[TopRa]

Chapter 1:
The World's My Oyster

"Thinking back, I certainly was a very odd girl, wasn't I?  Afraid of the world and everything it had to offer. The slightest little thing would tick me off. Whether it was someone calling my name or even offering me something. I...would just cower behind the nearest tree and stay away from them. I've changed a lot since then, haven't I? It's almost like I'm an entirely different person now. Looking back, i wonder why i was so scared. Reading my journal all these years later. i wonder what type of person i would have become if I hadn't stepped out of those doors and out into the world. I did learn a lot through my time in Osrona. I made a lot of new friends, met a lot of new faces. It was...fun. To be honest, if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't have grown into the woman i am today. It's thanks to Esbern that i learned how to break out of my shell and become that woman, after all. So....thanks, my love. I'll be sure to return the favor by protecting you. "

X/X/1733 AC

Mother finally pushed me to step outside today. How troublesome. I don't have time to mingle with these commoners. My studies are far more important than anything else! I ran into this young man today....his name was...Rang. Or something along those lines. Causing a ruckus and disrupting the beauty of the park by chopping down all the trees in his vicinity. Though...he was quite scary. I might have been a little rude to him now that i think about it. He did agree to help me in my studies after all. I also met a quite interesting Felinae named Yami. It...was actually quite nice. I'm so embarrassed i couldn't talk to them more....this was the first time i've ever done such things. Commoners sure are chatty...i admit. Anyway, i need to get back to my studies. Perhaps this entry is enough for today

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It seems more people are interested in the stars than i have imagined. Perhaps i can learn quite a bit from such people if i mingle with them. I need to establish a connection to Sae, after all. A-and...i guess it would be best if i learned how to understand people. As much as i loathe talking to others. My, my. It's just so darn troublesome. I wish i was able to be a little more chatty but...i can't help but be so nervous. I don't understand why mother insisted on making me step through those doors. I was doing just fine by myself in my room! My studies are far more important after all...

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Well, i...think i made a new friend. His name is...Esbern! Esbern Antioch. He was very kind to make me a new weapon! It's quite a beautiful sword if i do say so myself. I'll cherish it forever! This blade will greatly help me with my studies and my training. Today was also quite...interesting. Esbern showed me around his soup kitchen, so i decided to help out and make some batches for soup for him. It was...rather quite fun. It makes me glad that i am able to help in Osrona in some way. The homelessness problem has certainly been growing ever since the war. I hope that my efforts are enough to at least be able to feed some of the unfortunate souls that reside here.
Between you and me, journal...that Esbern fellow is...kinda...cute? Oh...i shouldn't be divulging such things. I don't want Eric to find and read this again...

X/X/1733 AC

How troublesome! Out of all the things that could have happened to me, i just needed to be dragged off to that bandit town! Rang certainly is a troublesome boy. Why did he have to do that? Well, i...guess it wasn't all bad. I....did feel like i learned alot. I've never been so far outside of Osrona before. The people i met in Illburg were...interesting, to say the least. They weren't at all like the criminals that i've heard the Knights talk about. But...the Knights would never lie, right? They're heroes after all! Or...at least i think. Illburg certainly doesn't seem to like or want anything to do with them. Which would make sense...they are criminals after all. But....part of me thinks that that that isn't the case. I wasn't killed or anything, and they did seem to be passionate about their words. But to say that the Knights oppress others, that they turn a blind eye to the injustices of the world for their own glory. No! I refuse to believe such rumors! They can't possibly be true. Right?

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Today i sparred with Eric and had a few training drills. It was...quite fun. To be honest, i worry about my future. I mean, my parents and family put so many expectations upon me. They want me to be a Knight, they want me to be able to carry their torch of their legacy along with Inante and Eric. I...just don't know if i can do it. I'm still so nervous and so meek around others. Not to mention i haven't even bonded with Sae yet! I...just don't know what i'm missing. What can i possibly do? Well...at the very least Eric was there to cheer me up. I love my brothers quite dearly. I....don't know what i'd do without them. They seem to be the only ones that believe in me. after all...

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I met quite a nice girl today! Her name was Cetta. And she made me realize something that i would have never found on my lonesome! She made me realize....my choices are my own! I don't need to be held down by the expectations of my family. I can be my own person! Perhaps that was why Sae hadn't bonded with me yet. I simply do not have the strength yet for her to acknowledge me. I relied too much on her to guide me instead of using my own strength! I...need to use my failures to propel me to success. Just like she said! I need to find my own path...one that brings me joy and happiness.

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Rang put me through some very strenuous training today. Though...for the first time in forever. I think i was finally able to feel and sense Sae's presence. The fool made me yell up at the sky so that i can call Sae and ask her for her power. And while i'm sure my passion was heard throughout the entire church, i'm not sure i made much progress. Though, i admit....i am more than glad that i was able to feel her presence. Oh! Today was also wonderful in the fact that i got a beautiful gift from Esbern! A star-shaped locket. We also went fishing today! Though silly me, i....fell asleep on him and he carried me back home. Oh, i feel so embarrassed.  I really need to stop falling asleep at random times. He said something to me before I passed out, though...i don't quite remember what it was. Fishing trip was very fun though! I hope i'll be able to do it again. He...truly is a wonderful person. If it wasn't for him, i probably wouldn't have been able to break out of my shell and talk to others. Though...i wonder...wh-what's this sensation that i feel? It's...quite odd. Well, no matter. Esbern makes me feel like....myself. That i matter. Not even my brothers really do that. It's hard to explain, but...i think i'll keep being his friend and doing my best for h-. Oh no! I forgot i was cooking dinner today! I have to go!

X/X/1734 AC

Today was the day....I...i finally did it! I bonded with Sae! Oh...i'm so happy! Priest Del helped me find my courage and resolve and...she helped me bond with her! I'm so happy! Even now, i feel Sae running through my veins as i write! Oh...that sounds wierd. Anyway, praying to Sae and talking to her as a friend certainly made me feel her presence. I need to hone and train the power she has so gracefully given me. I'm...just glad my hard work has paid off. Thank you, Sae. I hope me and you become the best of partners. The best of....friends. I...think i realize what i want to do now. I...want to use her power to protect others. It was because of her that i was able to finally understand the world and myself. And...i want to repay the favor. Being such a privileged girl, i want to be able to protect those less fortunate than i am. And with Sae's power, i fully intend to do so. First step however! Is to become a Cadet! I should be ready soon now that my training is picking up. I....hope that i can become a light in this world. I know that it's awful out there. So I hope i can change the world in some way, shape, or form. Even if it's just a little bit...

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Chapter 2:

The Flames of War

"If i knew things would have been this horrible. I would have never decided to draft into the Order as Cadet. Let alone a Knight. Heh...i used to be so naive. I...honestly feel so terrible for having to put myself through such things. I knew the world was a terrible place going into this whole ordeal. But...i didn't know how bad things -truly- were. War, Death, Destruction, Bloodshed. I...pretty much saw it all. And for what reason did i suffer through all this? Well, i simply wanted to protect all that i could. I still do. If it meant having shield others from the horrors that i've seen, i'd gladly go through a hundred of these battles. No one deserves to see these things. No one deserves to -die- for such petty ideals. Until the day i fall, i plan on never forgetting what i believe in. I will never forget the reason why i still fight to this very day. To protect those that i hold dear. To protect the innocents who can't fight for themselves and do what i can to spread Sae's guidance. With Sae by my side, i'll never falter, no matter what. Even if i can't change the world permanently, i'll do all i can to make sure that Esshar becomes a place full of peace. For if i fight for anything, it's that.

