A Stolen Journal

[Jess]

  

1843 AC
  
I followed Mother and hid as she got Cordelia's present out of the closet, and sure enough.. there was mine too.
My birthday is ten months away, but I took it anyway.
I'm going to be in so much trouble..
   
Though what else am I supposed to do?
I shouldn't have to wait just because I'm younger,
I can write in this stupid thing just like she can.
I can even do it better.
    
We're going to be sent off to the Academy soon,
I really don't want to go.
I'll probably end up in a dorm with Elys.
He smells like cheese..
   
I looked at the stars tonight,
I felt them calling out to me.
When I closed my eyes,
all I saw was red.
    
Why am I so angry?

[Jess]

 
Why is it always me..?
  
Always my fault.
  
Always the reason fights begin.
Always the reason things go badly.
 
"You're an idiot... Violence isn't always the answer, Priscilla!"
 
"You think that I'm the problem. That I'm the one that has to change."
 
"Did you see mom last night?
Did you see her cry in front of you?
Crying because she thought she failed all of us!?
Did you?
No, you didn't.
She's in pain because of all that you guys seem to do."
 
"I'm not the problem."
 
"Yes, you are"
   
They just don't understand.
 
I'm right.
 
I have to be.
 
Otherwise bashing Melody's head on the wall was for nothing.
That my mother's tears were shed for just my own selfishness.
I can't accept that.
That would make me a monster too. 
This light, it's a part of me. I can't ignore it anymore.
The joy in release, is unlike anything I've felt.
Yet it's hungry, and I don't know how much I can afford to feed it.
How long before it begins to starve?
 How long before that euphoric fury simply becomes my existence?
How long before I don't want to let it go?
I'll hold on for you guys, I swear.
As long as I'm hunting the monsters, we don't have to worry.
I can't look in the mirror anymore.
Everything is under control.
It isn't.

[Jess]

Tucked away in a drawer in an apartment of the Church, rests a journal once stolen.
Upon the corner of it's cover..? A name.
      
Priscilla K. Gardios
  
Within the pages were the thoughts and feelings of the Felinae over the years,
doodles and designs, ideas, but..
upon it's last pages..?
   
A message.
    

"Who would have thought this is where I would end up..? A Radiant of all things?

Auxis told me I would have my promotion soon, alongside the others, and he wanted me to choose some fancy title.

I've not told anyone yet, not even Evelyn, I want to claim it myself when the time comes.

    

The Crimson Lion of the Order of the Second Dawn, sounds awesome.. to me at least.

   

I never thought I would actually be here, not someone like me. I was never temperate like Elys..

Or sympathetic like Cordelia.. All I ever knew was passion and anger, with everything else just squashed between.

For so long.. so.. so.. long.. all I knew was how mad at the world I was, and for what reason?

   

Because before I even realized it, it was imperfect.

It was a world where Oaths were broken, families torn apart..

A world where the wills of weak men allowed them to sell their souls and their humanity for power.

A world where I nearly lost my father to monsters, before he cut himself free with his own two hands.

   

The world had no right to be so flawed, in my eyes, even if I didn't realize it's why I was so angry.

I was so close to letting that wrath tempt my heart astray, but watching all of the pain of Elias' betrayal set me along a better path.

It made me realize what could happen when someone broke beneath the weight of their own soul,

and what the result of giving into temptation could really be.

    

I remember taking the knee before the Lightbearer, he asked me to swear my own Oaths.

To make my own choices, and for a moment..? I almost simply swore the traditional ones, but.. then I felt it.

They were the same Oaths that Elias had cast aside and spat upon, and the same Oaths that Angelo and others would come to break.

I didn't need those, no.

I needed something more, Oaths that were just for me.

   

I would have thought that I could never change, but that is exactly what those words did for me.

It was then that I slowly began to realize the truth of it all, bit by bit..

I struggled with that reality, to realize just how imperfect the world was.

I had began drinking myself into a stupor day after day... Until Mother came.

   

She always believed in me, even when I was at my worst.

She was always there, to give me what I needed to keep going.

This was no different, because I was reminded of who I was, and who I'm meant to be.

It doesn't matter if the world around us is so broken, so inherently flawed.

  

What matters at the end of the day, is to stand strong beneath temptation.

That is the purpose of it all.. For it to test us.

I feel as though I should apologize to everyone for taking so long to realize it, foolish me.

Though that was the answer I been seeking for so long.

  

There have been so many I've seen fail that very test, but I refuse.

Until the very end I will be an example, Vrona's passion compels me to shine the brightest.

I know it may get me killed, so just in case..? I'm going to tuck a few notes in here, Evelyn knows where I keep this.

She'll find them.

  

I think I'm done for now, I need to start working on some projects I'm behind on.. and then get started on that ring.

It needs to be special."

   

    

Stuck between the back cover and the last page, a handful of small papers rested.
    
  

Evelyn: Above all else, you were my reason to stay strong. I love you, and I want to make sure you know that.

You hate showing the world how sensitive you really are, but I've seen it.

I told you a long time ago that what matters is what is in your heart, so keep me in yours.

I'll always be there to keep you going, and stay strong.

   

Mother: You were the only reason I believed in mercy at all.

I never said it but, for a long time I wished I was more like you. More than anyone else..

I hope no one ever gives you this note, but if they do? Don't cry too much, please..

It means Vrona called me onwards, and that I died doing what was right.

Be strong, and let your light continue to shine. Everyone needs it, I know I did.

  

Father: I always wanted to live up to the expectations I felt you had for me.

I remember that night in the Shrine all those years ago.. I'll never forget how scared I was, when you were captured.

I had never been in a fight before that, but I did everything in my power to claw past Lucian..

To try to claw my way through Asphodel to you myself. Though I hopped onto the airship with all of the veterans anyway.

Just to watch you free yourself, and was it ever a sight.. It was then I realized that no matter how angry I was, love was the greatest weapon humanity could wield.

Love, and a righteous cause.

   

Elys: You're supposed to be the better of the two of us, you know..? We stopped talking as much as we used to, my twin.

That's not an excuse to start messing up though. If you get this note, I need you to be there for Mother, she's going to need it.

We made plans you and I, and I've probably failed my part of them if you had to get this. You didn't need me for that anyway, just do me a final favor, please..?

Straighten yourself out, become the Stellus like you dreamed of, and shine brightly for us both.

   

Angelo: I bet you're surprised to get this, after recent events but.. I feel like you'll need it too.

I told you that you would have to earn your place back, after all that happened.. and I want you to do that.

We're going to be promoted together, and even if I die at some point, people will still need someone to look to.

Be unwavering. Be resolute. They will need you.

  

Auxis: I avenged your ship as best I could.. but you were always there for me. So I tried to be there for you too.

I'm honestly not sure if I'll ever become as strong as you are, so if you get this? I need you to use that strength to do whatever I failed to.

Make sure they're all safe, and know you were a brother to me.