love me at the ungodly hour.

[Mali]

"You know that I've heard it all before
You're hesitant, wish you could give me more
I know you like to play those silly games
When you're done, call my name."

Entry One: i wonder what she thinks of me.

"I'm afraid."

Ever since you left, I've had stars in my eyes. The kind that comes when the sun starts to set over the plantations and the sky becomes filled with pink and yellow. The kind that comes when all of the colors vanish and the ones that remain are the things that remind me of you the most. -I remember, you once told me that the night is a beautiful woman...Her face as spotless as the moon, her hair stretching as long as the sky and all those stars are crystals and jewelry to make her that much more wanted. I knew you weren't speaking about me then. But there was something that made me want to believe that I could become just as beautiful...That when people would look at me, they would look at me the way that they look at Aeliana. That they would smile and promise to protect me- not because of their duty, but because they like me. But perhaps, I was my own destruction-...I couldn't handle it when people said that others would do terrible things to me. I couldn't handle it when I would look at her and see how people would pledge. and honestly, I, admittedly, was jealous. Because I wanted something that I felt as if I could never have. All I wanted- all I want is to be loved.

I got lost in the feeling of being alone. I never fit in. I never thought to make friends with the people around because I'd hear the same thing over and over again and it hurts. Everything hurts to be confronted with the truth, but it doesn't matter. And when Aeliana and I fought for the first time, I said some things to her that I never wanted to say because as much as I hate my sister....I love her. It might be hard to believe but no matter how much I try to say that I'd like for her to go away for ever...After you left, she and father are the only things that I have left. My only family. The only thing that makes me feel remotely....human.

Do I disappoint you, mother? Is it because I'm soft- If you were here and you seen the way that father would look at me when I tell him that I'm leaving, you would understand. It might not look like it, but I know that when he frowns...He's dying on the inside. He tries to hide his emotions from everyone but I know how papa feels and I know...I know that it was like you leaving him all over again when I told him that I hated him. And the worst part about it all...Was that he called me you. I don't think I could ever be like you, but...Even then, I do think that you still loved him. How couldn't you when he's the most innocent thing here...How could you be when he tries so hard to do right, only for others to hate him? It almost feels as if he's helpless...And I think that's what makes me hurt the most. If he were just a bit more angry...A bit more terrible to me...A bit more of everything, I could leave him be- I could leave forever and not turn back but....Every time I come back, he always has this little smile. I hate it, but...It's still there- so much so, that I think that I've nearly cried every time he'd look at me.

I love papa...

It's getting hard to wear all of these masks. At times, I think that I'm starting to forget who I am....At times, I think that I'm starting to forget which part of me is real and which part of me is fake, but even then, I still-...I still want to do what you taught me. I'm sorry that I'm so weak...I'm sorry that I'm not enough. Please-...Please, forgive me mother.

-The entry is closed...At the bottom of the page, there seems to be a drawing of a family of three. A father, his two daughters. They all hold hands, surrounded by pretty little roses, each one symbolizing something different. For now, this book remains under lock and key, hidden beneath her bed...Enchanted, so only those who know the secret phrase could unlock it.

[Mali]

A woman's work.

A woman's prerogative.

A woman's time to embrace,

She must put herself first.

Entry Two: i'll do you dirty.

"I am afraid."

-Afraid of everything that looms within the dark. Afraid of the eyes that follow me- afraid of the hands that reach for me, afraid of the whispers that speak upon my neck when one might believe that I'm not noticing. It feels like ice upon my body. It smells like the iron in the air before lightning strikes. It's as cool as the first drops of rain that pitter-patters atop of my head- menacing and earthly, it carries a tune with it- a gentle hum that can not ever be mistaken. Perhaps, others might not notice it- but I can see it within the corner of my vision- stalking me when I'm having another conversation, laughing at me when I'm angry or stressed and upset at something that should mean little to a princess Queen like me. As much as you might think that I'm pretentious, you aren't wrong. The truth of the matter is that I have a right to be. I am the Daughter of Alexander ras Petrakis and Nebula Winterbourne and I am beautiful. I know so, because father says so. I know so, because the angels look upon my countenance and breath.

And I won't let him take that beauty away from me. I am like no other being within this realm- I am like no girl, no boy, no woman, nor man, nor creature, nor deity. My spirit is as illustrious as they come- I am bright, I am brighter than what one could ever imagine and I refuse to be sullied by the hands of someone who believes that they can take everything from me. I am immaculate. . . .And I will fight to prove that my birth right will forever stand tall with me. But that doesn't mean that this won't happen, because I know- because I know that...