Peace."

X/X/1735 AC

By Kraus, i finally did it! I...became a Cadet! It...was surprisingly simple. I guess Sir Siegfried was simply impressed by the devotion i had to protect others. So...he gave me the title right then and there. All i wanted was to have a simple conversation with him. I'm glad that i was able to reach someone so important! Someone so cool! I-i...i admit, as weary as i am about the Knights given the rumors. Sir Siegfried was really kind. Along with all of his comrades. Lady Isla and Marie were such kind people. Are the rumors of the Knights really true? If anything, i very much look forward to working with them and becoming the best Cadet that i can! I can't let them down now. So...i will make sure to work hard and make them proud!

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....I...don't have alot of words for what happened today. Esbern. He confessed his love to me. I....can't begin to describe just how happy  i am! I'm on the verge of tears even as i write now. I just can't believe he would love a girl such as myself. I always thought that he was cute sure, and yes, i did have a crush on him. But for him to admit he shared the same feelings! Oh! It's just like my romance novels! But...will everyone approve? I'm a noble. What if...i am exiled because of such things? I don't know if i'm ready. I really, really don't. I've never loved someone before in my life. Was...that fluttering feeling in my stomach what i felt this whole time? Love? Well...it doesn't matter! I'm going to be the best girlfriend ever! I-i hope, at least. Even if people don't approve, i will love him dearly forever. He...gave me my first kiss today, as well. I guess that what love truly is hm? Do i even deserve someone such as him? I...will try my best for him. No matter what, i will always stay by his side

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I have to admit. Being a Cadet is...not what i thought it was going to be. The Knights simply boss me around and tell me to do menial tasks such as paperwork of patrolling the park. Of course, it's not Lady Isla or Marie or Siegfried that ask me do such things. But...still, it's annoying that i haven't even been given a proper mission yet. Patrolling the park all day really does make my legs hurt....and...it's not like i can do anything anyway! It's...just so boring! Well, no matter. Patience is a virtue, as they say. Other than that, i saw someone blow their jaw off today with a gun and revert time to put it back tog....together. Sorry, i almost puked again. I'm not going to talk about that anymore. Oh! I also talked to Lord Regulus today. I'm surprised i don't remember him, especially considering me and his siblings are his vassals. Well, i guess i didn't tend to talk to people much back then. So, it's not a surprise that i don't remember his visits. But...he was quite a joy to talk too. I hope i can be able to speak to him again sometime soon

X/X/1736 AC

So...something...odd, happened today. Um...while training with Esbern, i might have strained myself a little too hard and....warped around the battlefield like a madwoman. Nothing like that has ever happened before. I've been training alot using Sae's power, but this was something completely new to me. Perhaps i can discover how to control it? It's...quite odd if i'm being honest. Even now, my arms hurt and i ---------

And...i just warped. Yeah, i need to rest. Though, i don't know how easy that will be with Eric playing with his...*ahem...sand all night. I should ask him to stop

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Sand room has a giant crab in it. Yeah, i'm never going in there again.

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I was finally able to Inante again today! Oh, man...he's so skinny! I hope he's eating alright. Anyway, me and Inante caught up and talked about a few things with Eric. It...was a nice little reunion. I very do much love my family, so i hope i'm able to do something like this again soon. Inante did give me insight about my uh...warping mishap today though. According to him, i was tapping into a form of Cosmic magic dubbed "Light". Quite interesting! I hope i can be able to tap into it soon with Inante's help. Oh! I need to get ready for Uri's wedding! To think that me of all people would be invited. This makeup is going to be pain to do....i should find my dress as well!

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Uri and Vivian had such a beautiful wedding. It...makes me wonder. Am i going to marry Esbern one of these days? It's so odd that they would have a wedding in the middle of a brewing war. But..i guess love overcomes even the horrors of that, hm? Here's hoping that me and Esbern's love surpasses even that. Speaking of which...a war seems to be brewing. A battle between Osrona and Theria. I...w-was one of the unlucky Cadets to be drafted into the siege. While i do think i'm ready combat wise...i...admit. I'm scared. I'm really scared of what's going to happen. My heart's beating just thinking about it. I-i mean...i could die! An....i need to start resting. Just thinking about all this is starting to freak me out. I'll be okay, i think. I just need to stick to my training. Remember what i'm fighting for. I...need to protect my city. I need to make sure that this bloodshed doesnt happen ever again.

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I can't even begin to describe what i saw today. By the gods. Everything hurts. My mind....my body....i...can't get any of this out of my brain. I'm sitting in Esberns guild right now. I'm about to cry even as i write. What do i do!? I...can't understand why this all had to happen!? Perhaps writing about it will help calm me down. Today was the siege. At midnight, i marched along with my comrades toward Theria. Every fleeting minute made my heart drop even more. Before i knew it, we were on a battlefield. In front of me and my comrades was Theria's army. A....frightening monster of  a beast commanding them. A large dragon. Before i knew it, we were charging into the fray and....everything was a blur. The explosions piercing my ears as i ran alongside my comrades.  The dragon burning down hordes of men like they were ants. One was shot through the heart by an arrow right in front of me. I...couldn't do anything but cower. I ran and ran and ran. Tripping over bodies as blood and dirt spilled onto my face. Everything was...so loud. I couldn't hear anything but screams. Is...this how terrible things truly are? I ended up in the sights of a Drakanite. I didn't even get her name. In an instant, i remember fighting for my life as i fought her to death. This was the first time i've ever been in a fight such as this. The adrenaline rushing through my body and my sheer will to live was enough to beat her. I...w-was about to deal the final blow before she fled my grasp. Thank Kraus she did. I don't have the heart to kill such a young girl like her. Let alone anyone. I must thank Sae for guiding me through this perilous time. I...don't want to go through that ever again. After beating that girl, i fled and cowered as the battle was nearing it's end. It couldn't have been more than an hour as i waddled back to my comrades. The last thing i saw being the dragon getting it's head cut off. But...as cool as it was to see the Knights being heroes. I didn't care.

That village. I can't even begin to imagine how terrible it must have been for those innocents who died. Flames. There were so many flames. It almost blinded me as i looked backward toward that village. To think of the burned corpses of the men, women, and children that littered the ground. So many innocents died today. And...for what?  It was a beacon of despair that lit up toward the skies. As if the devil himself was taunting us. Even though we won the battle, i realized....no one truly won. There was no victory. Only death, destruction, and despair. I....don't know what to do now. I need to rest...

X/X/1736 AC

I'm writing this the next morning after the battle. I am utterly exhausted. But....in my time of despair. A light of hope would shine through to cheer me up. To make me realize that no matter how much strife and despair were in this world, there were always lights of hope that could shine through. Esbern showed me that last night. I guess he just wanted to cheer me up after seeing how much distress i was in. I....know what i am fighting for, now.  I know my purpose. My purpose is to rise up from the ashes of this darkness. I'm putting a stop to all this nonsense and making the world a better place in my own way. I don't want to just protect Esbern and my family...but...everyone. I must protect and shield them from ever seeing or going through such things ever again. I've made my choice. I am becoming a Knight. Not for Osrona. Not for the Order. But a Knight that fights for her own ideals and no one elses. I'm going to spread Sae's understanding and guidance throughout the entire world. I don't care about these petty squabbles anymore. I'm fighting for what i believe is right. So that no one has to suffer again.

