The Journal of a Liar - Valette Montelione / Naroa DeGray (Deceased)

[Whatever]

I am not proud of what must be stated here. They are going to kill Ember. A woman who still believes me to be her cousin in blood.

I still picture her as that sweet, poor girl who required shelter all those years ago. The one I grew attached to, who suffered the most from my distance. She now has children. She is a Necromancer. But she has still remained kind... A victim of the cruelty and manipulations of those around her. I have failed her in so many ways. I need to do something. I have done something.

She deserves to live... To find redemption in this life...

If the children of Athelios succeed tonight then I will never forgive them for their hubris. Their violation of the sanctity of life. Their prejudice and cynicism. They are no better than the beings who bind lost souls to this life. They wrought misery and toy with peoples lives as though it is their divine right. I reject their moral immunity. Culling and threatening all that defy them. All their actions do is sustain a society that is unworthy of being upheld. Nothing is sacred to them, but their own warped justifications in the name of a being that is unconcerned with our lives.

I begged the Oracle to offer her clemency. He refused me. Not with respect and regret, but with dismission and indifference.

So I offer my prayers to another.

To whatever god may hear me, know that I seek your aid. I pray that many faceless die this night. Take your fill of their souls and deliver Ember to safety. 

I beg this of you.

[Whatever]

I wanted Ember to live. Everyone I spoke with reiterated that she was to be killed for the crime of Necromancy and association with her sociopathic wife, Nekane. Despite Ember being one of the kindest people in my life who seemed so incapable of wrongful intent. After everything had transpired they told me it was a lie to test her loyalty. Part of me suspects Solomon knew of my involvement and spoke those words to illicit a reaction. If they are true, however... Their weight is only held in the moment. I have seen us betray the trust of our allies for momentary gain. In this society you must stand on equal footing, or be trampled beneath their feet. So In a moment of hypocrisy, I retaliated. I conspired with another and sent my prayers into the void to be heard by anything that might hunger for blood.

Whatever god I had awoken helped Vdalion take more lives than I intended.

Sozha is dead. A small part of me pities her, like an all but silent whisper of empathy towards an irredeemable soul. But most of all I feel relief. She was a pupil studying my technique. Now she will be unable to abuse it in this life. I later learned she was Yami's lover, the Servant of Ember who betrayed her trust and lead to this series of events. Is it wrong of me to take a measure of pleasure from what Yami has lost? For what she nearly cost me was great... And her disloyalty and later disrespect was to be justly rewarded. I won't feign to believe this is Karma, for I know chance and circumstance is chaos, dictated only by the orderly flow of time.

But now bystander's litter the street besides the already rotten corpses of the recently necrotic. I could tell myself that it would have happened regardless of my involvement, but I sabotaged their defence by subverting their expectations. It resulted in outright chaos. Poor Elani was captured by the raiding party. She was always kind to me, or at least was not the worst of Aphrosi society. Now they will kill her and trap her soul in a lifeless husk. A fate worse than simple death. Much of the blame rests on my shoulders. I find myself conflicted with emotions as a result. Ember lives free now. No longer to be tortured by the faceless. No longer to be judged by those without a valid moral compass. But she is to be in the hands of those who will tarnish her light. Under the care of Vdalion she may yet become a monster.

If that day comes then I will accept responsibility. I will loathe myself for the consequences of my actions. But until then I will believe she can remain true to herself. I will put my faith in her humanity. She is free to continue walking the path that she chooses. The cause of her actions will hardly be without reason.

I perhaps wonder if I am changing as well.

My impulses are growing more erratic. My mind is becoming... itchy. It was gradual at first, but the sensation grows with my exposure to the portals that I create. I am feeling a sense of liberation and perhaps seduction towards my darker impulses. In many societies Riftmancy is outlawed, for it is a violation of the natural order. It is considered a corrupting magic in those cultures. It is only tolerated in Meranthe due to the tower of Aetius, which has normalised the usage of Portals as a tool to be exploited in the pursuit of knowledge and, above else, power. I do not question why my magic is considered a taboo, but part of me still believes I am above its influences.

And yet... The more I use it... The less concern I show towards what damage it might wrought.

It is... worrisome. 

But I would not give up that sense of freedom for the world.

---

2015

Elani was released by Vdalion. I am told most of their notable Magi wanted her turned into an undead creature. Yet by the word of one above others, she was released. This is good. The weight of one less life rests on my shoulders. I mourn for most of those caught in the crossfire of my selfish desires. I dipped my fingers into the lake and the ripples I wrought disturbed the natural flow of the water. But at least my chosen Kin remains free. A life without freedom is one that is poorly lived. I only wish she could understand that.

