2113: The month of Sae
I think this was the day that I finally woke up. Where I started to develop a thing the adults call 'consciousness'. I looked to the left and to the right to find the things that my memory could bring me to remember, and the only thing I found was the empty white walls with butchered toys and straw figurines with no heads, each with marks. I remember how I played with them and acted as if they were my brothers and sisters, and one day they no longer were.
My small hands used to play with them often when I was alone, and it was often playing family with them because I only ever knew my handlers and the keepers of the orphanage. As such, my interactions with the others in the orphanage were minimal. I can recall it well in the main hall with that horrible smell of sloping and rotten pork, but that was all that we had to eat. Either that, or we went hungry for the evening.
My stomach was always in knots because I chose to eat what the adults called 'shit'. And 'shit' was all that was afforded.
And I would only wish that I could eat something more than that.
Some days, I would refuse to eat'shit' so that I could avoid the pains that came with hunger and somehow move on to the next day. But I find the next day harder to play with those figurines and toys and fall into and out of a horrible daze. I slept most days when the smell was too bad. And on the days that it felt tolerable, I ate it.
It never sat with me well.
And it probably never will.
2114: The month of Ios
I don't believe I ever saw what it was like outside. When the adults spoke of it, they always said things about the demons and the Atrellyans, about who went missing in the night and who was recovered but changed. When things got worse, I stopped listening. To imagine such a thing never sat well with me. I often dreamed about what the outside was like, but inside was always the same thing.
Demonic wolves attacked and ate people. Darkness that covered the skies. The blood of both the good and the bad painted everything a horrible color and made the stench worse.
All of this made it sound scary.
I would never want to go outside.
That was until the rich man's came in and told stories—a new thing at the orphanage. They told stories of heroes who fought against the darkness. About the many stars in the sky. About the sun that shined every morning. All of these things brought a smile to my face that soon dispersed into a frown. I knew I would never see the 'outside.' I knew that I was stuck there.
And I am jealous of them—the good and the bad.
They're able to see the things that I can't.
What I'll never see.
2115: The month of Uner
I remember waking up one day from what I thought was a dream. The horrible hands that touched me, marked me, and told me that I was nothing grabbed hold of me, drowning me, dragging me, and roping me into a state of never-ending torment. It spoke words that I would never want to be heard by anyone else.
Their actions against me, they said, weren't personal; I never believed them. Their words were made with disdain and anger, of a sorrow toward something else, and reflected upon me. The abuse that they put me through, the horrible strikes against my person, both physically and spiritually—it all felt personal. As if I were the reason for their torture. As if I were the cause of their lower state of life.
No one believed me when I said that it felt real and that a piece of me was gone forever. No one trusted me when they saw my wrists swollen, my cheeks blackened, and cuts underneath my eyes.
I never wanted to go outside. Now I just wish that I never woke up from a dream. A good dream. If not decent, yet the hands invaded them even then. I want to get out of here. I need to leave.
2116: The month of Leo
Changes.
That was what the stars spoke of: change—something that would come for others but specifically for me in my birth month. Because I always admired the ones that wanted change and aspired for it—the ones that risked their own lives for it. Jokul, Ezra, Lirael, and Ysayl. I remember these people on books and papers when I am able to sneak out of my own room. I remember the joys of them and wanting to be like them.
I also found something else while reading these books—a specific set of cards that had images of the mighty god. The redeemer, the forgiver, was the one who fought to make the realms as balanced as possible. I used to hear the sermons of how their priests did such on transceiver that the 'care' takers had, but it was always minor. It wasn't until I was able to read those precious books that I started learning more about him and the ways he moved. I wanted to be like him. And that was what brought change.
I started to pray to him, hoping that he would hear my prayers. The dreams went away. The nightmares ceased. The people who left me with swollen wrists and cuts vanished. I called it a miracle. I felt safe once again.
I never believed in miracles until that day. And that was when I started pondering the question.
2117: The month of Hiero
If this is freedom, then it is bittersweet; either I was blessed by the mighty god of Aphros or by my own prayers. I was able to be saved from this place to somewhere far, far away. Into a city of gold. With a man that will teach me things that I need to teach, but I can't trust him. Not now, not ever.
But his generosity freed me. I have seen the sun that they spoke of. Of the darkness that comes at night. I have seen the numerous, countless animals, both the violent and the harmless. I have seen coin. I have seen what people actually looked like. I've seen what a 'church' looked like. I have seen it all.
And it was beautiful.
Thank you, Athelios; thank you.
