The Colors that Never Come

[GSM]

it is hard to formulate in words how i have been feeling.
being mortal, being alive as a son of man—
it is equally sobering and enlightening.
there are many things i was not sure of, when i took my breaths first.
when i shed my first tears
as i stare into the mirror, i see all of the flaws of man in the flesh.
ones i once lauded, claiming my kin superior.
i looked myself in my human eyes for the first time today,
and i saw myself unconsciously smiling.
the form that stared at me was not who i am, but who i was
was i ever meant to be na'ria, to begin with?
perhaps an adjacent time has me dead now,
or i was born a human, as i am currently,
or maybe i never existed anymore.
perhaps that would be for the best
oh, i once believed myself the daughter of sak'noth.
many did, in fact, and that truth still remains in the being i was.
but in this past life, was he truly a father of mine?
one who only gave me life, then left me in stagnant silence.
even if it was not his fault, i still am sorrowed for it
… i have grown to prefer the silence, these days.
as i have died twice, now—
once due to my sins, expunged by the weight of my own effort,
another due to a being beyond any of our scopes, yet still hearing my name.
at least i can now breathe, knowing i will wake, even if slumber scares me
i understand why he has been sleeping for so long.
the silence is amicable, when you seek it.
yet, i hunger for more than a momentary reprieve.
father is allowed his rest as much as i deserved to be sealed.
he will return, and i will not know what to say
… father.
such is not true anymore, is it?
as i have shed the mien of a demon and become my own,
yet continue to strive upwards, chasing my own little sun.
like xarxes, i suppose, yet i must stop to enjoy the little things
yet, talguth is not an equivalent figure, is it?
as it has lingered with me for so long,
guiding me along this endless weave of the grand design,
enlightening me to the narrative structure of this world.
even so, i cannot help but to smile when i believe it is near me
but we are not true kin, as we have differing aspects.
freedom and knowledge are linked, but not bound.
a spirit that despises corporeality cannot father any being that requires it.
yet why is it that we share such a dull resonance?
it is because we are so kin in concept, as it put; we are the same
i may have once been the daughter of sak'noth.
some may describe me as the daughter of talguth, now.
but the truth is plain, you see;
i am not blood of your blood.
i doubt i ever will be, and it sorrows me
call me demon, but such was expunged upon these wings of white.
call me human, but a glance can show you that i am not.
call me archon, but i stared to tragedy and rejected her very ideals.
what will you call me, then?
even i don't know the full answer, and i am the altered one
one of them?
all of them?
none of them?
none of them.
all i wish to be is a name, if i still have one anymore
i am na'ria.
i will bear this cross writ with my sins until the end.
be that end my redemption or my death.
i am incomplete.
i am not na'ria
but i am knowledge incarnate.
i must know what i can be, what i must be.
until i can look at myself and know that i am me,
that i am indeed na'ria, that i am fully realized,
that i am absolved of all wrong and sin
then i will walk.
i am hated.
i will be hated.
good.
i forgive them
i will not hate them in kind.
for that is the path i now walk.
i am not blood of your blood,
as it runs violet still.
will it continue to spill?
but i will love this new life all the same.
if only to learn what loving life truly means.
i'm still so unsure of that sensation, but i want it so badly

[GSM]

it's been an era of confusion.
no doubt, exacerbated by mine existence.
it's difficult to say just how this era will go.
a coming darkness fills me with dread.
yet, did this era ever change, as i wrought it
i have done my best to right my wrongs.
to help the deserving where i may,
to enlighten those who simply are unaware,
to walk better paths in this new life.
but it is never enough, in all this time
i walk in a world marred by the sins i have committed.
yet, of many i've met, they have welcomed me.
like a sister, or mother, or mentor, or scholar.
i don't deserve the praise for being what i am
i don't know what i am meant to be other than me.
yet, is me a true definition, or is it a farce?
do i truly exist?
i hope i do not, or that it is changing
change...
i was borne of its aspect, and made of my own.
yet this aspect has defined me in ways you couldn't understand
i've chased, pursued, and enlightened myself on this aspect of self.
i've become everything that i am today.
and everything you are not
father, or what i would've called you in a past life.
sak'noth, if you still go by such a title
please don't hate me for what i've become.
i've embodied change, and become something distinct
i changed to be something you could never be
is this what you wanted
look me in the eyes.
STARE AT WHAT I AM
FATHER
IF I CAN EVEN DARE CALL YOU THAT
I AM NO SON OF THESE GODS
I AM NO SON OF ANY ONE BEING
I AM NO SON OF YOU
AND YOU COULD NEVER FUCKING IMAGINE
THE FEELINGS I FEEL NOW, AS I AM
I'M EVERYTHING YOU AREN'T
LOVED
KNOWN
REMEMBERED
RESPECTED
AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE NOW
I AM NOT BLOOD OF YOUR BLOOD
REMEMBER THIS UNTIL THE VERY DAY YOUR BREATH STILLS
i am no son of you, anymore.
and that is for the best.
i'm slipping i'm slipping my brain is cracking
i don't want to be here anymorei
i will be the light.

