[StarMann]

There has been a question that I have pondered ever since I stepped out from beneath my Mother's shade and started to flourish in my own right:

Am I a good person?

You would think it an easy question. I of course believed myself to be so and I did good things. But it wasn't until somebody challenged my ideals that I realised, I wasn't doing good deeds for the sake of them. I was doing good deeds to get people to like me, to be helpful and useful so I would be involved in their lives. To stave off isolation and to garner appraise so I could feel better about myself.

When I realised this, I had a crisis of faith. I had thought I was a good person and yet I was just self absorbed, greedy. I took solace in Yggdrasil, just a seed at the time. And I forged a connection with it as it showed me the vastness of the world and my insignificance within it. I realised, at that point, that despite our scale we had a duty given to us. It was simple and yet difficult to achieve.

To leave this land in better condition than we found it.

And so, I nurtured altruistic skills. I developed white magic, not through the stars or though holy arts, but through the great tree and its connection to the spirit realm. I gave up a piece of myself to restore the lands after a demon attack. I drew upon all of my powers to heal my sisters. And then I fell in love. Aledius, my beloved, the first man I met that didn't judge me for my heritage, that allowed me to get close and teach him and, in return, form a bond outside of my family for the first time.

He had his own problems, the Coat, his home, was destined to be destroyed. In a moment of panic, not wanting to lose this love I had only just begun to grow, I helped him defend it, almost killing someone in the process, permanently altering their fate. My actions helped summon an evil into the world and devastate that which I was trying to protect. This wasn't the action of a good person. And so I turned myself in as penance.

My captors were not unkind, I was still allowed to wield magic to aid others and I spent most of my time aiding others and forming friendships. Yet no friendship ever eclipsed the first one. Bastina. She got afflicted by something from the void and despite the best efforts of myself and other white magics we were unable to cure her. My first failure of her, but not my worst.

The years passed and I improved, found friends, developed as myself. And even had children. And through all of this I considered myself to be a good person. One positively affecting the world. I thought that there would be nothing that would challenge this. I was a good person doing good things, surely there could be no issues with that. But, just recently, in the aftermath of my greatest failure; a thought nestled into my mind.

Why do we do good things for bad people?

This land and the people in it, on the whole are selfish, independent and greedy. I have spent my life giving myself unto others and I realise that I've just made myself a slave to their wants. A yes man to their needs. And I realise that I have never moved on from where I started. I may believe that I am not doing this to be liked but why do I allow people to take advantage of my kindness?

Is this where I want my children to grow up? I this the lesson I want the lands to teach them? No.

And so, on the eve of war I depart. Am I doing those I consider my friends a disservice? Of course I am. And I feel the guilt and the regret. But I cannot fight for those who do not stand for themselves. I cannot give my life for these people. We strive to leave the world better than we found it yet this land travels in cycles, repeating history again and again only replacing the nouns.

Giving my life here would only add me to the long list of history of the good natured that died to stave off oblivion only for it to manifest again before the last echoes of their name had even faded from the mouths of the people. There is nothing to improve in Esshar, it has no future, just the past rearing up again.

I go now, with my family, to somewhere they can grow, somewhere they can be a positive influence on the world, out of the shadows of this sordid land. I am sorry, to my friends both current and those I have lost to their own decisions. But there is no merit in dying for these lands. I am sorry Mother, for not being as strong as you. I am sorry sisters for leaving you behind. And I am sorry Bastina, for not being strong enough to save you from yourself.

The land is a wilting flower that I can no longer maintain.