The Colors that Never Come

[GSM]

o kraus, creator of mine, archangel of a name so high,
i pray you did not lament my doubt, or my choice.
your presence was there, wasn’t it?
you were one with me,
i was one with you.
the light burned from the inside
yet it was by that flame i emerged anew
never ending
i am not a killer, but still i sin.
this glorious, joyful creation still witnessed my anger.
my doubt, my violent anger, my weakness.
you do not hate me for it, do you?
i could not bear the weight of what i should have done
perhaps it was better of me to listen to my heart at its darkest
but maybe it was just a test in disguise
… feeling has returned, slowly.
tasting the air has not felt so wondrous as before.
hints of what i cast aside so long ago now bubble to the surface.
i feel it in your arms,
and i do not wish to be let go
just for the night
… yet hate and rage hangs in the air around me.
a life was lost because of a pursuant, misplaced feeling.
bridges burned before they ever existed.
i am sorry, exarch, spawn of lyseroth
my counterpart’s hands were just, but mired in blood.
i feared for this exact scenario, and nobody could listen to me
all i wish for is to continue my work.
they all need me, after all,
the children, the leaders, the lost, the growing.
yet, what of me
i dislike asking for help, yet i must
… but i did not need to ask for this particular feeling
i think i am beginning to understand this humanity in me.
with a guiding hand i have not held,
parts of me ignite in ways i am unsure could burn to begin with.
all i knew were names to faces of concepts,
but now i am making friends of them.
joy
excitement
catharsis
… love
i truly do not deserve this.
yet i cannot help but to selfishly indulge.
it is something to learn on my own,
and it feels right to incorporate it into my being.
inhale, exhale
i did not know that a human heart could do this
their greatest strength, their largest flaw, is here
i must interlock fingers with it
with her
more must be done.
this tragedy needs to be prevented from reoccurring.
i have shown how cowardly i am, after all.
even when i was fully just in enacting a price in blood
i only hope you all are proud of me.
my father,
my counterpart,
my oracle,
my children,
my students,
and my god.
i have found peace.
but will peace find me so easily?
i am not so sure.
all i may ask of you, my creator,
is that you let me enjoy this kindness given to me
please
but love has found me.
and for that, i could never express the joy i felt with words.