Perosa

[Oyster.]

[Oyster.]

"And your homecoming queen is ... Perosa!"

. . .

How long has it been since then? Years.

All eyes were on me. All expectations directed to me. Whether because they thought the Pero club was funny, or because they actually liked me ...

All attention was on Perosa.

That was a long time ago.

When these same people look at me now, I notice the pity in their gazes. The way they subtly turn away. The gentle tone they take, as if talking to a woman on the cusp of retirement. Perosa's changed, they would whisper. She's not how she was anymore. She's not fun and energetic, so there's no point talking to her. Everybody that stays does it out of pity.

I understand it. Even I have trouble looking back. That girl from so long ago, I can barely see her anymore...

But I'm still here. I'm still alive. Don't turn your gazes away from me so early.

... I wonder if I'll ever be able to escape this reverie. Day in, day out, my thoughts turn back to the illuminated dance. The point where everything started to go downhill. The person who granted my last happiness, the kitsune that read out my name.

I don't want to see her face when I close my eyes anymore.

[Oyster.]

tick

tick

tick

There was a Nethradin that took my arm.

Rosaline was there. Rhesus. Others... faces, not names. They stayed with me. Helped me get a new, metal arm. That was years ago.

I lost that arm long ago.

so why do I still feel it there?



. . .

I hate the way so many people look at me with pity. Short, obligatory conversations. Asking if I'm alright, never daring to elaborate. Those that should've been around me were too busy with their own happiness. Smiles in class. Teenage crushes and dating. Exchanging secrets, bragging rights. Even those rivalries bordering on contempt... those, too, so worthy of the Academy experience...

My youth was stolen from me. How can I just sit and tolerate... everybody elses happiness? How am I supposed to get over what's happened? How can I possibly let go of these dead end feelings, this swirling doubt, this loathing, this jealousy, this all devouring bitterness?

Won't you tell me?

You, the man with the golden eyes?

[Oyster.]

All of you who pitied me in academy, all of you that turned away and pretended that I didn't exist...

You can't imagine how strong I've become.

The devil himself, outsmarted by me; a solitary brilliance that exists only inside me! Ah,

but i deny it

.

. .

. . .

Perhaps I can use it just a little. This power, radiating with true love.

Don't turn away from me!

These eyes of mine aren't the same as before.

They are shared by a man claiming divinity. I wonder, is that alright? If I bask in his glory, will enough of it beam into me to satisfy me? It's loathsome, looking at all the happiness, tribulation and tension that makes a human being unique.

Maybe... It should just all disappear?

A raging inferno, the flames of the dragon; earth and lava rent before me. Stolen mana. Still, no one is looking at me. Do they avert my eyes out of pity? Can't they see what I can achieve? Ah, but I still have to see everything...

I have to see Him, who lords across the entire world, object of my Love ...

And I had to see Asher Quinn die.

Ah, isn't there something to envy even there?

These eyes of mine aren't the same as before.

What are you so angry about? Ah, your brother is dead. Of course I feel remorse. These are eyes that were once kind, that are still kind, but tainted by powerlessness. Pitiful orbs that couldn't comprehend a sliver of divinity.

There's a certain level of peace to be found in such an existence, isn't there?

Between the two of them. . .

Pure love? Or teenage attachment that refuses to part?

Pure love . . .

Wonderful... Wonderful ... Wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful

[Oyster.]

Love is . . .

The common link between all peoples of the world. From Osrona to Achyon there exists not a person who hasn't heard the term, not a child who can't imagine the sensation regardless of the neglect of their parents. Even those in a life without love can know the fleeting moment, when their pathetic eyes look towards the first speck of kindness offered to them. Isn't that something beautiful? In a way, love is extended to everyone that ever was and ever shall be. That's not to say that everyone will feel the same sort of thing. Actually, quite the opposite. Love is a finite sensation, did you know? There's only so much that you can give until you dilute it to the point of worthlessness. Ask anybody born with a sibling; how did it change when the next baby showed up? The attention of the parents was split. Love divided. Though a lot of people would refuse to say it, the love that they show is prioritized. It's only natural, since we've proven love is finite, isn't it? There are those heroes that claim to love everyone, but their colors will show when it's somebody close to them. This is repeated in history time and again. This concept of 'prioritizing love', it's similar to tending to a garden. You make sure that your prizes roses are taken care of first, don't you? After that you can do the vines and the lillies, then the vegetables. It's not merely preference. The vegetables are hardy, they're used to waiting. In this way it's obvious, isn't it? There are people who are used to receiving limited love. Ah, isn't that sad? Actually, thinking about it, it's not that bad. If you've known little love your entire life, then when you finally break open the pinata and unveil somebody who's truly into you, isn't that the most amazing feeling? Ah, love is not just about quantity, but quality. Imagine the fleeting whim of some academy whore with her first crush. Her heart is pounding, pulse racing. Everything in her mind is screaming that this is it; this is pure love! It's a profound and genuine sensation, I won't deny. But isn't love like that the most worthless thing of all? How long can a relationship like that last? They'll break up over homework or cheating or just get bored. The love of a young teenager, it's something overwhelming yet brittle, it's ultimately worthless, isn't it? So when I evaluate love it's not just about how strong it is, it's about resilience as well. Since love is something that can be measured like this, then can we say that there is a peak to the sensation? If love is both finite and differing in strength and quality, then where can we find the most of it? Of course, my love is boundless, extending out towards every creature. Is that hypocritical- I'm sure you're wondering. No! Surely you've been reading. Though I love every creature, some only deserve grains of sand while others are given my whole hearted attention. One day I'll become a being that can love everybody equally, but that day is not today. Why do I want to do such a thing? It's simple. When I love everybody, then their love will reflect on me in turn. How can you not love someone that loves you so purely? All eyes will turn on me. If we think back to the roses, I would be the award winning flower standing out in the garden. Everything around me is illuminated by me, even if it's dead. It doesn't matter if all the other roses wilt and die. As long as rain and sun falls on me, the competition will be won. In this way all the love given to me won't be wasted. Conversely any love given to those roses around me doomed to wilt is completely wasted. It should make sense if you think about it for more than a second. All the love in the world should be mine to monopolize, but in exchange? I'll love every creature in return. This love of mine is a smothering mothers embrace. As long as I'm with you, there's nothing you need to fear. As long as my eyes are turned to you, then it doesn't matter if your heart is cold, or shriveled. Whether you're the purest saint or a wicked villain, my love can be shared equally between the entire world. That's my goal. I don't care if you've saved your city or if you've burned down your home village. As long as you can look at me and love me, then I can love you in return. Isn't that the sweetest thing that you can imagine? Ah, True Love.

[Oyster.]

Perosa, I love you!

Love is not made equal; some are worth more than others. The most valuable tier of love, that which belongs to the most important person in the world...

In that instant, it was mine. His attention. His affection. His approval. The smile that I saw on his face; could any of his family say they'd ever seen the jaded former Don so pleased?

I had earned the most powerful love.








so,

 why has nothing changed?

was I wrong? is there something else to look for? why do i not feel satisfied? in my heart, i already know the answer; this book of sins has revealed it to me. that envy ... is it not something so easily blocked out? perhaps, Ryker is not {that person} after all. that mystical figure that can take away all of my suffering and make me feel complete.

that's what i always believed.

but now that i've read this book...

ryker told me to destroy people that came in the way of my happiness.

ahh . . . maybe i should just destroy everything.

then there will be nothing to be afraid of anymore