The faceless may yet hunt her. But with Sozha's death, Ember is safer. With their internal hypocrisy, one of their very number found to be a Necromancer, my own feelings of resentment feel more justified than they had been prior.

We war against Vdalion for enslaving souls, yet we allow the Faceless to act above the laws of Man and morality without consequences. The Oracle does nothing, or can do nothing. Aphros is a corruption that will attempt to spread at any cost. The lines between right and wrong grow more blurred for me by the day.

I loathe to think perhaps Vdalion succeeding in this war might lead to a brighter future, if certain hands guide the outcome. But the chances are slim. There is no clear path ahead.

[Whatever]

2018

Well, three years is a long time to fail to update a diary. I would apologize, but I would just end up personifying a book. Although, considering I have learned the Necromancers have applied a soul to a blade, such would not be particularly out of the realm of possibility.  Under specific circumstances.

The days I have spent traveling have been long and tiring. Yet, the travels have been a reward upon my soul. To live freely and to follow ones own sense of fulfilment has brought new life into me. I am... untethered, in many regards. The connections that bound me are no more, in a sense. I made peace with a part of myself. I now have a chance to discover who I am and what I wish to leave in this world, once my time is up. I know I wish to see the world, to witness its mysteries. It has been my dream since I first became a bird locked within a gilded cage, of her own choosing. I simply do not wish to understand what I find, for a mystery loses its allure once it becomes mundane.

I just wish to one day explain the impossible sights that I have bore witness to. To show that I am no longer as I once was.

I am no longer that woman who would pretend she could make the world a better place in an unforgiving situation. This world is a dark place, I know this. So I will accept its cruelties while showing a measure of empathy, then do as a bird might when the weather becomes unpalatable. I will leave. But I will not deny myself my wishes. I worry for the ones I will love. For their safety in this world, for how I will disappoint them. I would not deny anyone their chance of self fulfilment. I share that belief with myself.

Will they resent me for leaving to explore far-off lands without them? I think so.

But the greatest kindness I can give my children, one day, is to teach them not to supress their desires. As I had for so long.

I am not Valette Montelione anymore.

[Whatever]

2020

It is a strange feeling to be called intolerant for providing needed guidance, although the word used was far more brush. The damage the hive has wrought has been long lasting. Even after its façade has been lifted by the King of Dal'Thala himself, there remains those still loyal to their proclaimed humanity. Loyal enough to raise them to adulthood under their protection. I had perhaps thought higher of Menagerie, until these conflicts of interest began to show.  Having come so far to put an end to the hive, I cannot help but feel a deep dissatisfaction towards any lingering trace. If we allow them to grow, to feed and inevitably breed, then we may never succeed at their eradication. 

I cannot allow the hive to take more lives, although it is not particularly a benevolent compulsion. I would be lying though if I did not think it satisfying to picture them all dead, especially Hemera's wards. Perhaps I should place a bounty on the hivelings heads. Although that would simply draw unneeded attention towards me.

No, I'll hold off, for the moment. Those I have spoken to agree that any trace of the hive must be purged. Perhaps there might be a way to keep that idea fresh in the minds of these warring parties. Whoever wins should naturally outlaw the creatures existence.

Of that I will attempt to make certain. Those who harbour them should face obvious consequences. 

Fortifications are known to burn.

---

When one helps evil are they to be considered evil themselves, regardless of the good they sought? It is an interesting thought, but I'll avoid the chasm of speculation to save time. 

I find I simply do not care.

I had a delayed meeting recently, where my involvement in an old event was brought up. Naturally Aphros was not pleased. However I feel my actions inarguably came just short of the best outcome. Sozha's ambitions to rule are dead, along with her cruel self, and Ember remains a kind and tempering influence towards Nekane's bloodlust. The only way it would have been better is if Nekane had been captured, but Ember was still rescued and left to live a life unbound from her. I am, however, content with second place.

Left only one option, I would have done it again. Do you really suppose I should have trusted in a nation that believes to lie is a virtue?

One need not pretend that Ember was guaranteed to live. I have had much time to consider the circumstances that lead to that day. Sozha would have jumped at the chance to execute my cousin in front of a captured Nekane, just to satiate her lovers own lust for revenge. Aphros would sweep her corpse under the rug and claim it Athelios's will.

Oh, Logan... You were once a free spirit. Yet you claim you are disappointed in me...
Why have you given up your life to their callous cause?

