Deep Wounds that will not heal up

[Lung]

I've already felt a lot of pain in my life, really, and of all kinds, but the only one I couldn't handle was the mental one ... it's strange that I can handle a giant weight, tearing my fibers, and not feeling so much but a bad memory is able to end my day... the brain is the only muscle hard to heal. 

I have a good memory about much stuff, but some of them? i keep away for a reason, they keep being a bad influence to me and my trainning, i cant do nothing right so i had to seal them. but now and then i find myself flogged by them. when I'm at the lowest point, its hard to not think about it.
-Phalanx

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Memory fragment
Nº: ???
Year:1821
Location: Cadarça, Recruit trainning camp number 4
Moment that make awoke: Silverwall  Attack, Meia death/crucifixion
Level of impact: Worrisome.

Current status: Stable.

---

What do you do? when you dont fit on the world, in any place. you keep looking for a place to fit? you give up and try to live anyway? perhaps you even find a place where you fit. But phalanx? he dont have that luck, and he choosed live anyway even that leading a harsh life.

After 7 teachers, experienced magis that protect cadarça as Council members, phalanx find himself in his last chance to learn a magic that he can use with his melee style, another attempt in vain of course, but this one would create something bad, that he would carry for a long time.

 On the training camp, phalanx finds himself on the ground covered in light bruises, while his mentor, lain, is standing facing him, still deciding whether he would be a lost cause or not, even if he doesn't like it he would use one last method to see if phalanx could use shadow magic after all, given all the pressure he was until that momment.

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After that quick spar, that was not even a challenge for lain of course, phalanx hoped the heat of battle would make him start cast shadows like lain said, but that not happen, in a rush, lain apply series of shadow claw attacks, despite phalanx was holding with his iron body, that only made lain in a huge rampage, he dont waited for the barrier end, but instead attacked until end. eventually phalanx was not able to hold and took all the blows until he is put on ground.

 He observes phalanx, not feeling a single manifestation of shadow manipulation. The boy is useless, he was the last one who could find a magic he could use, and in the end, was like all the other ones, he thinks about a way that may give him a incentive, even though it is not a well-regarded method.

"Well phalanx, looks like you're not able to use shadow magic too, you know what that means? its time to give up." He starts to provoke him and will not stop.
(Lain)
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 On the floor, covered with cuts, and coughing up some blood, phalanx looks down at his mentor, slightly disappointed in himself, was this his last chance and still nothing? he still wouldn't accept that his dream was going to end like this, He gets up, still covered in pain and makes an effort to stand up while talking to his mentor.

"Please... its my last chance, i think if i train more i will get it, dont give up on me yet." He has with his hands on the thighs, fighting to not fall.
(Phalanx)
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  Plead?, Not good, he would really have to get it right where it hurts. "Dont make me laugh, i saw all i needed, you dont have value for me the way you're now, get out of my sight." He rolls his lower boddy and with a spin kick, he pushes phalanx to ground again. "Look at you, you cant be a silver sentinel, you dont have magic like most of the others, you dont have any striking feature, what make you think i should expend more time with you." He look at him on ground while moves his head. "Give up, its my last warning."
(Lain)
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 He was right, all phalanx did until now was cultivate a hate for himself that grows every day, after remember that he lets all that rage flow, in a explosion of emotions he gets up and Aims a uppercut right into Lain chin. "RUAHHHH" he could not even said words he was too much blinded to think right.
(Phalanx)
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Yes, that was lain wanted He could feel the anger of phalanx molding his body not only as emotion but as a booster. he expeted some shadow forms into that blow, he dont dodged, he just observed while phalanx came closer and closer.
(Phalanx)
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But nothing came, he blow his lain chin and make his head move, even with that, was not a close hit to make him feel somet... what? bleed? his nose is bleeding? what phalanx did?? that was only a common puch, how did that managed to hurt lain, he looks at his hand, now red by the impact of the blow. Was that a not common blow? his head was confused. He looks at lain... He is not with any expressions.
(Phalanx)
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 Moments of strange silence, it seems like an eternity with phalanx breathing hard and lain bleeding from the nose without saying anything. a burst of shadow magic was deal and all phalanx surrounds were darkened, with shapes human-like clones were made, attacking him and throwing him on wall, on ground for a whole minute. Lain was angry, he did not saw what he wanted, and his garbage still made him split some blood, even nothing serious, his pride was hurt and he needed to release his fury in the closest person. in that case phalanx...