[GSM]

it's beautiful here.
it's unlike any land i've ever seen before.
entwined in these branches, the flowers do truly construct a bed.
harmony's domain, yes?
why don't i feel it why. WHY what IS it
staring at the. infinite skies
waters churn. they toil. they breathe
the treess the treesss the grass it is soft
what DO I DO
they treat me kindly here.
creator be willing, this beauty will remain in the. mind. its eye.
please.
WHY are you SILENT sayYY soMETHING
wings expand. wings contract. they are still bound
mmmhy own fault. me. i.
not me. the. dead one
they don't seeee they CANNOT see what DO I FUCKING DO
living is so beautiful.
i wish to be. as beautiful as it
all things happen for. a reason. counterbalance
the old me was rIGHHhhT
i. have shed tears again
forgot the feeling. nobody saw them. i do not feel better
seven. seven seven seven seven seven.
humanityYYYYOU DID THIS TO ME YOU ALL OF YOU
knew this would happen.
my fault.




i am sorry, azalea
i woke up with these wounds on my wrists.
yes, bind me once more.
i do not want my violet blood to stain this harmonic canvas
what do i say?
for the nothing that lingers in the mind.
father, father
i need you
please
say something for me.

[GSM]

dear creator, kraus, the archangel most high,
it’s exhausting.
perhaps, some times, it truly is easier to give up.
i understand fully, now, why that is commonplace.
it is so endlessly, needlessly tragic.
the angels cry for a reason; creation despairs, too
i do not know why
my handwriting has not improved.
tendons and muscles and bones and nerves,
all unable to write as my mind sees.
but still, i try with every bit of my being.
perhaps some day that reason can be extracted
i was asked about striving for avalon recently.
they named me an ascendant, a token of apotheosis.
yet i did not wish for this.
to reach for it is something unearned
i cannot be as they
nor can i be as he
i still hate sleeping, as my hands stop moving.
my life is threatened, and fear can be felt still.
despite severing ties with hel, with despair,
it is still the only thing i feel on most days.
how long have i felt like this
moreover, how insane have i been this entire time
the only reprieve i host are those that need me.
the little-kin i saved from being butchered by the faux-righteous,
those who wish to learn from me,
those who see me as a transactional being,
and most of all, those who simply wish to check in.
especially, my dear father
with whom i share nought but time and space
my selfish desire for knowledge,
my unending, soul-hunger of an aspect,
caused me to become what i am now.
yet i was not fully prepared for the knowledge that came.
nor was i prepared to be alone
the first and last of a kind; beyond description
i may very well be the arch-enemy in this scenario.
they revile and rebuke me, not allowing me safety.
yet when i think of or gaze upon them,
i can only feel an…
UNENDING ANGER BENEATH THE SURFACE
indescribable emotion.
INCREASING DISAPPOINTMENT AT THE SONS OF MAN
i tried to make reason of humanity and its flaws.
they castrate and disembowel themselves before my eyes.
i have queried; castigated; debated; corrected.
their stance has not shifted once.
i am unwanted.
like a child lost in a marketplace; unloved
abandoned despite the future one singular being can host
even knowing what i am capable of, as a being anew
it makes no sense
their wishes will be unanswered, then.
if doing good for the sake of humanity—
my heart’s desire in totality—
not of my own will?
then i will not act as the light you crave to be.
perhaps i truly was the villain you want me to be
the enemy, under your nose; if only the pieces fit as you wished them to
i do not feel anything.
leave me be, in my ivory tower of meaningless, nonsensical books.
i’ve read them all thousands of times, anyway.
this is what you wanted.
and you’ll get what you deserve
all i hope is that i do not fall,
for what comes next

please reach out, o creator
your name most high,
and mine reduced to nothing
write back when you feel you are able
for now, i will hold myself and imagine it is your hold