I don't care if all of this is impossible. I'm not going to stand here and allow this bloodshed to continue. I...will put a stop to it. I'm not fighting for my family's approval or to become a soldier in these damn wars. But...for my own ideals. I...hope that i can become a guardian. One that protects the weak under of the Light of Sae. And by Kraus, i will work as hard as i can to become that. For i will become Sae's sword and shield.

It's thanks to Esbern that i've realized my resolve. And...i will make sure to never forget it. I'd be a terrible wife to him if i did, after all.

Speaking of which, Esbern proposed to me today. Who was i to refuse? Esbern is....perfect. I'll make sure to never leave his side for as long as i live. Until death do us part

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I've been hearing odd rumors as of late about an evil being combing the outskirts of Osrona. They...called it a Wraith? I'm not sure if such things are true or not. But i'll be making sure to be cautious when i venture outside. Anyway, today was quite interesting. Inante taught me how to control my Light mana and become a better fighter. It seems he's quite proficient when it comes to such things! I admit I'm still a novice when it comes to controlling it, but with enough practice. I'm sure i'll be able to perfect this technique. Inante was definitely quite helpful in helping me tap into this power. So...perhaps things will be alright. Oh! What was that!? I...have to go. I just heard screaming coming from the castle! Somethings...definitely wrong. Oh..i hope everyone's okay...

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I can finally see now. In....more ways than one. I...feel like a different person. Everything that has happened these past few weeks they... they's changed me. I don't know if that's a good thing. A few weeks ago...i...got my eyes slashed by the Wraith. After heading off to investigate the screaming, i was met by this ungodly monster. I....was able to break through his defenses and fight him. It didn't end well for me....and i was slashed right between my eyes. Causing me permanent, unreversible damage. Even with the surgery, my eyes are as good as nothing. I'm barely able to see just a few feet in front of me face. And...my eyes are now stained red. Is this what i get for wanting to protect others? Is this my punishment for fighting? Is...it truly impossible for me to fight evil with my current strength? I....just want to protect others. Is...it impossible?

No, i can't think of such things. I need to stick to my resolve and keep fighting. I'm a Salis, after all. I can't just stay here and do nothing. I need to try harder. Even with my vision hindering me, i don't plan on failing anytime soon.

X/X/1737 AC

Esbern has been captured by Myllenoris. Talks of more war are stirring amongst the public. By the gods, it hasn't even been that long since the last conflict. And now Osrona is being thrust into the another one? Not to mention that Esbern is gone! I....i need to rescue him. I need to find him. I almost went on a suicide mission off to Myllenoris today to save him but....the King stopped me. He's right, i can't just mindlessly run into things like that. I'll cause more trouble and chaos if i am caught. Poor King Alexander must have alot on his hands. I...just hope that this doesn't blow over into another battle. But from the looks of things. I'm not getting my hopes up

X/X/1737 AC

The King has agreed to allow me to investigate into Esbern's capture. After talking with him about my findings, he agreed to allow me to send a letter to Lord Regulus. His supposed captor. But knowing how much things are tensing up as of late...i don't have much time to do so. I highly doubt i'll be able to contact him with the time i have left. I...don't even know if i'm going to participate in the next battle. I...can't support this needless bloodshed and chaos. But...i can't just stand here and do nothing while my comrades are out fighting to protect their city. So...i'll do the same. Even if i know my efforts wont stop the war, i'm still going to fight for what i believe in. I'm going to protect my city and my comrades. . Sparring with Uri today, I've realized that i need to fight for what i believe in. He showed me that power is obtainable. I just need to harness my passion into that strength. I must rescue Esbern. With Sae at my side. I wont lose....No matter what

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Tomorrow's the day. As i write this, my squad and I are marching off toward Starlight Tower. I...must admit I'm scared. Even now, I still have nightmares of what i saw in the previous battle. To think i'm as foolish to participate in another one...hmph. Well, i need to do this. I...need to save Esbern. I have to become a light of hope for everyone. Princess Marie taught me an important lesson yesterday. I...need to make sure to fight for the peace as long as i can. I know that i cannot stop war no matter how hard i try, but by Kraus, i will do my best to keep the peace for as long as i can. I...will fight to end this war as quickly as possible. And...i must save Esbie. This is my one and only chance to win and prove myself to everyone else! I will not falter...for this is my future!

[TopRa]

Chapter 3:
War Never Changes

"Haha. I can't believe i was such an idiot to get myself into such a situation. I mean, for the record...i was traumatized by what happened during that battle. It was even worst than the last one. There i was getting all excited about fighting to stop this war....only for me to become another number on the battlefield.. I was just another soldier. No one cared about me. My own squad left me to die during the battle of Starlight Tower. I...didn't even know what happened to my comrades. It's a surprise that i actually lived. Whether it be Sae's grace or just dumb luck, the experience was painful, to say the least. To think that i would stumble into Myllenoris, enemy territory, during my exhausted stupor is...well, almost laughable. But i did learn one thing during my stay in Myllenoris. Things...aren't always as they seem. You see, war tends to cloud things. Both sides forming their own lies and calling them truths so that they could justify their own reasons for fighting. If...there's one thing i learned while trying to find the truth, neither side is right. War is war. No matter how many times you try to justify it. And...sometimes you have to get your hands dirty to find the truth. So...i did just that. Sadly....the truth always ends up becoming stranger than fiction. There's no such thing as war being a noble and necessary venture in order to keep the peace. It...will never change. No matter how many times it may occur. War is....inevitable

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Myllenoris. The...city hidden within the forest. That's...where i am right now. To think i'd be so foolish to walk into enemy territory. I...guess i might have to explain what happened. The Battle of Starlight Tower happened yesterday. I was assigned to a squad of soldiers led by one of the Knights of Osrona. Everything's a blur, if i'm being honest. It pains me to even think about what happened again. But....i need to write this down. War is truly an evil, evil thing. Alot happened in the past few days, it seemed. My squad left me to die as i was hit by a stray mana blast directly to the forehead. Giving me a concussion and knocking me out as the rest of the war raged on. I'm surprised i'm still alive, if i'm being honest. Hundreds of men probably passed over my body thinking i was dead. Hours passed before i had woken up to discover that...i was alive after all. That the battle was nearing it's conclusion. Given how terrible my vision is...i just...walked. I walked and walked and walked until i found myself near a pile of bodies. Almost...stepping on a soldier. I looked down at him...seeing how bloodshot and cold his lifeless eyes were. It's an image that...i'll never get out of my head. I closed his eyes for him. He...was so young. Barely a bit older than myself. Someone's son had died that day for...almost nothing. I..took his coat and cloaked myself to shield myself from the cold. I'm...sorry that i had to do to you, mister. Well, eventually, i found myself stumbling into Myellenoris. Heh...ironic isn't it? Cetta caught me as i collapsed on the street and took me to Princess Amalia so that i can be healed. And....thats when i saw him.