He's coming and I'm afraid.

I prepare myself for the storm each night- and between the tumultuous thunder and the swollen clouds that loom above ahead, I can never tell when it's going to happen, but I know that it's coming. There is no presence of rain, instead, it is much harsher than what one would have imagined-...A biting cold that nips on my fingertips and toes, it makes me tremble when I ready the jewels and diamonds on my bodice, but I am remain steady and unwavering-...Because I do not plan on merely being swept up within the mass unwillingly, instead, I plan on allowing myself to be consumed. By the ice and the thunder and the lightning and the winds that threaten to sweep me up. and swallow me whole. If I am to die, then I am to die beautifully. If I am to be sacrificed, then I will be sacrificed in opulence and wealth, drowning in diamonds and pearls. I repeat this mantra so that I will not be broken- that I am beautiful, that I am untouchable, not because I say so, but because Papa says so.

To others, the night time is silent- but to me, I hear the calling of the storm- the caress of winds on my arms and legs, promising to whisk me away with a false sense of security. But I know better than that-...When he calls, I will not go to him. He will come. He will come to me. And when he does, I will die a thousand times over, but I will do so while knowing my worth. And so, I prepare. I act like mother when she's thinking, stressed- the wine glass swirling in my hand, jewels dancing between my index and thumb like knives, while presenting myself to be a delicacy- a gift. When he comes, I will be afraid. I will not struggle. I will die, and die beautifully. And I will be better....Even if I am broken, I will always be better.

"I am Carlisle ras Petrakis, and I will allow no man, no woman, no spirit, angel, demon, devil, primordial or anything to break me. I might be afraid, but I will not be weak. I am beautiful. I am untouchable, not because I say so, but because Father tells me."

So, when he comes to me on this night, I will ruin him. I will make him bleed. I will kill him. That much, is certain.

[Mali]

Won't you love me?

Won't you hold me?

Won't you hug me?

Won't you love me at the ungodly hour..

Entry Three: a beautiful song

"I've had many dreams lately."

Of the same moment that we had one night upon the bench. Of the same moment, when I you had forewarned me- when you told me that it would more than likely be your last time seeing me. I denied it, being the naive, little girl that I am, but we both knew the truth. Somewhere, deep within both of our hearts, I knew that when you told me that you loved me for the last time...I just knew that it would be for the last time. There are a lot of things that I regret within this world-...A lot of things that I wish that I can take back- and the worst thing that I have ever felt that I've said is how much I hated you. In reality...Father, you're the best thing that has happened to me. You're my everything. You were the light that was guiding me through this darkness. The hope that even if I am to be defiled...That in some way, in some strange way, that I could be forgiven for all things that have happened. But no matter how much I might try to forget-...I feel it upon my heart. There's a few things that I wanted to say but couldn't, because I knew that we'd argue. I knew that we'd fight. But these questions remain so dear to me..

"Why did you have to be so selfish?"

"Why couldn't you stay home and not fight...Why did you have to lay everything down?"

"Why did you have to leave?"

"Why did you leave me and Aeliana when we needed you the most?"

"Why couldn't you get up? Why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I just fucking move?"

Every time I close my eyes, I think about those last moments before the end. I think of how my breath stopped...Of how my world fell on itself, but these terrible moments are nothing in comparison to the times that I've had with you. And I think that is why it hurts the most. Why couldn't you have hated me father? Why couldn't you have turned me away and said that I wasn't yours? Why does it hurt so much being without you? I can't stop thinking....Our best parts rewinding over and over again in my mind and all I hear is the same thing of how much you've loved me. But when it was my turn to prove it- when it was my turn to stop him...I couldn't show you how much I loved  you. Papa...I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop feeling like I'm alone....And the worst part of it is that Aeliana will also be going to war. Father...My head hurts, my heart hurts, my soul aches....And I'm afraid to say this, but I don't want to be this way. My world feels cold without you and the whispers tell me the same thing over and over again.

"If I can't be happy...Why should anyone else be?"

I've never been a giver. . .But I know what it is like to take. And right now, I feel as if taking is the only thing that is left for me. It's the only thing that helps me forget...Forget that you are not here. And so-...If I am to be alone, if I am to suffer...If I am to feel hurt for not having you, then everyone else will feel that too. Everyone else will hurt until I feel better. I need no rhyme, nor reason. I need...I need....To not feel empty.

I've a mirror. Each time I look in it, I see my worst fear a thousand times over.
One would think that it replays the same thing, but...Over time, it changes.
It changes until you see something different, it changes until you see....
yourself.