Fragile Illusions

[Malxe]

-

You find a letter lost in the wind. It reads…

”We will see one thing. If you are to break again and again, or if you’re to pursue and achieve what you’ve always wished.”

"Go to whatever lengths to ensure you, and only you, are happy!"

How long has it been?
Since I was really myself?
Since you told me those words?
For a while it was just revenge.
Then some sort of hunger to fight and prove my worth.

I’m sorry, Retsuki. I wasted so much time on things that didn’t matter.

I thought I was going toward my goal. Only those distractions tore me away from what really needed to be done. Just another failure, really. 
Got used to those.
The mask took control. Think it was for about two years I was asleep in its hold, but… I think it controlled me longer than that. Proof someone believed in me - it was only a matter of time before those thoughts got in my head. 
That I could achieve that unattainable ambition.

You know the one.

Answering prayers. The ones the gods ignored.

Used to say things like ‘Mestra deserved it.’ Maybe they did. I don’t know anymore.
All I know now is I want to help. Like I always did. The thing that makes me happy is to relieve the burdens of others. To pretend for that fragment of time that we really can be as gods. Answer the prayers of others - and forego whatever pittance the divine offers for our plights.

Instead…
Distractions. Just stupid distractions. From hunting Zamekiri, to running around with Elune’s Ravens. Even the amount of time I wasted standing in the middle of Caethir, pretending that was where I belonged in the world.
Even that mask. That empty veil. It was supposed to be the key we lost.

These people meant everything to me.

But I meant little to them.

All just fragile illusions.

Ironically?
I’m helping that Giant I told you about now, for his people in Jotunheim. Used to be a friend of that dog.
Wanted to hurt him just because he was connected to them. Like how they hurt Maggy. But now I know that’s not how it is.
You can still be innocent and a friend to an evil man.
I'm not going to apologize for it though.
The guy probably doesn't remember stuff like that.

A different evil seeks his rightful seat now.
That of tyranny and banditry. They’re all pretending to be just. But the aggressors are clear. The guilty and the innocent.

Do you remember?
How I managed to convince that mask to let me wear it?

"Destruction to the Damned, Salvation for the Innocent."

Here, I finally feel
Between answering the unanswered prayers,
Saving the innocent,
I’ve finally done it. I’ve reached that ambition to try. It’s liberating to know this is the destiny I chose. Only me. Nobody else.
I’m tired of failing at the only directive you gave me.
I accept the possibility of death and suffering.

Except if I did fail, I know you’d still care for me.
Your vision of who I could be inspired me to be better every day.
Even when every day felt like an eternal night.

But even if I fall when destiny marches on their doorstep.
Even if I die an outsider as I’ve always lived.
I will be happy.

So, all I really wanted to say is…

I did it.
I didn’t fail you.
I am unbroken.
I am happy.

[Malxe]

It's another scattered page...

"They're next."

Well...
Suppose he was right. They really were next. At least we can say we took the fight directly to them. At least we proved something to ourselves. That we were going against impossible odds. Enough was enough, though. Tyranny was venerated and loomed over us all for far too long. Somewhere in that disgusting display must have born some ideal. Someone must have saw us. Someone with the ambition and power to actually achieve what we hoped for.

Right?

No. Even as I write these words and choose to believe them, hope died that day. Aeric died with it.

Hope.

Just another fragile illusion.

Everyone's back now. I missed them so much.
It feels hollow though. Unearned.

History will never know what we stood for. It's always written by the victors. They'll be called Oathbreakers. Death magi. Witches. Villains. That's all they'll be called. It's times like these I'm glad my name won't be remembered in the future. No one will care to tell the next generation of my failures. No one will care to enough to vilify me in the end - no matter how much good one tries to do.

Everything feels so hollow.

In the wake of his life I chose to follow his people. To try my best to take care of them. Even if they were all so blinded by that destitution that they walked right into the hands of those that turned their back on them. Whatever ounce of pride I have left got shoved to the side just to keep that dream alive - even if it was stolen without the slightest recognition of the irony.

Now? I'm right back where it all began. Standing in a fledgling town that will forget me as soon as the first stone is laid. History repeating over and over again.

I'm their perfect pawn, again.
I'm their pretty little mascot, again.
I'm a shadow of what I should be, again.
Again, and again, and again I am a victim to other's whims with no escape.

Last time we wrote? I said I didn't fail you. I take it back.
I'm not happy.

That's not a fate reserved for me.