Esbern

My love...oh...i was so happy! But...also so sad. To see him in such a disgusting state. The life was...drained from his eyes. Once i find who did this to him i.'m gonna.....no, I'm not going to do that. I'm better than that. O-or...at least i think i am. We came up with a plan, however. A plan to keep me in Myllenoris while i hid under the guise of...well, a disguise. Amber Sonata. That's what i choose to call myself from now on. A...traveling, foreign businesswoman. *sigh. I'm so sorry to have to do this to my brothers. They must be in so much pain to know that i am missing in action. But...i need to free Esbern. I need to get to the bottom of things and discover the truth of this war. Being Amber will be my key to doing so. From this day forward, i....choose to be Amber Sonata. And even if it kills me...i WILL find the truth...

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Well...that didn't last very long. Looks like i was....found out. It seems my guise as Amber Sonata did...not go as well as i thought it would. It was foolish of me to think Amy would keep such a secret from her mother, after all. Well, it looks like my excursions with Esbern will have to be put on hold for the time being. I...honestly am extremely lucky that i was not captured. For now, it seems entering Myllenoris is a fool's errand. Though, i will  admit...it was fun being with Esbern even if it was for such a little time. I think it's best i head home now and actually make myself known. It would be a waste for me to label as 'missing in action' for any moment longer considering that i'm fine. For the most part. I just hope the King will forgive my reasons...

X/X/1738 AC

Today was....quite the experience! As i write this entry, i am now officially a Knight of the Order of the First Light. My efforts paid off!  Years of hard work and training had prepared me for this moment! I must admit i am extremely joyful about today's events! Even if...Esbern may not be here to celebrate with me. I admit I'm surprised that the King willfully brushed off my excursions to Myllenoris. To think that he'd find me honorable enough to Knight me. I...guess i did better than i thought in the previous battles. I cannot let him down.  From today forward, i promise to become the best Knight i can possibly be. I fight to protect the people of my city with honor.  And until the day i die, i will fight for justice and peace across Esshar. Hehe...i just hope Grandmother is proud of me! I...don't plan on letting her down. I'm going to soar above everyone's expectations. This world is such an awful place after all. If I can just....make it better. Even if it is a little bit. I think i can be happy. And with this new armor gracing my frame, i will become that light of hope. I just wish that this armor was...a little bit bigger. It's certainly tight in the...uh...chest area. *ahem. Kraus, I hope Eric doesn't read this. I need to get this adjusted....

X/X/1738 AC

It has been a week since i've been officially Knighted. And too be frank, my duties havent...changed much since i was a Cadet. Hehe. Well it wasn't so bad! Helping others in Osrona has certainly been fun! The glances coming my way are certainly appreciative as well. Even if they are a little bit embarrassing. I guess my outift does certainly stand out more than my old ones. But i sure do look 'badass' as the Rhyonish say!  Oh! But i helped some children save their cat from getting stuck in a tree! The tree may be....destroyed now but...w-we can plant more! I'd rather not talk about that. Anyway! Let's see....besides that, i helped some cadets with their own combat training,  helped an old woman by giving her directions to the church, taught some students about Sae and the stars,  did some paperwork,  did some...more paperwork, and i met with a young fellow named Atilus! He was certainly a treat to talk too. Even if his life story was...a little overwhelming. Though, i admit...he has a good heart. We need more people like him in our ranks. Most Knights seem to care about stroking their egos and getting with handmaidens. Atilus would be a...nice change of pace. His sense of chivalry was certainly noteable. We had a very interesting and insightful conversation about war amongst some other things. I just feel awful for his sister, Amelia. I...hope things work out for them. She seemed to be cooped up in her room the entire time. Here's hoping i can meet her one day. Staying cooped up in your room all day is...unhealthy. I  would know...

X/X/1738 AC

What...am i even fighting for?

Such a cryptic way to start a journal entry, i know. But...today was eventful, to say the least. My brain is full of emotion. Happiness, Sadness, Confusion, Fear, and...even anger. I feel...angry.  As if i was betrayed. I've kept my emotions hidden for the most part. I don't to want anyone worry after all. But after my talk with Regulus, it makes me wonder...who truly is in the right? What...am i fighting for? Oh, i should explain today's events to clear my thoughts. Esbern is a free man thanks to Lord Regulus's kindness. I was sent a letter a few days ago asking for a meeting with me and him to discuss Esbern's freedom. Something that seemed like an obvious trap. But knowing Lord Regulus, he seemed to be honorable enough to not pull such a dirty trick such as that. Even then, it was a blatant risk walking into Myllenoris with full knight armor and the Order sigil emblazoned into my shoulder pad. Basically, an extremely bad idea. But..despite the odds, it all worked out. Lord Regulus gave me a lot to think about. Mm, the conditions for Esbern's were quite simple. He asked that i answer a question for him and...when all was said and done, he would free Esbern and allow us to be let go. It..seemed to good to be true. Despite the suspicion, however, after answering his question, Lord Regulus disengaged Esbern's collar and he was set to be a free man! A joyous set of events indeed! But...as joyous as it was. I couldn't help but feel...frightened at our conversation. Lord Regulus asked me but a simple question. He asked if whether or not i thought King Alexander's intentions were justified. And at first, my answer was obvious. Of course, i thought it was justified! Though, with the given information that i've heard however combined with Amalia's own testimonies i....am starting to doubt the legitimacy of the King. It pains me to admit the suspicions i have of him and his wife Queen  Nebula. Lord Regulus admitted to me that the reason for the fighting was King Alexander's doing. That they are protecting themselves from a tyrannical leader. From the information i know and my own experiences with the King. He doesn't seem to be that type of person! But...Lord Regulus wouldn't lie or stoop to such lows to dissuade me either. Am...i truly fighting for the glory of a tyrannical leader? Is...fighting against Myllenoris wrong? The people don't seem like the genocidal monsters that some of the Osronan's say there are. And..i admit, it seems Lord Regulus's reasons for fighting are...reasonable. He was betrayed after all, it...only makes sense. But...what am i supposed to do? I don't know whats true and what's not. What's right and what's wrong. It's all just so murky..

I've...made my decision. I know what i must fight for. The answer was right in front of me all along. I...fight for the people. I fight for justice and truth. Not for the ideals of someone else. I've said this before, but i fight for my own ideals. I...can't forget that. I fight for Sae as i am HER sword and shield before anyone elses. Even in confusing times like these...i...need to stay true to myself and never forget what i stand for. Even if i do get lost along the way. I'm...choosing to fight in Osrona's battles. To be honest, I'm hoping for Myllenoris to win so that this bloodshed may end as soon as possible. But...i'm still going to fight for the protection of others. I can't abandon my comrades and let them die after all. I'd sully my name as a Knight if i  did so

With that in mind, i must prepare for the coming battles ahead. With Esbern now by my side...i will not falter. I will find peace and....i will find the truth. We had such a heartfelt reunion afterward. It...seems things are starting to let up now that he is a Tyr and he is getting back on his feet. Let's just hope that these fortunate turn of events don't turn into misfortune...

