A Repentant Lament

[ASignalInTheNoise]

It has been a day of sorrows.

A nemesis appears.

The firmament is not as clear as it once was.

But the most sorrowful of all is that I cannot keep a promise that I made.

I had, long ago, promised you, my dearest friend - to never let myself become just a shield for others.

But that is all I have ever been, and thought you desired me to find a life beyond it,

I have failed you.

And in truth, I do not think I could have fulfilled that promise, even if the circumstances were different.

I do not need to admit my failure to you - you already know, dear friend. I know that you are saddened by it.

My love for this world, for my fellows - does not let me be anything other than the shield and the sword.

Even if doing so breaks me time and time again; my body more a litany of struggle, strife, and suffering than anything joyous.

I do not think I will ever know the happiness of a domestic life. The feeling of a child in my arms. These things ... were never meant for me.

And I am okay with this.

For all that I have fought and bled for - it is the laughter of a child on a clear day, the crackling fire in the hearth of an evening spent in good company,

The silent admiration of two lovers who have found their path. The simple warmth of a summer's day.

It is beautiful. And I will never know these things.

And I am okay with this.

So long as these things may be, I am okay with this. I am naught but a sword and a shield, and not even the finest Meranthe can offer-

And I am okay with this.

...

These scars are who I am, but even now, I recognize that I must shed them to keep what I love safe.

I am sorry, Loramelian, that I broke my promise.

But I did it for love.

For my love of you. For my love of my friends. For my love of the world.

The Path ahead is unclear. My Answer ... still so distant.

But I am not afraid.

Perhaps saddened. Those emotions will leave me, and only their fragments will remain as I strive for the divine.

But I will always know that they are why I fight, and why I have chosen this path.

I think She would approve.

It is my hope that one day, Loramelian, you will read these pages - and know why.