[GSM]

o kraus, creator of mine, archangel of a name so high,
i pray you did not lament my doubt, or my choice.
your presence was there, wasn’t it?
you were one with me,
i was one with you.
the light burned from the inside
yet it was by that flame i emerged anew
never ending
i am not a killer, but still i sin.
this glorious, joyful creation still witnessed my anger.
my doubt, my violent anger, my weakness.
you do not hate me for it, do you?
i could not bear the weight of what i should have done
perhaps it was better of me to listen to my heart at its darkest
but maybe it was just a test in disguise
… feeling has returned, slowly.
tasting the air has not felt so wondrous as before.
hints of what i cast aside so long ago now bubble to the surface.
i feel it in your arms,
and i do not wish to be let go
just for the night
… yet hate and rage hangs in the air around me.
a life was lost because of a pursuant, misplaced feeling.
bridges burned before they ever existed.
i am sorry, exarch, spawn of lyseroth
my counterpart’s hands were just, but mired in blood.
i feared for this exact scenario, and nobody could listen to me
all i wish for is to continue my work.
they all need me, after all,
the children, the leaders, the lost, the growing.
yet, what of me
i dislike asking for help, yet i must
… but i did not need to ask for this particular feeling
i think i am beginning to understand this humanity in me.
with a guiding hand i have not held,
parts of me ignite in ways i am unsure could burn to begin with.
all i knew were names to faces of concepts,
but now i am making friends of them.
joy
excitement
catharsis
… love
i truly do not deserve this.
yet i cannot help but to selfishly indulge.
it is something to learn on my own,
and it feels right to incorporate it into my being.
inhale, exhale
i did not know that a human heart could do this
their greatest strength, their largest flaw, is here
i must interlock fingers with it
with her
more must be done.
this tragedy needs to be prevented from reoccurring.
i have shown how cowardly i am, after all.
even when i was fully just in enacting a price in blood
i only hope you all are proud of me.
my father,
my counterpart,
my oracle,
my children,
my students,
and my god.
i have found peace.
but will peace find me so easily?
i am not so sure.
all i may ask of you, my creator,
is that you let me enjoy this kindness given to me
please
but love has found me.
and for that, i could never express the joy i felt with words.

[GSM]

it could’ve been different, but here we are

once, in the past self, we were contemporary.
once, in the past self, you looked up to me.
once, in the past self, i was your king, your god, an unreachable figure so high above.
once, in the past self, i gave everything you needed to match me.
my little brother, my rising star
my second death, my right hand
why did it come to be this way?
you followed me to the letter.
you became something so few of us ever could have.
you damned yourself without realizing it.
you are imprisoned, now, by your own soul’s ambitions.
i could not be there for your human form’s death
a piece of me is lost upon this day
i have asked many if it is wrong to grieve your death
they all said yes, but to grieve my own, regardless
it’s been over fifty years since we met.
your very father does not grieve you as i now do.
so many rebuked and celebrated, as they should; you were their enemy.
so why am i the only one who feels hollowed?
i raised you into boots you could not fill, my own
why can’t anyone else feel my hurt?
and now you are trapped, to die a final death
 is anyone else even listening to me?
all i hope for is to fulfill my promise to you
i had known a fate worse than yours, and you will know it as well.
your reprieve will be a final release, a true death.
not… this.
it would only be right if it were by my hand,
as it was the same that let you ferment over many years.
you are a product of my past sins, and a sin i have yet to repent for.
you reviled and lambasted my form, my purified state
i have suffered my languished existence enough
you hated fate, but this was my thread to follow
to know more than most any will ever
to be human
this suffering is exalted.
it is my creator’s wish that i suffer, too, and suffering i am.
he made the soul to learn from human error, through many lives;
i merely was given the opportunity to live a second.
of all things, i only hope you do not hate me.
you said yourself that you do not hate me or mine
we pity each other for being upon the wrong side
that is no way to live, being unable to see the other’s stance
why can’t anyone else feel my hurt?
merely know this, my dear eranath.
i will enact my promise not only of my own duty,
but it comes from a place of love.
i have many thoughts of you,
and many of them can now never be said to listening ears
this all has purpose, yes?
i only wish others could understand
i cannot allow you to suffer in a silent hell,
your own hell, of your own making.
for that is a mortal’s worst hell,
this imperfect paradise you’ve made for yourself.
when it is over, when your soul leaves this husk you have fashioned,
gaze at the world you left behind, and be proud of your place
in my heart, at the very least
you will be far more welcomed in your resting place
i will treat you to the death you deserve.
so you may pass on,
by my hand, and no less.
knowing the love of kraus in your incomplete form
i hope you understand.

