Questions and Answers

[Blue]

The Self.

These ideas have been fervently drilled into my head as far back as I can remember. In order to become a better person, one needs to search within their very soul in order to push forward and see just how far one can get. I need to live my life to the fullest so I can experience all that life has to offer, but I must tiptoe carefully so as not to find myself tumbling into the endless dark abyss that I wouldn't be able to escape from. I've found that I like the tedious and yet monotonous job of mining through this quest of mine; the cramped quarters buried beneath the earth soothes my world-weary soul and I find myself lost in the valuables I'm able to collect.

Beyond paying off this debt, I unfortunately have little need for money for right now. But it's nice to have, like a cushion that's sat under me in case of emergencies. Something that is my own, and earned by my own hand. Many have offered to give me money to help with the debt but I've refused them all, as it doesn't feel fair. Is it foolish to deny it when I know what lays in store for me should I fail, or is my desire to see this corrected by my own hand the more noble move?

Bit by bit I'm learning more. I've learned what a 'tweak' is, and I've smoked my first cigarette. It wasn't great, but I still tried it so I could say in the end that yes I've tried all of these things. I want to experience more and more so then at the End, I can offer these to Him with my entire heart.

I never tried to keep a diary before and so I hope I'm doing this correctly. Perhaps by writing down my thoughts, I'll be able to explore more of not just the world but the true self that lays within as well.

[Blue]

The Civilization.

The tenets state that civilization is something every participant outside of hermits and isolationists should work to uphold. To see it protected and held sacred, a collective of mortals is able to do things far surpassing anything a single individual is capable of performing. Yet at the same time, the larger a civilization is, there is an exponential increase to it's capacity of doing good or evil. So atrocities that seem impossible on paper can occur with a large enough civilization.

This is what happened to Aphros, I'm afraid. Not just that, but so many forgot this most important tenet. Helheim fell to Chaos under the Warden's loving care, and I fear that many took advantage of the inherent order that Aphros provided. To the point they became too lazy to want to protect it. They had grown content with the status quo and now it's been shattered into a million pieces. It's difficult to salvage and even harder to repair properly. You cannot take tape to it, nor can you take glue. You need resin to hold this civilization together properly, and I feel as if it's my duty to find this resin to hold our civilization together. We had been unique; we took in the souls that others found without redemption. We offered solace against the darkness as we stood right upon the precipice of it, dangling by a singular string.

But throughout the years we had always held steadfast and strong. We were always stronger united and yet something in these most recent years has fractured that unity. The inherent hierarchy in any civilization should be respected... But at the same time, any single soul that threatens this stability can bring about ruin. This is reflected within Aphros' falling, and our people's subsequent running. We're in disarray. It worries me, as when civilization falls does it threaten the balance of the World.

I feel torn, as I need to figure out who it is that threatened our careful stability. We had always been a rock within the times of darkness standing out against the likes of Misfortune's Coven time and time again, against Death Magi and Necromancers, against Hivekin and Giants. What happened? Times and names have changed. It's no longer Misfortune's Coven, there are dozens of them, being allowed to take root and sew seeds of discontent and darkness. Hivekin are no longer an issue, and Vdalion is gone. But the problems remained and yet we had remained resolute.

So what happened, Aphros?

It's time to wake up.

[Blue]

The World.

There are many things I must learn about this world, still, and every day seems like a new lesson on something or another. When to speak up, where to speak up at, things like that. If the Oracle is sure of her choice then I need to learn quicker. I know I'm not the monster that some seem to have come to view me as, though I'm wondering if I'm also the hero that others view me as. I know what heroic deeds I've done, but I also know that if it was not me then surely - surely! - another would step up in my place just as well. Perhaps this is yet another lesson and test that I must undergo from Athelios himself, to find the careful balance between monster and hero.

The tenets state that it is everyone's duty to stem the tide of chaos within this world, that it is akin to an infection - a blight - that must be expunged with haste. Witchcraft and necromancy are all things which need to be relieved of this world, and while some believe Occultism is of the same vein, I naturally disagree. I have seen the wonderful things occultists have been able to achieve against the Fel which the world unites against. Many of our Oracles have been Occultists, and even some of our strongest warriors have held occultism. This does not mean there isn't an inherent threat when an Imperfect arises, however, but that's something to worry about when that does happen.