After a whole minute of beat he stops the shadows attacks and stare at phalanx. "Never come near me again, or i will make more than just use you as a ball and play with my shadows." He turn his back and leaves the camp while phalanx is on ground.
(Lain)
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His last chance of leaning magic was leaving the camp, Covered with much bigger cuts and purple bruises in his body, he observes the sky, and finnaly have time to think he made lain bleed, that is something right?, maybe he can be something if he train right?... no... the self-hate was taking control of his way of think. 'you did only get a luck blow, luck will end' He thought. He could not recognize his small achievements, because his vision was too attached to what was seen as common where he lived. Without anyone to cheer for him? guide him? because they dont even see his as a magi after all. He get its a bad vibe for a long time.
(Phalanx)
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Phalanx vision ends... as his batte with kael in silverwall.

During the Phalanx fight, he was a little disconnected from reality, in his surroundings he no longer saw the surroundings of the mine, he saw it as if it were his homeland, and his opponent was one of his former mentors.

His strokes were beautiful and accurate, each one carried the weight of having to prove himself, with all his strength, in addition to what he himself could take, each kick and punch tore more and more his muscles, the adrenaline mixed with fatigue helped to forget.

Phalanx's face was in a state of trance, like a boxer holding on to keep from passing out.

But the reality came on horseback, to prove that he was not enough at the moment.

The sequence of claw attacks made him wake up to reality, he held on to the maximum using his iron body, but then he reached the limit time of spell, and the attacks got more wild, without choice he started to flex his muscles to defend himself each hit he trembles and flex again and again, most of his body was damaged.

In a last act of despair he throws a hard punch to the ground breaking him and forcing his opponent to get away from him, opening enough distance for an escape, now he was bleeding, while all his body muscles were torn and fatigued. "Im not finished with you... you will see me again" He smiles. "Lain..." He started to retreat. the memory of his shadow instructor was still strong.
(Phalanx)

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[Lung]

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You know what? I may have been through a lot, but I don't like to mourn to others, I find it very annoying, not being able to deal with your own problems and push it others. but i managed to solve my self-hate and that filled my heart with no more anger but joy.


I'm happy now, I found happiness in something, and that something now lives inside me once again,even without knowing what is it, i just feel it. Now, whenever i lose and prove that my mentors were right, that im not strong enough for this world, instead of sadness, i feel I cannot be overthrown by negativity or remorse anymore! After all i did my best, if that was not enough? there is no reason to be upset. only to find a new level and improve to that one.

Of course im not fully healed yet, and still have a lot stuff to improve, but is much better spend the bad momments or good ones, with something that make you happy.
                                                                                                                      -Phalanx

Memory Fragment
Nº: ???
Year: 1822
Location: Phalanx house.
Momment that make awoke: Phalanx and dimitri fight.
Level of impact: Hopeful.
Current status: Acceptance.

---

  Perhaps the only reason phalanx has been worse these past few years is because he had something he loved taken from him. replaced by another that couldn’t make him happy, it just pissed him off, according to his own words, eos helped in middle of fight and returned it? maybe it was his own love, or the trust he had lost in his potential? in the end not even he knows what was given to him. but he is feeling much better now.

  After a some moths of the event with lain the year ends and phalanx was in the begin of a new one. phalanx found himself lost in a spiral of hate, and discontent, his spirit was so strong that even with that he continued to train daily instead of just brooding in hate, even though in his view it was useless, the only friend he had, that not see him as inferior like the other ones, come pay a visit to give him a good new, and try to cheer him up.

---

At night, phalanx is lying on the bed of his room, looking at his fingers, irritated as he punchs the wall lightly, the sound of the door being knocked breaks this action. he goes to the door to see who it is, maybe someone wanting to sell something.

When opening the door his vision is much better, it was tatsu one of the friends who continued to motivate phalanx despite everything, he had gone on a mission so he had spent the months away.

"Good evening tatsu, good to see you again why you here" He looks at him and his new gear? he have some enchanted gloves with glowing runes, even phalanx could feel it coming from his hands.
(Phalanx)

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Tatsu who had come to phalanx's house, as soon as he knew what had happened, knew he was going to be in a bad shape, but he was surprised when he saw that phalanx was still training? well, at least he wouldn't have any setbacks after he tell him about something.

"What is this phalanx" He look as him from foot until head. "You look in shape but i can tell you're not good at all." He looks at him with a serious expression while get inside the house.

"Straight to the point, remember when they told us in classes, that we needed master a style to upgrade our melee combat? forget about it, i found i way that you could turn into a silver sentinel too." He sits in a chair new the dinner table.
(Tatsu)

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What ? a way? at first this did not make Phalanx very happy, after all besides not having digested the information well, he sat together at the same dinner table, trying to understand what was happening.