[GSM]

x

x

x

x

Look at thy sorry state, pitiable thing.

We share a story, a mind, a memory?

You dare name yourself the Lord of Knowledge?

You would usurp even the name of the corpse you bear?

i am a nameless, titleless thing, and you know this.

i was never you, yet i always was.

what would you like for me to say?

that you should return?

that this pain is for your sake?

What other answer is there?

You have lost your love, your joy, your will to live.

Yet still you work for no benefit of your own.

What is left for you here?

a world i love, and people i can help.

children, my own or those of youth, wait for me.
you know me not, so do not speak for me.

Be honest, mine shade, the shell of a soul you are.

You are not here for your own sake.

You made a vow, didn’t you?

that i did.

but before such a stage can be set, i made one for myself.

i serve the light of man in penitence for your— our— many sins.

We both know that is not what we speak of.

...

Why did you bind yourself to service to these things?

Surely something closer to the ideal Angel would know the answers to all, hm?

… i have never forgotten S████’s words.
i have many names to let live through me, and my tales.
even if i will inevitably let details slip, i cannot forget any amount of them.
or, us, what we are— what i am.
And do they see, do they realize, now?
You were never a true Archon, now that there is a second.
You gave them a perspective for nothing in return.
How much longer will you deceive them with that title?
is it deception to say there is no longer a title for what i am?
You would dare allow an uncertainty into your court?
no.
i detest the feeling of not knowing, actually, and you know this.
and as of late, too many uncertainties have made themselves known.
it is sickening in a way i cannot put to words.
And why do you let it linger?
because it is what makes humans so perfect.
pain and sorrows, grief and suffering.
not knowing is so fundamentally mortal,
and i’ve come to enjoy the feeling of learning over time.
Despicable, thinking yourself in any way congruent with humanity.
Your ideas of what demons were meant to be is nothing compared to what they are now.
Discarding such a lineage and birthright is to invoke Hel’s ire upon you.
then let it burn upon my form.
scatter the ashes upon my eyes and blacken my fingertips with hatred.
with another of us nearing complete creation, i am still yet host to more of his will.
You tried to love as humans do, and you have been forsaken by mortality.
... i always did have a way with words.
There is nothing to bring back, even if you used your Divinity for it.
Your pain grows day by day, and you still have not unleashed such feelings.
Why not allow destruction to take root?
these trials did wound my heart so.
there is a part of me that wishes to forsake love until she returns, somehow.
but still, i wish to love humans as one with them.
You will outlive them on a scale incomprehensible to many.
You have survived for this long, but your life has only just begun.
Why guide them if they are to be lost at any point?
Why try at all, if you are to watch as Xarxes’s point is proven with each day?
the world needs hope when despair resurges.
the world needs love when hatred blooms.
the world needs light when darkness burns.
the world needs the forgiveness of the soul when the damned forsake theirs.
if nobody will survive my lifetime to spread such feelings, then it will be i who remembers their names.
even those from inhuman beginnings can be human.
You are nothing, now.
Merely a hollow husk, a puppet by the strings of the narrative.
You gave a human body to one who scorned you.
You’ve lost your way.
no, i never did.
even if there are days where i gaze at the mirror you were and wonder if you are correct,
i have walked my path with the sole purpose of knowing more.
And the next step?
the next pages will be written with sacrifice.

