Withered Blooming Epiphanies

[Tristam]

Within the Library of Nightview, someone has snuck a perticular letter in between the pages of a very specific book. Fit in between some pages that speak about people, one could find the following :

Dear Regalus,

You asked me for this, 70 years ago. To write a page about myself for your records.
I told you I would write it… again and again. Even after you passed away… even after your summoning. And I still haven't done it yet.
I am not sure if there are to be explanations or excuses to be made. It never has been my strength to hold my schedules in time. After all, Life is fleeting, isn't it ? Some people would think there is Fate but… we both know under Memoria's wisdom that there are so many branching threads. And whatever Tapestry Gala weaves, I know it is only from the thread I branch from.

There are many things I want to achieve. Many dreams and ideas that went through my mind. But my situation today will not allow me to achieve them anymore. Either because the die has been cast, or because I am running out of time. To make spiritual weapons made of echoes of their wielders. To make a floating island. To plunge Vdali to become a Dream Keeper. To ensure the Frontier could prosper. All of these are gone. Perhaps in another timeline, if I took different paths, or if I was born differently, these could have been done. Perhaps I wouldn't be her Champion, and became the next father of Magitech. Perhaps I could have become a sharpshooter of an army, vanquishing Xarxes, Grisha, Lyseroth and Ustrea when Sheol and Skarnfel were present. Perhaps I could have been more dubious.
With too many "Perhaps", I could build an entire new life at this point.

But it is whatever. Today, I have new dreams. New wishes. It is the path I have taken. And I want to achieve them. And yet… I am running out of time. And… Life is still fleeting anyway. Even if there are only some grains of sand left in my hourglass… I still struggle to achieve them. Do you remember, when I was back in the Frontier, where groups of people were already waiting in front of my apartement or my home ? Where I could stand for hours in the same spot to chain people's requests and mentoring ? There is a reason why Acero called me "the lung of the Final Frontier." Because my presence within this spot breathed Life to people there. It made the town more lively. People were eager to learn. And people were overall happier and pleased. And I could see them grow. I could see them following their dreams and ambitions. Their projects. Like a nurturing hand taking care of a sprout, I helped bloom so many spirits… With you included.

This is what put me on the path to follow Azalea and Eleos teachings about Alacritas. How I became the Acolyte of Life, to nurture people and the world around. It resonated with what I have chosen. This wish to help others and improve them. Because I was one of those who struggled to find help, to learn and improve myself. I was weak and alone since my childhood. Everyone back in Vdalion was stronger than me. I was too frail to beat others. Too meek to confront others. Too afraid to face adversity.
I don't know how much about these are still relevant today. But if there is one thing, fighting against what you are can be troublesome. So… that's how I turned some of my flawls into strengths : why should I improve myself, if others can be better than me ?

Individualism is a curse. My life was not as valuable as five hardened warriors at the time. I always believed in collectivity. In solidarity. How helping each other can help overcome your weaknesses. You do not put all of your eggs in one basket. Spreading your power can limit the losses..
But sometimes, it can be challenging… I have been trying to find a heir, to follow my steps and continue them once I am gone. My apprentices either leave, die, or doom themselves within the Fel… I struggle to pass my knowledge and my teachings… My daughter Hina is gone… my grand children and great grand children are living their lives. My brother of Faith died from his wounds. My Sister of Faith still no more bound to our reality. Perhaps my expectations now are high ? But now, people do not want me to leave or be gone... I would be sad to break their hearts. And I do not know how to avoid this...

And, people either prefer following the path of Koretheia or Verdion either way. But it is alright. After all, I have played a huge part in resurrecting two new religions too. Two new symbols of ideals and Faith to follow, to bring purpose for some lives. Aschea has found a successor. And my Kin can connect back to their Patron. Perhaps in 500 years, someone will bring a successor to Mestra too...

I had a blank on how to continue this. It makes me realise how much I have given to others. And little for myself. I never worried too much about myself in the past, because I knew making others better and happier was my goal and my oath taken. I was living with the moment, careless and free. My time was fior all. 
But there is a cold guilt now, as I am running out of time…
I don't know why I struggle so hard now to ask for help. Am I ashamed ?  Am I afraid to be rejected? Am I worried about wasting people's time or afraid that I look self-interested ? These kinds of people will never reach or talk to you unless you have something to help them, and when you help them, they return to ignoring you.

Life is fleeting and sometimes ungrateful or hard. But living selflessly, without any expectations, living in the moment, free like the Air we breathe… It sure helped me to follow my oath, and help in making a better place to live around me. And also being more stubborn than a donkey sometimes. Lapines are known for that.
But the Shackles of Memoria and Mortyl are closing upon me. It makes me feel more aware of how valuable our lifespan is, conscious of what I have missed and have not done yet. There is a myth saying that your life flashes when you are about to die. Perhaps it is a coincidence that I am thinking too much about the past as I am writing it. Hopefully.

I am still mortal, regardless of who I am today. And yet, I follow the Constant of Life. How ironic… But while I do not have her Eternity… I live like Her, like how She lives with me. To give without asking anything back in return. To nurture and grow the sprouts to bloom. To tend the Garden that is our World. To be a parental figure for those who lack Love and Kindness. To mend the wounds of the body, mind, spirit and the Universe. To breathe free, and enjoy the present moment…

I don't know how this will end, my friend. Perhaps I should not tergiversate about the future after all. Life is fleeting. I should focus on the present. And makes those years to be worthy and valuable for all… or for myself ? I do not know.

Sometimes I wish I could have an Alter Ego to split myself with. If Time is running low, having more copies of myself would have been wonderfull to help in these tasks... Or finding a way to sneak and disappear arround. Assuming the identify of my sister has fooled some people back in the past, but now it's hard to miss me or impersonate someone else. Speaking of my sister... I miss her... same with my parents. At least, I am happy to see her children and grandchildren strive. My great niece Kindle is a jewel... I pray she becomes a renowned Rootkeeper...

I feel like Meranthe and perhaps the World are going to change again. I do not know if I should thank or curse Ragnarok for making me who I am today.

Either way. You have your page now. I hope this is what you wanted after all of these years. Rest well, wherever you may be now.

Svengalf Sandsker.