X/X/1738 AC

As per my usual duties, i found myself helping a young girl named Esther last night. It was...interesting to say the least. Poor girl, she must have had some sort of trauma. Her drunken shenanigans almost made me cut her head off. But, luckily, i was able to maintain my composure throughout the entire ordeal. Got her some soup and a place to rest, and...that was that. By Kraus, it was annoying but....well, such are my duties as a Knight.  I couldn't find her the next morning, sadly. I can only hope she's doing okay. I really do despise alcohol. I can't see myself drinking more than a glass of wine to be honest. I find drunks....disgusting. As much pity as I feel for them, they did put themselves in that position after all. Anyway, I also met a young girl named Paisley today. It seems she is our new maid! She's quite a polite and kind young girl, i just hope that i'm able to give her a home given the terrible circumstances she must have been through. I...want to be there for her. It's the least i can do for a victim of war, after all. She didn't deserve this. No one deserves to witness their family die in front of their eyes like that. It's...a grim reminder of what's to come. By Kraus...i just....hope that i can do my part in ending this. I'm even having second thoughts when it comes to joining the next battle. But as i said before, i need to protect my comrades. They may have abandoned me back then but, i choose not to abandon them. Call it naivety or idiocy but...part of me thinks that i wasn't purposely abandoned. Sometimes people do things that are selfish in order to save themselves in the heat of the moment. I can't blame them for that. I can't blame anyone for having to make such tough choices.

X/X/1738 AC

Well, I almost arrested Esther....again. But...luckily, i was able to give her a place to sleep and some food again. Just....this time it wasn't the soup kitchen. It...was my quarters. What am i going to do with this poor girl!?  I sure do hope she changes her ways. I...admit, i'm ashamed at me almost walking away from the problem. Someone had to talk some sense into me before i decided to do anything about this. Am...i  just becoming another Knight? It the power getting to my head? I can't believe i almost walked away from a problem because of my own fear. It's embarrassing. Pitiful, even. This is my job...my duty...and i almost walked away from it? I...i'm going to do better next time. I have too.

X/X/1738 AC

Today was quite interesting. Drama. Lot's and...lot's of drama. Mostly coming from me and my own frail heart. Mm...well, today i met a few nice folks. Rikka and Malacai being a few. Rikka was the...odd one, that was for sure. She....heh...she has some....unique traits. She's odd. But Malacai was quite a treat to talk too as well. A good boy with dreams to be a great artificer. But...back to the matter at hand, Esbern and I had a....interesting conversation. By Kraus, i almost broke down. Esbern he....stopped me from participating in the upcoming battles. Given his words, i decided it would be best for me to not participate in any more battles. I...lost my way. The realization made me almost break down. I...don't know what i'm fighting for. Sure i say protection, i say for justice, but....i-i...i can'-...i thought i was doing the right thing. I thought i was helping people, protecting people, why did he have to go and tell me i'm not!? Why did he have to go and tell me that i've forgotten my promise! I...i didnt! I....still fight for...those ideals.

At least...i think i do? Dear Kraus....i've...just become another Knight, haven't i? I-i'm too focused on glory and honor. Of being seen. I'm just making excuses at this point. Esbern tried his best to comfort me but...even now, i just feel absolutely terrible. I feel...useless. I'm such...a terrible Knight. I forgot...the very thing i was fighting for! To think he has the nerve to tell me not to fight. I-i mean...i need to take a rest and gather my thoughts. I'm not in the right mind.

/X/1739 AC

The coming battle is coming closer with each and every day. King Alexander held a speech today regarding his plans for the battle. After putting some thought into it, i have decided to act as an anchor for the forces of Osrona and not participate in the fight. Instead of sticking to the sidelines and evacuating the city and nearby villages. This task is more appropriate for me. I...do want to protect my citizens, my friends, and my King. But i don't want to fight and hurt anyone i don't need to either. There's no good side to war...and...i'd rather not have to take someone's life. Hopefully, this decision pleases Esbern. I...should be safe. Anyway, i trained in the dojo for quite a while in preparation. Athanoti being quite the foe! But...i was able to take her down. Hehe. I think i sense a rivalry brewing. Quite the bold and...loud girl. Anyway, me and Esbern talked about our future today as well. He took me to the place he proposed to me at. To think it's been four years since then! Hmph...this damn war better end soon so we can get married! But...other than that, i was remembered of a certain tale of my childhood as i flipped through the diary and reminisced with him. A tale about an ancient observatory...heh...what nonsense. Sounds...interesting though...

X/X/1739 AC

My...damn hand. It's gone. My left hand is gone. Taken by a Drakanite warrior in the midst of a battlefield. I...just got it treated today by Erehn. The past few days have been...intense, to say the least. A reminder of my mistakes now forever rests with me as i look down at my prosthetic. A reminder that....i can't be a hero. No matter how hard i try. I'll...never be able to be the person i want to be. And...maybe that's okay.

Lucky for me, my right hand is my dominant one. So...i can still write and wield my blade. Back to the matter at hand, however. No...pun intended. Myllenoris's forces were able to reach the gates of Osrona. A long, bloody battle ensued. One of chaos, death, destruction, and bloodshed. Heh...i'm used to it all by now, unfortunately. I kept to my promise and stuck to the sidelines as I evacuated the villages and the people near the gates of Osrona. While I think I was successful...war...isn't that predictable. A young Drakanite kept me from my goals and stood in my way. As much as i didn't want to fight him. As much as i didn't want to hurt him...i had no choice. But...i got cocky, scared even. And...he bested me. I failed. I failed in my duty as a Knight and as a citizen of Osrona. I...i'm no warrior, i'm no hero. I'm...i'm just a scared, meek girl. Clinging onto the idea of being able to protect others so that i can cope with my trauma. I...have to be truthful to me, after all. Though...the Drakanite said i was the noblest and chivalrous of the Knight's he's ever seen. Even inviting me to join his cause. I declined of course but....it really does put things into perspective. If i learned one thing that day...it's that...my title doesnt matter. It's...my actions that makes the person that i am. Not my nobility or title or...anything like that. *sigh, I must apologize to Eric, Inante, Atilus, and Esbern. After seeing the pain in their faces in pain for my own injuries...i...i can't be selfish anymore. I can't put myself in harm's way. I just...can't take seeing them suffer over me like that. I'll...be sure to be reckless from now on. I can't let them see me like this again. I can't lose my way again

X/X/1739 AC

The little Ember hiding in my prosthetic is quite the adorable little thing! Even as i write, he's keeping me company and keeping me warm. Heh..Atilus sure does have a way with these little things. Wonder how he does it. Anyway...i guess...having a mithril hand isn't the worst thing in the world. I...realized something today. I lost my way. I forgot why...i wanted to fight. I...just became another Knight. Another soldier. That's...not who i am. I don't fight for honor or glory i...fight for the good and justice that still exists in this world. Esbern made me realize...i can't lose my way again. And i don't plan on ever doing so. I'm Astrid and...no one can ever change that. Anyway...with that out of the way, we made plans with Uri to set sail to this observatory soon. Does it exist? Who knows! But it sounds like quite the fun adventure

X/X/1739 AC

I didn't know such scum existed. It...makes me angry. Furious even! I can't even keep my hand steady. Eric...h-he...almost lost his life today! Luckily, things are alright, i'm watching over him right now but...to think i'd be swindled over a life-threatening injury! I guess it's best i explain things. I was patrolling the market and i heard gurgling, after investigating the source, it was my brother choking on his blood! Right in the middle of the square! That jester...he was trying to swindle us in order to treat him. Demanding over 1000 coins! His goons kept rising the price the more we tried to negotiate. My Kraus, if i had lost my composure i would...cut his head off right then and there. I'm...not normally like this, but seeing my brother dying on the street was....awful. That damn clown....if i ever see him enter my city again i'll promptly throw him in a jail cell. Osrona has no place for such folk like him! Even...i know that. Luckily, Eric is okay. Uri came in just in time to treat him. I'll spend the next few days making sure he recovers. 