But I still feel so empty.
I think this was the day that I finally woke up. Where I started to develop a thing the adults call 'consciousness'. I looked to the left and to the right to find the things that my memory could bring me to remember, and the only thing I found was the empty white walls with butchered toys and straw figurines with no heads, each with marks. I remember how I played with them and acted as if they were my brothers and sisters, and one day they no longer were.
My small hands used to play with them often when I was alone, and it was often playing family with them because I only ever knew my handlers and the keepers of the orphanage. As such, my interactions with the others in the orphanage were minimal. I can recall it well in the main hall with that horrible smell of sloping and rotten pork, but that was all that we had to eat. Either that, or we went hungry for the evening.
My stomach was always in knots because I chose to eat what the adults called 'shit'. And 'shit' was all that was afforded.
And I would only wish that I could eat something more than that.
Some days, I would refuse to eat'shit' so that I could avoid the pains that came with hunger and somehow move on to the next day. But I find the next day harder to play with those figurines and toys and fall into and out of a horrible daze. I slept most days when the smell was too bad. And on the days that it felt tolerable, I ate it.
It never sat with me well.
And it probably never will.
2114: The month of Ios
I don't believe I ever saw what it was like outside. When the adults spoke of it, they always said things about the demons and the Atrellyans, about who went missing in the night and who was recovered but changed. When things got worse, I stopped listening. To imagine such a thing never sat well with me. I often dreamed about what the outside was like, but inside was always the same thing.
Demonic wolves attacked and ate people. Darkness that covered the skies. The blood of both the good and the bad painted everything a horrible color and made the stench worse.
All of this made it sound scary.
I would never want to go outside.
That was until the rich man's came in and told stories—a new thing at the orphanage. They told stories of heroes who fought against the darkness. About the many stars in the sky. About the sun that shined every morning. All of these things brought a smile to my face that soon dispersed into a frown. I knew I would never see the 'outside.' I knew that I was stuck there.
And I am jealous of them—the good and the bad.
They're able to see the things that I can't.
What I'll never see.
2115: The month of Uner
I remember waking up one day from what I thought was a dream. The horrible hands that touched me, marked me, and told me that I was nothing grabbed hold of me, drowning me, dragging me, and roping me into a state of never-ending torment. It spoke words that I would never want to be heard by anyone else.
Their actions against me, they said, weren't personal; I never believed them. Their words were made with disdain and anger, of a sorrow toward something else, and reflected upon me. The abuse that they put me through, the horrible strikes against my person, both physically and spiritually—it all felt personal. As if I were the reason for their torture. As if I were the cause of their lower state of life.
No one believed me when I said that it felt real and that a piece of me was gone forever. No one trusted me when they saw my wrists swollen, my cheeks blackened, and cuts underneath my eyes.
I never wanted to go outside. Now I just wish that I never woke up from a dream. A good dream. If not decent, yet the hands invaded them even then. I want to get out of here. I need to leave.
2116: The month of Leo
Changes.
That was what the stars spoke of: change—something that would come for others but specifically for me in my birth month. Because I always admired the ones that wanted change and aspired for it—the ones that risked their own lives for it. Jokul, Ezra, Lirael, and Ysayl. I remember these people on books and papers when I am able to sneak out of my own room. I remember the joys of them and wanting to be like them.
I also found something else while reading these books—a specific set of cards that had images of the mighty god. The redeemer, the forgiver, was the one who fought to make the realms as balanced as possible. I used to hear the sermons of how their priests did such on transceiver that the 'care' takers had, but it was always minor. It wasn't until I was able to read those precious books that I started learning more about him and the ways he moved. I wanted to be like him. And that was what brought change.
I started to pray to him, hoping that he would hear my prayers. The dreams went away. The nightmares ceased. The people who left me with swollen wrists and cuts vanished. I called it a miracle. I felt safe once again.
I never believed in miracles until that day. And that was when I started pondering the question.
2117: The month of Hiero
If this is freedom, then it is bittersweet; either I was blessed by the mighty god of Aphros or by my own prayers. I was able to be saved from this place to somewhere far, far away. Into a city of gold. With a man that will teach me things that I need to teach, but I can't trust him. Not now, not ever.
But his generosity freed me. I have seen the sun that they spoke of. Of the darkness that comes at night. I have seen the numerous, countless animals, both the violent and the harmless. I have seen coin. I have seen what people actually looked like. I've seen what a 'church' looked like. I have seen it all.
And it was beautiful.
Thank you, Athelios; thank you.
But I still feel so empty.