Where can I find it?

[induetime]

Time is so hard to come by. There is never enough of it.

But I need it to find the answer.

I have a good life. They treat me well, and I keep myself busy by being helpful. It's all going well now. The two young misses are growing up so quickly. I don't have to worry about the past too much...

I don't have to, yet I do. I can never let go. I miss them everyday. I hide my pain in my crafts and studies. I keep my mind busy so as to not be reminded of what I lost, yet those moments are ephemeral.

I don't tell them about what goes on in my mind. I don't want to worry them. They've given so much... and yet, they do not have what I want the most. They can't help me find the answer.


But she can help. I was scared, but... she was pleasant. She heard me out. She can help, and she is willing to do so. But the others won't understand...

Do I do as she suggested?

It's too late to go back now, isn't it?.. I screwed up, didn't I?..

But I think this will give me time to find the answer.

I'm sorry.

[induetime]

So much time to think now...

But memories are taking their toll.

Oh well.

Fate gives, and fate takes.

The memories, good and bad, have always been so vivid for me. The most important ones are relived so frequently in my mind.
Keeping my mind busy has always kept them away. Be it through work,
or simply enjoying the company of others...
But even in those moments the past replays in the back of my mind,
constantly reminding of its presence.

She wants things to go back to how they were. She doesn't believe that I'm sorry, that I care.
It hurts, but I was prepared. I only hoped that the moment would come later...
I don't know if I'll ever get to show her how much I care.

Oh well. It is what it is.

He said that I will never have my answer.
But perhaps the answer is something that none of us comprehend.
Maybe the answer lies in preserving the memories?

Oh well. I wonder if I will get to find out.

I wasn't strong enough. I wonder if she thinks less of me now.
Maybe I deserve that, but...
As long as she accepts me back, I still have a chance to find the answer.
I wonder if he thinks less of me now.
If I don't come back, we will never have all the time in the world.
It was a promise, wasn't it?
How sad that I might not be able to keep it.

Oh well.

If only I could be simply content with the life I was given. But it was never meant to be.
Some would say I live in the past.
They would be right.
I see the past everyday.

I wonder what the next day brings.

[BoryaTheSlayer]

... So much has changed since then.

When I was a young girl, I wanted to get back what I lost. And so, I went to the ones who promised me the ability to do so. There, I met many wonderful people. There were some that stood out, like the one I eventually began to call Mother, but there were others...

I was foolishly in love with a boy. Both him and I were looking for the same thing, but to different ends. We danced together in joy, even as the world around us burned down - and yet, I was not enough for him. My love was not enough for him. And so, he discarded me, and eventually, returned to take away even more. I hated him more than anyone else, even after he died. Though I hated death more, still.

After I had learned to move on from heartbreaks, I found another one I came to love with time. It grew quickly, much likely from our poor past experiences in romantic endeavors, but as quickly did it end when he was betrayed and, eventually, sent to his death in Osrona. What was left of him are the children, the last pieces of my human life.

Sometime after, I had become immortal, just as I wanted. It took way more years than it should have. Many setback were encountered along the way. But, in the end - I did it. I had all the time in the world to endlessly pursue the knowledge I desired.

... And yet as time went on, as the curse settled in further and further, those dreams of bringing back the ones who had long since departed drifted further and further away from my scattered mind. I hated him so much that I wanted to be as powerful as him after his death. To utterly usurp the place he held in people's minds.

Then I found yet another one to love. All I ever wanted in this life is to find another who will stay by my side forever, simply enjoying the vices eternal life has to offer. And we did just so, together; yet both of us coveted even greater power, ambitions of unimaginable magic.

And then were there many others with whom I had less memories, yet they made up that reality which I called my duchy all the same. Ailen, Adrian, Marjorie, my steward Task, even Araceli, and so on.

My ultimate desire was to maintain a single, beautiful moment; forever frozen in place. Before that fated battle, I had thought to stop the flow of time in all of Esshar. But then... I decided I would be content with keeping that moment all to myself, and another.

I shall keep him away for a while, but will we both return?.. Will only one of us return? Neither?

I suppose I messed up...

Perhaps you will find joy in this wretched world, unlike I, Justine, Emilia.