dance with me at dawn.

[Connor]

"They called me a Witch.
Burned me like saffron, my matter is golden -
A child of the oldest.
My touch is righteous, like virus my Midas
I'm golden."

Entry One: i wonder what he thinks of me.

"He doesn't love you."

They tell me my destiny was ordained at birth. Like a decree etched in time, blood declared that upon my eighteenth year I would forfeit my life and freedom. When I look at you, I see a King. I see armour that looks as if it belongs. I see a humble blade that has participated in a thousand impossibilities. I see the starlight that oozes from you, a nebula of colour identical to those brilliant pearls of the nighttime, sat cushioned upon pure black velvet. A Child of the Constellation Leonaus, bound to no singular Star. I see a man who has given everything to protect the last remnants of his home. I see a man who has done all he can to ease the burden that will in time befall me; your burden. Your failures. Your shortcomings. Your victories. defeats. Your enemies. Your allies. I see my father, who has forced upon me unfair expectations that were once forced upon him. And I want 

I wish I was like Carlisle. I wish I could rise fearlessly to any challenge. I wish I could venture beyond the walls without worry of what fate might befall me. Without worry that each venture might be my last. Without worry that I risk dooming our people every time my heart begs me to be free. I wish I had her strength. She could move mountains if she wanted to, I bet. She could summon a blizzard that would freeze the entirety of Esshar. She could coat the whole place in ice; freeze the seas mid-wave, and see them curling upwards into the brilliant rays of morning, still rippled from the wind. A nightmare frozen in time. I wish I had her beauty, sharp and unrefined, but in the best, most desirable way. She looks just like mother, and it hurts to look at. It hurts to remember her. 

Is that why you love her more? Because she reminds you of mother?

Do you think I'd disappoint her? I can't move mountains like Carlisle. I can't venture fearlessly into the wilds and embrace any threat. I can't sway unbending spirits like Redwood and Jianyu with my words. I don't look like you, much, though some people say I have your eyes. I wish you could be here now. I wish you could teach us about all the little things dad won't. You'd like Avlainn. I think you'd approve of him. 

I hope I'm a Queen like you were before you fell. Fearless and unyielding, and unbound by expectation. Powerful and bold, without need for a King to lift you. Even if you were bad wrong horrible evil, I think I'd be lucky to be half the Queen you were. At times, I forget who I am. I forget I can't act as Yuri and Avlainn do. I forget I can't just fight as the Radiants I do. I am destined for some greater purpose, apparently, even if I resent it. Even if I hate it. Even if I want to stomp the Crown into the dirt and fly as freely as you did. Queen of Farms and Shacks. Queen of 'Nysea'. Queen of Fathers Mistakes. So many people hate me because of him. Because of grandmother. Because of the name I bear. Did they hate you like that too? I hope I can convince them I'm better. I'm sorry that I'm weak. I'm sorry that I'm not enough. I'll try to do better for you both.

- The entry is dated and signed. There's an assembly of drawings at the bottom, shared with one too many eyes at some point or another. A sketching of Roland, of Yuri, of her Father, of Shira, of Carlisle and of Avlainn, little pristine figures dwarfed to fit the page. The book remains tucked away within the confines of a lonely cavern, its entrance hidden beyond swathes of vines and overgrowth.