.

I deserve it.




I deserve it.

[InThePooPoo]

Some things aren't meant to be.

I was desperate. I had been for a very long time.
The ball coming up was just a catalyst for all that need.

I needed to be able to see.
I wanted it so badly that my heart tried to jump out of my chest.
The moment he offered it to me, 
I didn't even hesitate.

There was no thought of how or why.



It didn't matter.
Even when he put them in my head...
and I could feel the rot inside me fester even more.
The barking had been replaced.

Screams.

A face. I saw a face for the very first time.
She was dying -
and we were killing her.

Me and the rest of the walking dead.
The damned. 

They're still there with me when I sleep.
So is she.
The woman with the rags over her eyes.

I thought it would go away after I lost them,
and Sigismund... fixed me.

It just seems to have gotten worse.
I hear them while I'm awake.
I see them when I close my eyes.

I tried looking in a mirror too.
I don't see myself. 






I see them watching me.

[InThePooPoo]

Psychosis.


That's what she calls it.
The horde of eyes watching me as they tear apart the world.
The eyes of the people I love and cherish.
The eyes of all the strangers.


Psychosis.







She's staring at me,
the one I did this to myself for.

So is he.
The one that has been at my side forever.

And him.
The one who promised to lift me up whenever I'd fall.

All of them.
The people who hate me, and beat me down every chance they get.
The ones who want to see me succeed,
and thrive.

I'm there, too. 
Looking right back at myself.







Like I'm waiting to see me do something.
Something bad.
It's hard to stop myself sometimes. It's so hard to stop.
But I do.

Every single time.
I stop myself, because I'm better than the worms in my head.
I'm better than the damned. Better than the screamers.
I've only broken down into tears once.

I've only broken down into tears one time.

Psychosis.

That's all it is.

Just Psychosis.

[InThePooPoo]

My birthright.









That's what he called it.
He knew my name.
The monster with no body. 
His insides were hollow.

My birthright... was to become one with him,
one with them,
the horde.
The Endless Nothing.

Why?
I have already inherited deformity after deformity.
Blemish after blemish. Burden after burden.
What does fate have to gain from being so cruel,
to someone who already has so little?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
It's just my luck.

There's only one thing left to do now,
and that's to find the root of it.
Where does this birthright come from?

Damn my blood.
Damn my luck.
Damn it all.

I'm so sorry.