X/X/1739 AC

Sometimes the truth....is more unbelievable than fiction. I...was given the full truth to this war today. Thanks to Esbern and...well...mm..maybe it's best i don't say much. But...i discovered a lot today. Both sides...are truly in the wrong for this war. No matter who wins....there is no good outcome. I know that now. I can't say much out of fear of someone reading and discovering my journal but....with these newfound truths. I...realize...i was fighting for a useless war. Sure, i was fighting for the protection and justice of others. But for my King? For Osrona? Such things weren't true. King Alexander is a good man, but...he has lost his way for a reason that's darker than any lie anyone might come up with. One that...even i still have a hard time believing. I can't do anything. Even with this newfound information and truths...i....need to keep my mouth shut and heed Esbern's words. I need to lay low and refrain in participating in any battles until this war blows over. He...will take care of everything. I just have to focus on my duties as a Knight and help as much as i can with the war effort without fighting. Everything...will be okay. I need to survive. For Esbern's sake. For...everyone

X/X/1740 AC

I can't believe i was serving the whims of a Witch for this entire war..

I knew about this ever since my conversation with Esbern, of course. But...for Lady Ophelia to admit to it during King Alexander's speech. My, my....i guess it's true after all. I...don't even know what to think. The...witch wanted to capture and kill both Lady Marie and Lady Ophelia. Execute them for their crimes against the crown. Hmph. What blasphemy. I....needed a break after all that drama in the square, admittedly. Lucky for me, Uri's boat was setting sail soon. As i write, we are currently on our way to that ancient observatory i want to know so much about! As much as it pains me to leave such an event in Osrona...i'm sure everyone there will be able to take care of it. For now...adventure awaits! But dear Kraus, i hope i get out this boat soon. I...haven't felt this sick since the last time Eric cooked dinner...

X/X/1740 AC

Osrona...is in complete and utter shambles.

But..before i write about that, i need to speak about my adventure. Heh...all things considered, i shouldn't be alive. But...it was quite the story, i'll admit. Spelunking, traps, adventuring, crazy psycho trees, a....one eyed wolf. This trek to the ancient observatory was certainly something and...while i didn't find while i was looking for...i found something arguably more important. I realized...the importance of the allies by my side

The adventure was long and grueling, almost took me, Esbern, and Uri a full day to reach the mountain from the forest. Let alone climb it. Even then, i was doubting such an ancient place even being real. But lo and behold...it was! You can imagine my excitement when i arrived! The first obstacle in our way, a tree....it uh...put up a fight. I...honestly am surprised i escaped such dangerous encounters with nothing but a few scratches and my mana circuits...well, fried. But...Esbern and Uri having my back, fighting for me, feeling pain for me. It made me realize what's important. As much as i want to protect innocents and the people of Osrona, i can't lose my way when it comes to my allies. *sigh. Anyway, the tree was quite the fearsome and ugly foe. So much happened in such a little time! But i'll keep it short. I was able to defeat it with the help of Uri and Esbern. After exploring the temple and spelunking, we found ourselves at the top of the observatory. Where we...met a one eyed wolf. While at first our first instinct was to defend ourselves, he was...nice. He...just seemed lonely. Uri took quite the liking to him, even naming him 'Mono'. But...good things don't last long. I...made a foolish mistake and looked upward into the starts using the telescope he was protecting. And...we were pit against a deadly battle against this massive wolf. I...couldn't find the willpower to fight him. Niether did Uri. While they suffered quite gruesome injuries, Esbern was able to finally kill Mono. Much to...me and Uri's dismay. Why did he have to die? Was...my goals more important that it granted we kill him? It...was awful, to say the least. Even now, i pray that Mono's soul reaches the Stars. We...left the temple with quite a few rare artifacts. A focusing Iris, some very strong wood, Mono's eye, and...some arcanium from the telescope. I...might study this iris further, along with the wood. Uri took the eye and...Esbern took the arcanium. *sigh. As enlightening as this journey was...it made me realize just how fleeting life was. Something that i was further reminded of once i got back to Osrona

According to the townsfolk and Atilus, Nebula...truly was a witch. Controlling King Alexander like a puppet and controlling the war from the sidelines. She..attacked her people, killed Marie, killed...so many. And what was i doing? Spelunking on my own...selfish adventure. I'm ashamed that i wasn't there for my people when i needed them. But...never again. Never again will i forget who i am..

X/X/1740 AC

My injuries are ungodly at the moment. I...feel so much pain. It was foolish of me to further strain my mana circuits while recovering from the adventure. But...amidst all of this strife and chaos. I...needed to find an answer

With King Alexander out of commission from his possession, Osrona is a mess. Even with Prince Odin as our leader, morale is at its lowest point. Even i am feeling the effects of it. I...needed to find my answer. And...using the Iris from the telescope above that mountain...i was finally able to do so. I was able to gaze into the stars..

Using Atilus's help, i was able to finally meet Sae and...talk to her. She wanted me to come up into the stars with her. To give me a chance at rebirth... I denied. I chose to keep living. And i chose to keep being the person i am. I...am Astrid cos Salis. And while i may not be able to be the hero i want to be. I...can still be me. The ritual i was able to commence gave me a glimpse into the stars above. A glimpse into how beautiful things...can really be. I heard the voices of those who had met their demise. Calling onto me, telling me to keep going and...live for them. So that's what i intend to do. Even though some of my comrades are gone, i...choose to live for them. To make this world a better place so that they may be reborn into a better tomorrow. That...ritual was enough to completely and utterly fry my mana circuits. But...i was able to take a glimpse into new power. I feel....reborn. Like a new person. And...i don't intend to ever lose my way again

The Iris was a little damaged during the ritual, but...it was nothing that can't be fixed. Esbern gave me the idea to use it to create a blade for me. A legendary whip sword that uses the Iris at it's base to focus and harness cosmic energies. Quite a powerful weapon! Am...i truly worthy to wield something like that? Well, either way, my husband sure does seem excited about making it for me. I'll just...have to wait and see. With my new self, i'll try to become the best person i can be for him. For...everyone.

X/X/1740 AC

With word of Prince Odin being kidnapped, i find my duties becoming ever so troublesome. We don't even know where he is at the moment! With the coming battle on the horizon. It just...makes things worse. I just hope we're able to find him s-...oh, dear. The King is calling for us. Might have to pause this entry for the time being..

My, my...what a predicament.

After calling for our assistance, the King led us to the depths of the underground sewers. Where Prince Odin is said to be kept for ransom. To think that he was captured by...sewer dwellers! My, my. Anyway, a bloody and...quite gruesome siege occurred. Alot happened, but...to keep it short. We were able to successfully push back the sewer dwellers and rescue Prince Odin. While he was gravely injured, his wounds seem to be treatable. *sigh. So much bloodshed...it's unfortunate that i'm used to such things by now. I captured two sewer dwellers during the battle by the name of Lin Mo and Silat. Quite interesting individuals. They...seem to be mostly drugged up on Sylvanum, but...after talking to them, i realized...as bad as their crimes are, it's....okay for people to think differently than you. Even if i believe it's wrong...you just...simply have to accept things for how they are sometimes. The Silat girl seemed to be quite the treat to talk to, i'll admit, even if she was a criminal. But...even if they are criminals, their also people too. I'm going to try my best to make sure they are not executed in the coming days. The war is...going to come to a close soon and i'm not planning on participating in the coming battle. I'll keep watch and do something else instead so that i can keep my promise to Esbern. I'm still contemplating on their crimes and their punishments. Execution is not an option. I don't believe in such things. But...they stll need to be punished for their crimes. While i know it wont happen, here's hoping they can change their ways.

