A Doctor's Sworn Blade

[Esmeraude]

To speak about the past, would mean I am not looking to the future.
But to remember what went wrong is important to not repeat.
And as this goes for all of Esshar, I find this meaning in myself too.
 

---

 

 

 So many Teraphim come without questions, so many of them come without truly understanding what our goal truly is.
To follow something blindly even if it brought you into this world, do you think our Mother wanted us to be nothing?
We are made with a purpose, but that purpose grows and becomes more. That's from our work and our dedication.
Mother wants us to question what we are, and to question what our goal truly is in life. She wants that... Do you?
  
Yes, I want to be something much more than a follower. And I want to understand what it is I protect, not swing blindly.
To ask another Teraphim or one with little experience what balance truly is? Their answer will be clouded, unrefined.
But after questioning my existence, and dealing with the taunting of others for so long... I found my own answer.
That is what our mother wants from us all, to find our own answers as to what we are protecting.
  
As it was rigged from the start, balance will never exist.
And to be told otherwise is from a blind follower.
Someone who will never find themselves.
One to disappoint our Mother.
 
And it is only when you find yourself that your true growth begins.

  
 

 

This whole time I was fighting myself, and there can only be one winner.

And once we realize that, everything else can become our target.

   

  

But what do we do, beyond the question of ourselves?

When you still struggle to understand others?

And all you do, is cause harm?

 

 

Questions of our emotion, and how to mend the hearts of others.

Are ones a Doctor cannot answer, and Aschea cannot either.

And I find myself still searching for that answer now.

  

 

What is expected of me?

I'm sorry I couldn't do more.

But I will put my life on the line for it all.

And one day, those broken hearts can be fixed again.

 

...Before I break another...

Thoughts of a Young Doctor.

[Esmeraude]

I don't think I am ready.
And I don't know if I ever will be.
How does a doctor fall into this position?

---

  

  
War... It feels like every day I trained for such, meant nothing in the end.
Every blessing I took, each word's of trust in my strength that was thrown at me.
How can a blade cut for all, when it can't even cut for the wielder itself?
  
What happened to me? It felt so fast, I couldn't even think.
No time to develop in combat, this terrain wasn't something I was used to.
Made to look a fool, the only small window of opportunity I didn't use to its full potential.
   
Look at me, laying on the ground.
Soaked in my own demise, my own defeat.
Wounds a doctor can't heal, open up inside me.
And I still don't understand them, even as I gaze up.
    
She's looking down at me, laughing at how I fell.
Something inside me can't help but feel sorry.
    
...Sorry for myself...
   
This feels like the end for me, as I could never become what they wanted me to be.
I couldn't fulfill our dreams even after you died, or bring closure to the broken hearts left behind.
Never would I be able to call myself a healer, as I have only been naive this whole time.
  
I've been seeing spirits... And my eyes ache.
  
But they let me live.

  

What's more painful than death?

Feeling undeserving of life in a single moment.

Dragged away from what could've been your grave.

And traded for another prisoner, a life for a life...

   

But why me?

It could have been any of them.

So many of us were captured, and I watched.

   

I watched them all as I was taken away.

The pain they felt, and fear in their hearts.  

Luck was the only thing that kept me alive this day.

But I should have been by their sides in their final moments.

    

To live feels painful now, as I can't even look them in the eyes.

Given back to my home, and welcomed with so much love.

It made me think about what others had lost today.

    

I don't have time to feel sorry for myself anymore.

The only thing I can do for them now is to live for us all.

And this time I swear, I swear my blade will cut them down.

For every single one of you, that I watched get taken away from me.

    

                                                                                                                                       Eurydice...

                                                                                                                                                Cassius...

                                 ...Tea

                                                      ...Renly

    

People of Myllenoris and Nysea.

So many wounds that a doctor can't heal.

Please give me time, and I will learn how to mend you.

   

Aschea, guide my heart.

And guide theirs too.

  

It still hurts...

...How do I mend myself?

 
Thoughts of a Young Doctor.