"What do you mean..." He looks confused at kai his face is still a mess
(Phalanx)

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Looking at phalanx still with an expression would he tell the gap he found. "There is a rule that says, recruit who breaks all records in physical exercises, has the right to be considered a silver sentinel." He pauses for a moment to see the phalanx reaction and then continues.

"Its not a easy thing to do, since all records were from the Mentors." He gets up and start to walking to the door. "Remember that blow you did in lain? you already have a good affinity to melee combat, you just need push youself to the limit. Think about it okay?" He leaves the house and closes the door.
(Tatsu)

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Still immature, blinded by low self-esteem, and frustrated, phalanx ignores what tatsu said, he just goes to his bed and lies down to sleep, maybe at least in his dreams he could have a little peace and dream of being someone. a pity not even there he had peace and could dream of being a sentinel.

Several minutes pass and he is able to fall asleep.

In a very strange dream he sees himself, with everything black, without exuding anything, but can he still hear a voice? strangely familiar, even though he has never heard it before, for the first time in his coming he feels in tune in the place he was? what place is this? he tried to see where the voice comes in the dark.

"Dont forget who you are," Then another one? each time one finish talking other appears... "How a punk like you ended up here? have some self respect", "Get them kid, you can do it, right into the balls". Then the weirdest one... "You're who we Always wanted to be, we just choosed ignore it and follow the world flow, instead your own." He feels.... welcomed?

His rapid heartbeat started to end the dream and he quickly wakes up scared, not understanding anything that had happened, instead of thinking about it, he just focused on what he felt, and remembered what tatsu said. a sudden burst of motivation was with him.
(Phalanx)

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After that? he spent the next 2 years, ignoring all classes that were related to magic, none of this would be useful for him now that he would need to focus on his goal, 2 hard years of training and training, in the course of them breaking the physical records one by one, one step at a time, from weight lifting, to throwing, resistance, strength and agility. With all this effort he obviously caught the attention of his mentors, who were impartial in this regard, but in the case of lain, it just pissed him off. in one of his training sessions after beating all records and being approved for try final examn as a especial case.  lain came to phalanx and said.

The world will teach you what we couldn't.
-Lain

He was not intimitated at first, but as he passed time in esshar, and thing happen, little by little his link to his motivation were dying, at one point he lose it forever. until one day...

---

In all his strides ... phalanx did not stop feeling something and thinking something. Strong... every blow was with his full mighy but more and more that feeling was consuming him... Why he was not doing damage? WHAT IM A DOING WRONG... IM GOING LOSE! he was starting to feel with fear.

Mortia dragged him and keep him away from dimitri while phalanx face her. he was on his knees... Losing hope he knew the max point he could get and he know he cant win this battle. he had give up? mortia rushes into him with full speed.

But he suddenly feel good? he felt like something he loved and was take from him came back... but how? blind godness is that you? you belive in my potential when even i do not?, in middle of battle... he dont had much time to think he just acted.

Seconds before the engage he enteres in a stance charging all his power and doing a FLYING KICK kicking her back do dimitri, he was not finished yet.

"Hey dimitri, have you ever heard this words?" He smile even knowing he could still not win but he was happy.

"Its not about win, its about doing you best." He rushes into a inhuman speed.
(Phalanx)

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Dimitri Asimov says, ". .but winning is better."

The vicious blows and constantly changing stances brought a heavy frown to Dimitri's face, so he decided to use Mortia as more of a distraction rather than a method of attacking.

Fist connected against onyx chitin as the Nethradin moved to interrupt the pugilist from getting too closer to her Master. As such happened, an ebony maelstrom was summoned to the location to barrage and cut into Phalanx's form again and again.

As he leaped forth to send a FLYING KICK into his sabotaged chest, the man found himself being launched far away by a vortex of unparalleled proportions! He was now back within the safe location of the mines, but the Spider's venom slowly began to take its toll.

Battered and wounded, Dimitri would look to the remaining Achyonites. ". .we return home."
(Dimitri Asimov)

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While being thrown away phalanx had lost consciousness for a few moments, after rolling very close to the mine he finds himself on the ground with only the memories of his former mentors speaking. 'World will teach you what we couldn't.' again and again.

Despite feeling bad he was angry with himself. he talked too much again and pay the price for it. After get up he goes back do osrona to treat this annoying poison. His spirit hurted more than his body of knowing his best will never be enough.

"They can haunt me as much they want." He splits some blood on his side.

"Im not giving up yet." He starts to walk.
(Phalanx)

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[Lung]

Crisis fragment 
Nº: ???
Year:???
Location: Phalanx home in osrona.
Level of impact:Hold on. 

