A Flower Bed

[Nitsah]

The more I think about it, the more foolish I feel. The thought that I'd put in my years, ensure everything had a stable ground, and then peacefully retire; a sunny balcony, three cups of tea a day, and maybe a cat, though I'm not sure I'd want to take care of anything living after being Queen for so long.

spacer

Time passes, but what changes? It depends on who drives the change, of course. If you leave a flower bed unattended, it doesn't blossom into beauty.

Beautiful as they are, they lack drive. It's broken down and overtaken by weeds.

Such is the problem of beauty.

spacer

I'm happy with my garden.

spacer

spacer

I was happy with my garden.

spacer

It's almost time for everything to blossom. It just needs a little more time. Maybe she would've bloomed even brighter, too, if she'd only had a little more time. She always liked the garden. I think Yvelle would have, too. I made sure there'd be plenty of blue. I hope Raenesa would have, too. I never got to learn her favourite colour, but I made sure there was plenty of white and light pink. I feel like she would have. I'm not sure what Lila would've preferred, she wasn't as interested in gardening as I was. I planted some flesh-eating fly traps for her. That might sound cold, but she was always diligent with hunting down pests. She would've probably found it hilarious, too. Melidoyla. Lirael. Daralis. Jokul. Camino.... Well, they're still alive. It'd be weird to speculate about their favourite flowers when I can just ask. Then again, I'm pretty confident I already know Camino's, but speculation is bad.

I was going to ask her, too. I kept putting it off. She was busy. I was busy. Now, I'll have to speculate on that, too. One inaccuracy only lowers the total faithfulness of the whole by a little. But two? Four? Eight? Two dozen? It's a pain, but we can't do more than our best. It doesn't matter where you draw the line of how accurate is acceptable: a diligent artist will always be bothered by the tiny things nobody else would ever notice.

Then again, it's just a silly little project, anyway.

spacer

But now, I understand why Lirael's never settled down for silly projects. I don't think I've heard her utter the word 'retire' once, either.

Sometimes, I wonder what it all was for. I spent my life fighting to excise evil where it tried to take root. By and large, I'd like to think that my allies and I were quite successful... But now, a generation later, I see it all repeating. The weeds are spreading anew, and their roots are burrowing even deeper than before. At least now nobody can call me paranoid when I said the gutter hadn't changed much with its supposed makeover. As ever, I was right.

Whether it's a world or a garden, it cannot blossom without constant oversight. No matter how beautiful it is, it's a fragile thing. Beauty is fragile, but a disgusting weed is enduring: it runs deep, and it's a pain to pull. It has no fragile petals to worry about, for it exists only to destroy. All we can do is pull them as we see them.

We pull the weeds, they regrow. Pull, pull, pull, grow, grow, grow. It's exhausting. It's unending.

This isn't work for children.

This is work for a gardener.

I need new topsoil. Maybe the whole world does.

Whatever's left of THEM after we're done will suffice.

[Nitsah]

I'm starting to forget things.

spacer

spacer

Not things like where I placed my keys, or the names of my great grandchildren, or to brush my teeth.
spacer

Things like how Yvelle's rare smile looked. The runes we drew on Lila-- what colour were they, again? How did I feel when Estelle first read my fortune? I don't remember the colour of Daralis' eyes, or how Melidoyla liked her tea... Or if she did at all, for that matter. Lirael certainly did, but what kind was her favorite? What was the colour of Natalie's first little Dragon?
spacer

My mind remains as sharp as ever, yet the distant past fades into colourless shapes and events, each only growing blurrier as it gets further and further. I can still make it out, but the fine details are lost. Maybe that's just the nature of being a living thing: specifics from a hundred years ago no longer help the wolf survive, so its attention shifts to the future. Nature is good at little optimisations like that.
spacer

I can't help but mourn what has been, and the fading of those details. I wonder if this is what it's like for you too, Mother Nemea? I feel as if I understand you now, more than ever. It's been so long since you chose me, and the things and people I grieved the most are the ones that remain the clearest: those I meditated on with your prayers and rituals. Only now do I *truly* understand their importance.
spacer

I wonder how much closer I could grow to you if I only had more time. There's one, maybe two decades left before I'll be by your side and get to ask those old questions to your face, though I can't help but wonder...
spacer

What if I had more time?

...What if I could find out?