NikolaNeijulate reflection
#1
"I know I've been a bad mother... Bad person in general."
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Theodora Wrote:I left Esshar for many reasons, but I never meant to leave you. Am I a taboo of our family? Probably am. I'm sure my own children are afraid of the atrocities I've done, how I left them, their father. How I tried to kill their new mother. How I failed miserably, how I badmouthed everyone. All of it was done... Out of spite, it didn't feel fair to me. Perhaps lashing out at every moving thing to make up for my own failures sounded like a better decision, but only in short-term

I don't know how my children are doing, if any of them are still alive Esshar forgives no mistakes, I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like this letter will fix anything. But it will give me sense of rest, of conclusion.

To my children:

Theodora Wrote:My dears, my little roses. My everything... I'm heartbroken that I, your mother, left you all. Something that had happened to me, something I tried to prevent. For I knew that having mother's love absent for the majority of your upbringing is painful as it is, it kills that part of you that only very few people are capable of restoring, that childish spark of kindness, the fun you get to experience only a few times in your childhood. And only sometimes, if ever. In the adulthood.

Som'nium, Sigmund, Rudi. All of the orphan children that I've tried to grant a home, shelter them from atoricites of war that Esshar was ridden with. I'm sorry, my apology won't fix anything, I'm a coward for letting my own demons take over my and your father's dream of having a full, functioning family.

I'm a traitor to both my family that I created, and the one I was born in. So I implore each one of you, whether you are in a beef, or seek revenge on one another... Hold yourself back, no matter how hard it is. Revenge in a short-term feeling of victory followed by hollowness of your mind. A shallow victory with a bitter taste.

No matter what happens, you are a family. And as hypocrite it sounds. You have to be there for one another. You have to stay strong despite whatever kind of hardships Esshar throws at you. I know all of you are strong in their own regards, whether with combat, or their words, or their craftsmanship. I implore all of you, as a mother; if I still have the authority to call myself that... I Ask you to work together, as a family. There will always be a greater threat trying to take you down after all.



To my beloved, Sigurd:

Theodora Wrote:I remember the day we met, the day I finally stopped caring about how big the world was, and how small I was. You became my world, and that is all that ever mattered to me. We went through hardships together, through losses, we cried together. Both of us were broken people, trying to piece ourselves together into a loving family. Did we succeed? I don't think I have, or at least. The major reason why was because of me.

No matter how much I screamed about your betrayal, no matter how I hated you. I understood all of it, but refused to accept that. It's hard to write this knowing that I may not be forgiven by you, by my children, by her. But a part of me believes that you'll find what I will finish writing this letter, a sense of rest, peace. At least a little piece of it...

To my nemesis, Maple:

Theodora Wrote:I never thought that I would be writing this, or even have the thought that I would ever forgive you for stealing Sigurd away from me, but I've came to accept the fact that you are far surperior than me in any way, you could make him happier than I ever would. Maple, it's been so many years. Our war, our fight. Of two broken people. I don't think it'll ever have a proper conclusion, maybe one day. In the darkest pits of Hel that will swallow us both whole, we'll find out.

Until then, I hope that you will find your peace, and if you have? I hope that you'll keep it close to yourself, don't let anybody take it from you. You weird speaking, husband-stealing, one-winged Drakanite.



To all of you:

 
Theodora Wrote:I've started to believe in such a silly thing as karma, it's retribution has been following me and after all those years, it catched up with me. Something that doctors have written of as 'inhaling too much of intoxicated air, byproduct of factories'. My lungs ache, bleed, and my cough is endless. And recently I've started to cough out blood. But I won't be getting any medical help, my time in this world is due. And looking back at it? I'm not proud what I'm leaving behind, a broken family, man, my children. So many things that I've failed to accomplish...

I know that I left all of you in this world of madness, sadness, war and tragedies. But if there's one selfish thing I want to do, it's to ask all of you to keep a promise. To look back at me and not be disgusted, but be disgusted and learn to not repeat the same mistakes that I have made in my life, perhaps it'll be the only useful, positive thing I will bring to this world, to all of you other than floating in the night sky, six feet apart from all of you. In your dreams. I'm leaving once more, I'm... Going to go and see my parents. I'm yet to ask them to forgive me.

Live and learn, it doesn't matter how much do you fall from grace, but your ability to stand up and face what's ahead of you. Stay strong, all of you.

- Theodora (Cre)sentis
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