---

Current status: Getting a little better everyday.

Inpired by Tanturum

Somehow im still here.

[Lung]

Memory Fragment

Nº: ???

Year: 1848

Location: Near the golem nest.

Momment that make awoke: Phalanx failed attempt to save a kid from Rigs.

Level of impact: Epiphany

Listen to me recruits, and take a good look at that wall, there is written all our ideals, conducts to be followed. But let me say something, is not a easy thing to do, the closest people that can follow that without letting the impurities of the world mess with our beings, are  monks, they are devotees to their faith and teachings, but they dont live to fight like us, that means we need a stronger will to keep in that path.

This is maybe the most difficult trial in being a silver sentinel, since the begin of our history, is knowed that one unknow force dance with the strings of reality in a not understandable way, and not having any link with good, evil, but instead, a way of interact with the world, a state of mind, our code was created to train our minds and achieve that state, that goes beyond the barrier of just faith, or  fighting for what is right , since everything is subjective.

In numerous times, is felt and reported by silver sentinels, that the influence of that force, in worst battles and the darkest momments, spar sessions and meditations sessions, change them. that their superficial vision of themselves is momentarily shattered, being able to see what was impossible before by the weight of mortality, is not a thing you can explain with words but feel instead. achieve that at least once in life is the pinnacle of being a silver sentinel.

-Commander Makarov

The following text can be found in the headquarters of silver sentinels.

Live a life with these words in your heart and actions, and you may become one, with the flow that doesn't follow a direction.

* The evil will always show the worse of one, while the good the best of one, the first step is find the balance on them, in actions and feelings. lose that balance and you faded to never hear the flow.

* The ones who fight to defend, have more to win, than the ones who fight to harm,  the second step is not be the one who harms, and you may touch the flow.

*A heart pump more than just blood into a being, he control the emotions, and the same are what make us able to let the flow touch us, but being controlled by them will take off your tact from the senses. the third step is, be above the mind limitations.

*Be alive means suffer, enjoy, lose, win, each passage have his own beauty and value, not understanding this, means a cracked body, may one day feel the flow into him, but is fated to see it leak out of him. the fourth step is awake the third eye. and you will see the flow.

* The flow dont helps, dont saves, dont judge, he is attracted by the mind of the being, by understanding all ideals and the state that instigates the flow influence, the last step is hold on tight, of what is important to the being, and a miracle may happen.

Inside his house, phalanx find himself with his emergency firsy aid kid with a potion know to heal any minor wound.

"I... was close to help, but i lost, if burly was not there to intimidate the monster? what would happened"

"You know what you did wrong, you step outside the code and payed the price, and is not the first time"

"That's true... i felt... hapyness to see that kid being on ground, about being right, instead of focusing in what was important, keep them safe, i also lost my focus to my emotions, lost my stance, got nervous, was not thinking..."

"And yet you expected to feel it, i dont see why you are surprised it wont worked."

"You right, is nothing a easy thing to do, and even  if i won, was not by the ideals , but by other factors, i may have lost myself, follow that path means die... a person cant keep like that and still be... a person."

"Phalanx? creating excuses to not keep trying? do you even listened yourself right now? dont sound like you."

"Pfff, maybe i was giving up on keep on that code, after what they done to my friends, is hard not to intervine, fucking vampires, maybe what i  need is spend some time at home, to refill the essence of silver sentinels."




What the fuck have in that pipe, phalanx was talking to the walls while heals himself into his room..... anyway, He decided make a trip back to his homeland, to clean himself from the world influence and back to straight to the ideals again, he lost his path, wandering in the world without pourpuse, chasing always something with hard training but never knowing what is or why he still training that hard.

[Lung]

Continuation of the end in previous post.

Phalanx return from his travel on the silver groove with a silly smile on it. what his path would lead now? he would let his ambitions destroy him? or we would stay on the ideals? one thing is for sure, he is the strongest silver sentinel alive that was not reached the domain of flow.

Backing to the silver groove never was needed for him to get strong. but the feeling of crushing the ones who crushed you? is hard not feel good from it, means he still cant keep straight on the Third ideal....

He may have applied the first and the second so much in his life that they are part of him now, but he still is lost in how add the third in his life, that feeling of joy shows he still out of it.

 On his home, a fat bird brings a letter to phalanx house, on the paper? an accusation of treason, along with a judgment that raises his entire history, due a investigaion of the terrorist attacks that took place in Cadarça. After finishing read the letter he dont put a reaction at all, anger, fear, guilt, nothing. He just think that now the time for travel was in that year, on his 30 years birthday, for someone that recieved a threat he was pretty Carefree.