[Whatever]

2021

More and more my thoughts dwell towards what comes after all of this. My wanderings have been stalled, for the time being. I have obligations to see through. For even a bird must tend to its nest. These restless nights have given me things to consider. I may finally be free from Aphros's influence, but in death I question my fate. To be dragged to the precipice of Helheim and judged by a god I do not devote myself to would seem an unfortunate possibility. I largely consider Athelios to be an uncaring figure who delegates responsibilities that are beneath his notice. Yet, in some ways, I can feel his tug on my soul. I am bound to him in ways I do not fully understand. I dislike the thought of any controlling my fate, let alone something I have tried to reject.

I have possibilities available to me. Some less desirable than others. I do not wish to have my soul bound. I consider that to be an offence against my past lives. I would not be securing my continuance, but rather the enslavement of parts of myself I cannot lay claim to. No, I must think of this objectively. Even a bound soul may be released, in time. In such an event they will be dragged back to where they were stolen from. My only salvation can come in another form. If I am to ensure my safety from the Citadel on the edge, then I must be untethered from Athelios himself.

By whatever means, I must scrub this faceless curse from my soul.

[Whatever]

2025

Where to begin..

I got married a couple years ago. We took far, far too long to see it through. The original plan was to be wed before the Hive Tree in Dal'Thala as Vdalion's siege would burn it down. But then the King of the city had a moment of realization and destroyed it himself. As a second plan, we simply thought to hold a ceremony within Vdalion and invite some friends and family to it. I actually wanted to invite Ember, without the girl being aware of the face I wore. It would have been an amusing thing down the line to eventually mention to her, but we kept putting it off and the situation just never presented itself.

So instead, one day, in the middle of Vdalion's square, Shaggard whispered to me that he was, in fact, a priest. In a strange but charming moment, we stood before the entire city and exchanged hushed whispers.

No one was aware they had just been guests to our subtle wedding.

I'm a mother now. Although I already was before the wedding. I still cannot believe it. Sometimes I feel such a strong sense of imposter syndrome. I feel like Valette, holding someone else's child. Pretending to be a mother. Those moments are fleeting, however. I chose these children. I wanted to bring life into this world, to replace what I might have taken. It is a heavy burden to place on children. This world is a cruel place and the moments of hope can be scarce. But I will love them and I will teach them to pursue what brings them joy. Their happiness is all I hope for.

I just want them to live freely.

A deal has been struck. Or, it is on the cards. A blessing to cleanse Athelios from my system. It is no small thing. Part of me feels the might of a Nephilim to be wasted on me, the agnostic that I am. But it is the most accessible means of accomplishing this goal. I thought about it for a moment and decided to write to the Oracle of Aphros, Logan, to confess what I am. This was a move my younger self would have shied away from with the vigour of a stray cat avoiding a particularly deep puddle in the street. But I will confess further that it had taken a burden off my chest. I don't know what consequences will come from this. Perhaps nothing. 

It is such a conundrum, but within Vdalion I feel safe. I never had in Aphros...

[Whatever]

2086

I was rummaging through my old things and I found this journal. I had forgotten about it. Forgotten about much of its contents. It seems many memories have become lost to me. Reading my own words feels like the imaginings of a stranger. I changed, but that is hardly unique to me. I would like to believe I healed my wounds and grew from hardship, but my own perspective is a biased one. Perhaps whatever awaits me will judge me from an impartial perspective. 

I was never a perfect person, rather I was and remain deeply flawed. I have failed in so many ways. Yet would I have strayed from this path I walked? I'm not sure...

The last of my belongings have been packed away. My treasured baubles will go to a few select people. A lifetime of memories contained in strange cultural artifacts. It is funny, but despite traveling so far in my lifetime, I have hardly seen a thing. I have been to the edge of the world, only to find it keeps going. Further and deeper into the miasma of a mystery I will never get the chance to solve. For that would be a collaborative effort and it is generations too soon. 

Perhaps in my next life I will maintain the adventurers spirit. Although I pray it is a kinder, more humble life.

I have sealed my home off from the planes, in effect turning into my tomb. The Serum is about done brewing now. The fumes are enough to make me light headed, but that is a good sign. It means the effects will be quick. Not many have the choice of deciding how they go. It has been a long and rewarding life, for all of its faults. I look forward to what comes next. I am grateful I can have that outlook.

There are so many old faces that I am overdue a reunion with. It is time to pour my last lonely cup of tea.

I am at peace with my choice.