Yet despite our general agreement that the Fel must be expunged, we continue to bicker and fight amongst ourselves. We disagree on many things and this goes beyond faith or culture. It divides us, in terms of what to do with some unknown that possesses a young girl. Is the young girl herself evil incarnate, committing acts of mischief on her own, or does the spirit - The Servant - encourage her to do these things? Where does it come from? We are distracted by these things, while Skarnfel aims its sights against the Citadel.

I have no authority there. No power. I'm not part of their forces and I recognize that.

But even so, I need to be there in order to ensure a bastion of light is not snuffed out by something forcing the cap upon its candle to extinguish the flame. I am willing to lay my life on the lay to ensure not just my people are safe, but all of mankind. It's what Athelios would want, no?

[Milly]

The Beyond.

I will be judged when I die.
Most people believe this, but I know this is a fact and it has been drilled into me ever since I was little. When people die they go to the realm they are most suited for, and most believe only monsters and demons and witches go to Hel - but so will I. For it is already pre-ordained I will go to Hel, and join Athelios' side, where I will be judged and He will determine if I'm brought back to begin life anew, or to be given the chance to stay.

On one hand, both seem promising but on the other hand both seem terrifying.

I have never been to Hel, at least I don't think so. Will it be comforting like returning to a warm house when winter is upon us and snow drifts inhibit one's steps? Or will it be entirely foreign to me? Will it change me, if I remain there? Or will I be found unworthy to remain and sent back to Meranthe to begin things again - that is something equally as terrifying as remaining in a realm that I can only dream of.

I have tried to live my life to the fullest, and I have tried to do things that have been right and just even if it's put me at odds with quite a few people. But sometimes within the stillness of the night and there are no other sounds I wonder if it's enough. Have I done enough to satisfy a Primordial that sought out the best within souls, that sought out to redeem those society saw as irredeemable? Am I enough?

I have pushed, and pushed and pushed for my beliefs and what I believe is right, and even as I've been knocked down repeatedly I've merely gotten back up and continued. But is that - will that - be enough for Him?

[Milly]

The Question.

The ultimate exploration of everything.
The very tenet that I was made created born to answer, and to pose onto humanity.

When is a soul too far gone? What is the precise cosmic formula to achieve perfect order? No one knows - not even I know, despite my close faith with Athelios. But certainly, we can try to get close to the truth. We can examine and come up with our own truths and our own opinions over time, but none of us ever truly know what that formula is. Is it seeking redemption, and atonement? Is it paying for the lives that have been ruined by the thousands, and the homes and cities destroyed and caught ablaze by what you've done? Or is it coming to terms with what you've done and accepting that no one is perfect - but everyone can strive to be better going forward.

That's what I believe, anyway.
Perhaps when I die and go back to Hel, Athelios will slap the shit out of me and tell me how wrong I am. How every step I've done has been wrong - even though I know he won't. I have fought against the things that I've viewed as wrong - a Necromancer being kept safe and sound within Gloomlight, the revival and cleansing of the Imperfect Na'Ria, the ascension of Catildre as a being of pure chaos and discord, even RISE. But then, I pose myself questions. Hard questions, to test my own knowledge and faith: Is the knowledge of Necromancy itself sinful, or is the act? If Necromancy isn't performed, is it still a sin? Is offering freedom of choice and a path to be able to do better to Demons who wish for it a sin?

But, much like The Question, there isn't an actual answer to this. It's only opinions. Opinions, opinions, opinions.

The only thing that I can truly hope and pray for ultimately? Is that when I die, and I join Athelios at his side, he finds that I've achieved my own version of perfect balance and order. That I mirror him in the only way that I, Ezra, can. Because in the end, that's all we can do - achieve our own balance.

Ad astra per aspera.

[Milly]

It is cold.

But maybe, just once, for old time's sake.

In twilight's embrace,

Whispers fade, shadows linger,

Life's echo departs.