*The only thing he was thinking was in back to their parents destroyed house, Do his thanks to them, and going to the place the deaths were honored let 2 sinkas on their graves, even with the bodies never being found.

*His second wish was go in his favorite lake, fish a native fish from that place, a Pacú a fish his dad always hunted on the winter and bring for dinner, it had become a tradition, since we was probaly arive in the middle of winter.

*His third wish and last was walk on the forest neat the tatsul house, say a hi and leave, no much more from it, he dont have any other wish on that land, talk with old mentors?, the ones who dont died?, old "colleagues" nop. he dont even look he remember the trial.

And then is what he do, taking a ship taking about 2 weeks to arrive at cadarça

When he arrives, the ship is immediately searched by new silver sentinels, some of them being old phalanx colleagues in his recruit age, they immediately ordered him to surrender, and then he would be lead to a cell since all was still under suspicious behavior, about three of them was surrounding phalanx, and he simply said.

No, thanks. I came willingly and I plan to keep my word. so let me through because I don't want to hear about this judgment until the moment it starts, if you guys insist and  attack me I will be forced to fight back.

 Of course they dont listened, since they had orders, and they immediately charged at him with a triple-sequence attack, each targeting a part of his body, leg, face and torso. "too predictable" Phalanx could see they movement patterns like a giant boar in a open field, he simply opened his iron body at the momment of the attack and all of them Flinched from it, getting stunned for a few seconds. Phalanx dont seem to care about then and simply walked to his old home direction like nothing as happened.

Instead of getting alarmed they decided let him go, and ask for more reinforcement without making too obvious they ignored phalanx while he still was close.

With a hour of walking he arrives at the wreckage of what was his house in path. and close to there, a field used for him to train turned in a place to honor the lives lost in that day.

In fact he still was sad about it, after all the last time he saw then was when he leaved to esshar, he simply let a tear fall down on the ground while walks towards the memorial, he needed some minutes to find their parents name Phaedra a kind mother and Valus a helpful father, he lights some candles on it since was starting to get dark and put one sinka in each one of their graves while close his eyes, he dont have much words to say after all as not his fault he still was out.

You know, i may was unable to help on the attack, but i still think if i had come back i could have found you two and helped, that pursues me to the grave but i avoid thinking on it, since makes better for my working, and no i dont forgot you to, but i think... i could had make the difference? for you two?.

His brief moment of mourning that could not have at the time is interrupted as he heard sounds of steps arround the place, surrounding he. His patience was shorter due the momment, he even felt the urge to finish this quick but he still was under the ideals training so he would need struggle against it.

He moves calmly towards the entrance, when he notices many loose ones around him, 20 in total by his count, all formed sentries from his training class, all suitable and strong magis that has pushed themselves to the limit, after finishing their final examn. a simple death stare is give to them wainting for what they would say, and was the same thing from before, surrender or you will be bring by force.

Again no response, simply entered in tactician stance and waited for them to rush, 2 lines of magi went to the attack while the other 2 stayed on back throwing pokes at phalanx with wind magic water, fire and all types, he counterattacked all the ones who came to melee combat, while dodged all the ones from behind his counter attacks were not punches he just were getting they openings and on grapples, throwing one in each other.

Eventualy only the casters were left, he simply he reached back and punched the air hard towards them, the ones who dont dodged got fainted by the powerful wind pressure blow, noticing that the few left were with no more intenctions to keep the fight, he just sayed he dont had intections of going to a cell before the day of the judgment. and turned his back to them. walking now to the lake he always liked.

With no more interruptions he goes fish.

Arriving on the lake, only good memories, when they come hunt with his father and fish here, he opens a small hole with his gentle punch on the ice without making a big crackle and waits until he can fish a pacu, with no much time he gets a big one, but thinks, that a meal alone would not be so good, then the ideia of having dinner with Tatsul cames, he dont lose time to go to his home.

He knocks on the door, but nobody anwsers, until he can hear some footsteps on snow, looking behind him he see tatsul coming to his home in time to see phalanx, and the first thing he ask "Im going have to beat you for we have a dinner or you think im guilty too?" He raises the fish with him. and tatsu with his proud smile just takes the fish and opens the door.


Savepoint

[Lung]

You know what they say, who want make you feel bad, is jealous or wants be you.

imagine being in peace on after life, then someone want bother with silly thoughts. (viktor was his old mentor)

                                                                                                                   "So spare me from your attempt to make me feel bad for being myself"