Of Sun

[Kal]

I always thought it would be a bit silly for me to jot things down like this, forty years have I travelled this land and not once thought to write down my thoughts.
But I feel now I might need it, for it is hard to truly express how I feel through my makeshift voice, perhaps it is my old self that still lingers within that desires to write.
To aptly describe the pain I feel, I could only really compare it to what I've experienced in the past. From the times where Demon's left me with the scars I carry today.
To watching that which embodied Chaos strike down many of those I held close and the ones they held close to them, from Watching Rajiyah nearly fall alongside others.
To hearing the news that Kurosawa had given up his life to protect a group of Non Magi against a beast of the aforementioned nature. Valiant it was, yet painful to hear.
To the fate of those Like Nata'Phish who were lead astray, or those like Arkeid that signed his soul away for the sake of others, only to be slain for it by those I hold dear.

I could go on and on really, about the losses I've suffered in the past, growing and growing by the day, faces I've seen that can only live on in my mind in my dreams.
Sometimes they torment me in my dreams, or in my thoughts. If I were there I could have saved them, or it could have been me instead of them, their presence on Meranthe still.
But I know it is me tormenting myself, I know that they would not say these things that my mind says to me, or wish these things that I wish had transpired. Machinations of my mind.
But of all the torment that this world has put onto me, that has been born of my own mind, that I have pushed back in the pursuit of a hopeful world, a better world than before.

It is their deaths that hurt the most.
Their deaths that cannot leave my mind.
She weeps and I weep with her.
I feel her tears, as she does mine.

I want to be happy, that despite their passing, they have moved on together, secured a place where they deserve to live out their eternity together, having passed being themselves to the very end and yet, I cannot. I want to focus on the happy times we shared, the lessons they taught me, the inspirations, but my mind will not let me, it denies me the peace I seek.
I want to tell myself that it is but a bad dream, a very long, bad dream. That I will wake up and be able to show her my progress, the completion of my final test under the faith.
That she will be proud of me once more, sing her praises, that she would show that smile that I had always enjoyed seeing. That helped carry me through the days even if difficult.
Yet amongst all this, there is something I fear, an emotion I never thought I would feel, creeping in the back of my mind, trying to grab hold and pull me down with it.

Hatred

It pokes and it prods, towards the ones that killed them, the ones I have faced numerous times, have oft heard about, I feel that lingering hatred just, not unwarranted.
Yet to act on it I feel immoral, for I do not do what I do out of selfishness, but out of love for this land and it's peoples. To act on that impulse would be to throw away my training.
To both of them I would disappoint, if I am to act, it must be for the land, for it's peoples, that which took away those I held dear must not be done away with for my sake.
But for the island as a whole, so that we may live happy and safe, looking towards the brighter tomorrow.

I will have much to do soon, her torch will be passed.
Awash in Her Light I will walk as Chancellor.
And by the will of the one whom I met on the mountain.
Reborn unto me like a phoenix.
The guardian of that which she represents.