X/X/1740 AC

This is probably my last entry before the next battle. I...am not going to participate, as i said before. Mm...i had a girl take my fortune today. Her name was...Piper. Quite the sweet girl, if not a little shrewd and coy. While i'm not one for superstitions, she told me i was in for a 'grand' future. At the cost that i lose something dear to me. It...scared me, actually. Very much. What if...it turns out to be true? Well, i guess those things don't matter at the moment. I...need to prepare for the coming battle for the next few days. It's important i stay on guard and stay on my toes after all. The next entry i write....hopefully the war will be over and...everything will be okay. Maybe i can make on Marie's promise and help with the opening of the Academy. Heh..i'll see. Time is running short. The future of Esshar and it's people await....

I know what i must fight for....

[TopRa]

Chapter 4:

New Beginnings

X/X/1740 AC


I know i said this would be my last entry before the next battle but...i have some stuff to write! Anyway, things have seemingly been put on hold for a while. I met quite the wonderful young lady today! Her name was Lenora. She seems to be Eric's retainer. Me and her had a bit of a chat and she is quite the interesting individual. She seems to be wanting to apply her Illusion magics toward more theoretical applications instead of just for combat. Such as entering one's mind for example. Quite the pretty young lady too. Maybe her and Eric can....oh! I'm just daydreaming! I have to start preparing for my wedding. Esbern and I are getting married soon before the battle starts. As grim as a situation as it is, hopefully this ceremony will bring a bit of light into our days

X/X/1740 AC
Today was....absolutely wonderful! Our marriage could not have been a better event! As annoying as the dress was to wear and as tight as it was in the...um..chest area, it was quite beautiful! Eric really did outdo himself! Lenora seemed to enjoy it as well, it seems. Seeing all my friends clapping for out marriage almost brought a tear to my eye. I truly did marry such a wonderful man! I...hope me and Esbern will live together for the rest of our days going forward. After the ceremony, we had a little party in the Artisans Guild. Xyth even made us food and a wonderful cake!  I was never much of a party person, but..it certainly was a wonderful time. Today seems to be a bit busy though, given the war effort and all that. I should start preparing myself and checking on my prisoners once i'm done writing here. I admit, it was quite odd that Prince Odin and Miss Aradia got married at the same time. I....could almost feel like Aradia wasn't even happy about it. I...wonder what happened to her. Well, it guess it doesnt matter at the moment. I just hope she's okay. Heh...to think i'm married to Esbern cos Salis now. Hmhm...fate can truly be a wonderful thing sometimes can't it?

X/X/1741 AC
Death. Blood. Destruction. I've seen it all. Everything. Why...am i even alive right now? Why didn't that drakanite just...kill me? Why did me of all people have to live? I...failed. I failed my city. My people. I...failed everything.

I suppose it's time i give context. I was ordered to keep watch on my prisoners during the battle and help evacuate the citizens toward the nearby academy. Filia came barging in telling me to take them out and go and evacutate so...i did. I evacuated all i could from the city while Myllenoris was closing in. And...it happened. From the distance, i saw Osrona being burnt to flame. Ever sense of joy and hope i had in my heart was annihilated. I...tried to go back and save people. But i failed. The entire city would have been burst to flame as i ran there. I saw innocent people being killed. Burnt alive and slaughtered by those damn Teraphims and Drakanites. I...tried to play the hero and save everyone. But i ended up failing. I...almost got killed. Whether the gods decided to spare me because of some cruel joke or because of fate...i don't know. But i should be dead right now.

Osrona is gone. The Academy is all that is left of our people. Thousands upon thousands are dead....and...i failed them. My wounds tell the story better than i ever could. I just...don't know what to do anymore. So many lives lost...and for what?

X/X/1741 AC
I did something that i completely regretted last night. I...almost killed someone. Xyth. My dear friend. My heart was so full of rage and sadness i just....snapped. So much trauma. So much bloodshed. So much...war. It took over my entire body. And i just...hurt him. Who knows what i would have done if i lost that fight. Thank Kraus i did...i...i felt like a monster. I can't ever be that person ever again. I need to remove this darkness from my heart. I have to move on...i just have too. Xyth was able to snap me out of my trance, luckily. But still...to think i was able to do such a thing...i...i need to move forward. I learned something as i fought Xyth. I learned that everyone is suffering around me. I'm not the only one. But...violence will only cause more violence. I need to keep a level head and do my best for Osrona. With plans in motion to begin the construction of a small settlement for the survivors, i'll aid in helping them. I'm a Knight after all, i need to continue helping my citizens and....i can't succumb to these desires. They're wrong. I'll use this trauma to help me move forward. I need to teach others the errors of such chaos.

X/X/1741 AC
Our settlement is finally finished. We dub it Nysea. Quite a nice name, i'll admit. Hmhm...as grim as the circumstances are, i admit, i do find comfort in seeing everyone allied together. Even with Osrona gone, we all still stand in unison to pave the way torward tomorrow. Quite poetic. With everything finished, i should get to work in setting up the plans with Eric to go visit Grandmother Erika. Maybe she can give me some advice for the coming days..

X/X/1741 AC
My first day on Tahiti island was quite the nice experience! It almost made me forget just how grim things are. Talking with Grandmother, Lenora, and Eric has...opened my eyes a bit. Grandmother certainly did give me and Eric sound advice...even if she was a bit scoldy. But...she offered for us to stay on the island for a few weeks to train us and help us become proper Knights. I admit, such a prospect was too exciting to pass up! So here i am, now stuck on an island with Eric, Grandfather, Grandmother, and Lenora for the time being. Being trained by grandmother herself....i certainly can't wait to spend time with my family now!

X/X/1741 AC
As expected, the past few days have been quite enjoyable and...almost wonderous. Though...it has also been difficult as well. Grandmother does NOT let up when it comes to training. For an old woman, she certainly packs quite the punch! Not even i could beat her! Though, i feel as if training with her has broke my limits somewhat. The time i'm spending with my family is certainly wondrous. I wish it can be like this every day. I've been having so much fun sitting in the sun, eating mangoes, and just...spending time with my family. It made me realize what was truly important to me. And for once i...felt truly happy. I sure hope me and Esbern can retire to an island like this one day. As much as i don't like sand...the days i've been spending her have been truly wonderful.

X/X/1741 AC
I'm back home now. And...of course, as soon as i get back home to Nysea. Things took a turn for the worst. They accused my brother of high treason rtight in front of me. I tried my best to attest to his innocence but...it was no use. They're keeping him prisoner now. Funny how this happens right after the best days i've had in years. It's like Esshar just..doesn't want to give me a break. Maybe i should just...move to an island and spend the rest of my days there. I worry that they're going to execute Eric but...Esbern calmed me down and said that wouldn't be the case most likely. I...sure hope not. If i lose Eric, i wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'm sure he's innocent. Fighting in the war against us!? What blasphemy! Anyway...other than that i...well, found something out today. Though i...won't jump to conclusions yet. I...need the time to think it over. But...from the looks of things. I'm...going to be a mother


X/X/1741 AC
I talked to Sir Robin and Silat today. Silat being the girl who used to be my prisoner. She's grown up quite a bit! I admit, it's quite a joy to talk to her now. Same with Sir Robin, he's becoming quite the great young Cadet. Though...he somewhat worries me. I don't want him to take the path of heroism and glory like I did. It's...not an expecation he should put on his shoulders. I tried my best to give him the best advice i could regarding his Knightlyhood. And..i think i've taught him quite a bit. I admit, it's enjoyable teaching and guiding others. Maybe...i should continue to do that. Anyway, Xyth has asked me to train with him. I should probably go and do so..

