They fear that of which they don't understand

[Retro]

Barsburg, Capital

Winter, 1881.

I lack the ability to write down my feelings correctly.

No, not because of writer's block, nor is it a lack of vocabulary. I feel as if I have stumbled across something that not even I am truly able to comprehend.

But perhaps for you, my future self, I should start from the beginning.

It is the winter of 1881, and this will be the last time you write within your room in the Barsburgian Empire as a child. As for tomorrow you set off Starfall Academy.

Yet that is not why you, I, we, cannot write.

No, we prepared for this day. We knew eventually we would grow up and have to move on. Our mandatory service would’ve done that to us, it was just a matter of time, yet even with all of that being known I still cannot write.

My mind, thoughts and being have been whisked away to another realm, one of possibility, of intrigue, excitement and horror. All because I pondered one simple question.

Why?

It is both a word I despise and envy. It begs those that dear heed its siren call to look and find the answers. A word that many greats have found the answer to.

And yet despite each great finding their answer, making their mark on the world their findings always lead to more questions.

Why?

It always comes back to it. Over and over and over again. And despite it being something we praise others for finding. It is also something we look down upon.

Do not ask questions. Everything is fine, The machine is great, continue your work.

Yet despite me knowing all of that, despite my honest and genuine feelings towards those statements I cannot help but indulge within my own vice, my curiosity.

Why?

To be honest, I don’t know. I don’t know why I feel the call to look into my desire. To betray what has so clearly stated to me.

Perhaps I am the greatest genius the world has ever seen.

Or maybe I am just a fool who is about to go through with the greatest mistake ever made.

My future self, find the answers you so desperately seek,

You from the past

[Retro]

"Be not afraid, for it knows when you are scared."

Esshar, Starfall Academy.
Summer, 1885.

My dreams have been filled with the things I have seen.

"Why hello there. What's a young one like you doing here?"

She was right. Far too right, and a lot different from what I expected. Kind, caring, supportive. Albeit weird but, I don't think it subtracts from what makes her a good person.

"If I tell you my story, do you believe it would provide you more context for my words?"

She comforted me, wiped the drool from my face. 

"You know that's a new one."

I must seem pathetic.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm okay with being called mom."

But she listened to my ideas, she smiled, she laughed, and answered all of my silly questions, and all I can dream about is what I saw that day.

"I think that's a possibility. It's not something I'd ever be able to accomplish."

The answer to my question. The Abyss I have stared at for so long. The Abyss that stared back at me. Watching. Waiting. Listening, waiting for my slightest hesitation. 

"You have treated it well in your time here, so I'm fairly sure it won't poison you."

But I did it. I jumped. 

"Breathe in, breathe out."

And nothing can stop me now. 

"Let it take you where it you where it's going to."

My disease will be cured. I won't allow myself to go terminal. No, not now. Not ever. 

"Do not be afraid of it, or it will know."

Barsburg needs me, and for them I must progress. I must triumph. I must show them it can be done, I must show them how they can do it. There is no room for failure. We have long since passed that point, the point of no return. 

"You were meant to foster this, can't you see it?"

But first, I must go back. 

I must stare into the abyss again.

"Lust after whatever you desire. See where it leads you.

That's what change does, right, Patrick?"

[Retro]

My name is Patrick Denton. 

I live on the Essharn Peninsula at Starfall Academy. I'm assigned to the Basilisk Dorm House, second floor, first room to the left.

I am Seventeen years old now, and I left my home at the age of thirteen to come here to study and learn.

I believe in bettering yourself everyday. When I wake up I do at least fifteen minutes of light reading in the bath, after which I dedicate at least ten minutes to study over the material the professor's assigned to us the night before.

I like to take walks around the campus before I head to my first class. Either by the beach near Basilisk's dorm house or by the lake in the center of the academy. Sometimes I'll even bring my fishing pole and enjoy catching a few fish before I am forced to my first class by the bell. 

If required, I will perform routine maintenance on my sunglasses, my most prized possession, something I've had since I was but a toddler. 

But lately something has changed. 

What I once saw in my dreams is leaking forth into my vision. The Abyss I stared at, and plunged into is wrapping around me more and more and I can't stop it. She was right. I am changing, and while I do not know how I will end up, or if I can truly stop it I know I will be permanently effected for the rest of my life.

I fear that my younger self may be right, I may be the greatest fool this world has ever seen, but I cannot act on those fears. For it knows when I am afraid, and when I am afraid it comes out. 

I have all the normal characteristics of a human being, blood, flesh, skin and hair, but I cannot feel more than disconnected, for lately my emotions have been filled with anger, greed and lust. Something is slowly happening to me, I fear that my bloodlust is flowing into my every day life. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. 

For whenever I take off my glasses, and I look at myself in the mirror. All I see is someone I did not want to become.