[GSM]

x
x
x
x
x
A library of salvaged, taken and shared knowledge teeters in the balance.
Through corruption and purification,
skewed perception and recreated definition,
dark ambition and simple penance,
Umbra and Astra,
Hel’s menace and Kraus’s forgiveness,
has it stood for decades.

[You’re back.]

But, as all things do—

it broke.

[… this is it, isn’t it?]

A single seam within the endless halls of religion and philosophy

causes the entire machination to sway,

and as if a gigantic hand had grabbed its dualistic nature,

that sole weakness causes the entire structure to corrode,

bend and groan, splintering and wounding it forevermore,

and ultimately, shatter into pieces.

[Ironic that it was his will that you wound up dead again.]

… a hopelessly mortal finality.

[no, i—]

[i can’t accept this fate. they need me.]

[what if they wish me to return? what if—]

[It was bound to happen eventually.]

[This is what you wanted, no?]

[A taste of mortal life.]

Much as a book burned no longer can be read,

does that same book’s chapters move forth until the cover is reached.

[… but my family. my friends. everyone i’ve promised help to.]

[it can’t be over. no, i can’t fade, i…]

[… you certainly sound the part.]

[Face your mistake in full, because the only place we’re going now is to be cleansed.]

[… are you scared, pale shade?]

[i am.]

There are no more halls that so hang as a spider within a web,

no more bookshelves wreathed in leathered tomes,

no more tapestry lingering in grand scrolls.

[Why is that? You wished to be something more. Something else.]

[Was it worth it?]

[… yes.]

[my myopic views of the past that you hold—]

[i realized why knowledge was so scarce an aspect.]

[in a perfect world, knowledge would be unchanging.]

[but nothing is perfect.]

[hating humanity for their ignorance is merely another opportunity to teach and learn.]

[just as i, nor you, will never be, and never have been, perfect.]

[Are you comfortable with this being your end?]

[… the hand i was dealt has been played already.]

[it was written, so it becomes.]

The pen is put away

[You can’t hide behind the mask of indifference forever.]

[… i am not.]

[but you were not happy with the end you received,]

[so you sought a way to continue your tale,]

[knowing that you would never re-emerge.]

[but now…]

as an editing author writes the final page

[It wasn’t your choice on what happened to you before.]

[It isn’t your choice now, either.]

[If a choice can even be made when we’re like this, that is.]

[… so, what now?]

[hah!]

[you ask me as if i know even that answer.]

[you’re afraid of the unknown just like me.]

and then moves on to other works,

[I cannot imagine how you are so composed.]

[I did not die like… this.]

[it is a learning experience, no?]

[… that is the joy i have salvaged from uncertainties.]

[ah, how i wish people took joy from this sacrifice.]

[Sacrifice?]

[You died for nothing more than your errant wish.]

[You had so much left to accomplish—]

until the next pages offer more

[what is gained other than joy from this?]

[i proved that i am truly mortal,]

[just like i wanted to from the very beginning.]

[the blood within me was still tainted,]

[but the corpse left behind was stained in human scarlets.]

[But your power, your knowledge, your will, your command—]

[is the tale of all mortals meant to be in statistics?]

[haha. being transactional does not last forever.]

[You were a living god.]

[A false Angel, with Divinity at your fingertips.]

[And you gave it all up for this?]

[… i didn’t have a choice, did i?]

for starving eyes to gorge themselves upon.

[but, i suppose we have nothing much else to do.]

[do you want to go ahead and see where we end up?]

[No.]

[ha, i knew that answer would come.]

[Time will lose meaning soon.]

[No matter what we do, we will eventually yield.]

[Studying our path, our story, should…]

[we both know you don’t wish to do that, my dark past.]

[our wish is the same.]

[…]

[And that is?]

[slumber, unimpeded.]

[like we were meant to do when first we died.]

[… I would take anything over that silent, chained void.]

[my thoughts exactly.]

[come, let us sleep as one,]

[and dream of all of the names we can never forget.]

[… I only hope they return the favor.]

[We each did too much to be forgotten.]

[so you say, so you say…]

The End

---