X/X/1741 AC
Eric is dead. My brother. My dear, dear brother...is now nothing but a corpse lying on the ground in the beach. King Alexander killed him. Murdered him right in front of my eyes. I tried my best to stop him from executing him but...it was no use. I fought my hardest and...once again. I failed. My teardrops dart the page of this entry. I...couldn't do anything. I was...powerless. I'm...the sole heir to the Salis household now. What do i even do? I have a baby on the way. Will the grief filling my heart hurt him? I..promised Esbern i'd do my best moving forward. But i can't help but feel so much anger. So much rage and darkness that lurks in my heart. I...want nothing more than to kill Alexander. I want him to feel the pain of what he did to Eric. I want him to suffer....but...i can't think these thoughts. Can i? I...i need to go to sleep. I have to tell Lenora about this tomorrow.

X/X/1742 AC
I told Lenora about Eric's death. As imagined, she didn't take it well. We spent hours greiving by his gravesight. Talking to each other. Talking to him. Saying our regrets and our love for him. It makes it all the more unforunate that Lenora seemingly had feelings for him. Hehe...Alexander just had to take all of this away, didn't he? I threw my damn Sigil into the ocean. Alexander already stripped me of my Knightlyhood anyway. It doesn't matter anymore. I need to be a better person. I need to serve my own whims and protect the ones i care about. I have a baby on the way, after all, i HAVE to protect him. No matter what. Lenora's illusion magic came in handy due to the fact that she was able to project a memory onto me. A..far cry from the real thing but, it was nice. Or...it would have been, if i didn't realize that Lenora is possibly a Witch. What other magic can enter people's minds and create dreams? *sigh. Of course, things just had to get worse. It's almost funny at this point, honestly. Of course, me and Esbern talked to Sethon and the King about it. Who know's what might happen. I'm probably going to see another friend die. Burnt at the stake. Hmhm...such an...unfortunate turn of events. But i have to keep living. I just...have too. Baby Ulfric needs a mother...and Esbern needs a wife...

X/X/1742
Perhaps i was wrong about Lenora being a witch. I...asked her to do that magic again for me. And after speaking with her, i....realized that i was wrong. Lenora is not a witch. She's far too kind and lovely to be one. And even if she was, i...don't mind taking that secret with me to the grave. Foolish, i know, but...i care for her. I know when people are lying. She's not evil...and she never was. Only filled with grief like myself. I asked her to do that magic again for me and...i was transported through that world again. I saw Eric...i saw my memories. I....i want him back so badly. It was an interesting experience. It filled me with both grief and relaxation. To see my brother again after so long...it was beautiful. I...was told to let go. Whether it be from Sae herself who told me during my trance or Eric, i...don't know. But...i have to move on. I have to protect my baby and...all of those who i care for. It doesn't seem Lenora is going to be my retainer anymore. Part of it is...well, my fault. I guess all i can do is...hope and pray

X/X/1742
My child was born today. Ulfric cos Salis. He...he's beautiful. Amongst the despair and the pain that filled my heart, Ulfric is a glowing light of hope for me. He reminds me who i am. What i'm fighting for. Why....i'm living. I've only just seen his face and....i already love him. The feeling of having my baby sleep in my arms is...blissful. As if i were in the heavens themselves. He is truly a blessed child. Born at night under the starry sky of the Cosmos. I...i love him so much. I have to move on. I have to move on from Eric's death and continue to do  my best. I need to become the best person i can be.

X/X/1742
It seems people are taking a liking to my baby. I mean...he is pretty cute! I can't tell you how many times people wanted to hold him today! Hmhm...he truly is a wonderful thing. Mm...i...figured something out today. I realized i quite enjoy teaching and guiding others. I helped a few boys out with their swordplay today and trained them. It was...quite fun, admittedly. Maybe i should do this more often instead od sulking around all day. It gives me a purpose besides just sitting at home and taking care of Ulfric all day. Something to consider...

X/X/1742
Seeing the King punch his brother in the streets mindlessly and hearing him say these things. It...makes me wonder, honestly. It...makes me angry. Why in the Hel does he continue to do these things? Shouldn't he be...you know, leading us? No, instead he decides to continue to hurt people. Punching his brother in the streets, choking prisoners, executing people. It's all...nonsense, really. His retainer Sethon even threatened me today. Said that i'd better watch my mouth if i didn't want to end up like Eric. The damn nerve of him. I...want to leave. I honestly do. I can't stand being in this town anymore, really. But...i guess i'll have to stay a bit longer given the situation. But...i thought up an idea. I...want to build a school! I want to teach others and help guide them toward a better future. As painful and bloody as the days are, i want to be a small light of hope. I want to use my experiences, my trauma, my growth, i want to use it all to help guide Esshar's future toward a brighter tomorrow. I'll call it...Salis Academy! Oh what fun! I...wanted to build it in Nysea but, i'll think of the location at another time. Right now, i'm going to go ahead and just...continue making money and growing funds for the project. It would be great to House Salis and help me build it up even further. Here's hoping things go well!

X/X/1743
Lloyd. He....he died today. He died during the siege.  Surpisingly i...didn't find myself to be crying. I guess i'm so used to death already that even seeing a friend die like Lloyd just...doesn't effect me. I've made my peace with things. I've already made plans with Xyth to talk to Romani to aid in the formation of the Academy in Osrona. As "treasonous" as it would be to move there and do such a thing, i'm...very much considering doing so. I need to talk about it with Esbern. He's...stubborn. But moving to Osrona would be safe and...i could possibly rebuild the Salis manor as well. Most of Osrona has been refurbished and rebuilt so...so can my Manor be as well. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, the plans for this Academy are at the forefront of my mind. Besides Ulfric and Esbern, of course. Hmhm.

X/X/1743
After quite a...well, long back and forth. I've decided that it's best that i continue my original plans of building an Academy in Nysea. Atfter some consideration and with the meeting of Romani, i find it....difficult to keep to the idea of working with him. It's partially his own fault that Osrona was burnt to the ground and thousands of lives were lost after all. I can't support a man like that, even if he is supposed to support me. It makes me sad that i have to bail out of Xyth's plan's but...this is the safest and best choice that i can pick. I think it was foolish for me to consider going there. I've...seen the people that reside there and....some of them are absolutely awful. I don't need Osrona or the King to make my own path. In all honesty, i don't need anyone's help. As much as i hate it when Esbern scolds me he...did have a point. Being with Esbern and my son, i realized that...i can pull through this. I can forge my own path on my own and...make a brighter future. After the negotiations with Romani, i realized that...working in an Academy for him is not something that i want. Nor do i want him to take advantage of it. I'll build my own. Using my own strength. It even seems Esbern has acquired enough funds on both our ends so that we can start the construction of both the Artisan's Guild and Salis Academy. Maybe...living in this town won't be terrible after all. Let's see what happens...

--To be continued!!--