03-17-2024, 10:58 PM
It has been some time since I have written in this journal.
I seem to only return to it when I am at my lowest, tracing my fingers over untarnished pages.
And here I am once again, speaking my deepest shame to it. The most intimate guilt I have ever known.
I took a life.
I committed a murder.
The life ... of a Teraphim, no less. One of the few that remain, with Her grace gone from the world.
I feel so utterly unworthy of my blessings. Of my life. The shame burns in my soul and drags upon my shoulders,
For not only did I slay a man, but I left a woman with no other solace to suffer alone by my actions.
One who already bore an impossible weight.
I am so far beyond guilty. I wish to shrivel up into the darkest place there is and simply be forgotten by the world.
It is what I deserve. And yet, I am damned to duty, forced to pull myself from my penitence by men with more ambition than sense.
When we entered that temple, I had thought nothing of it; a chance to explore the world at large.
And then I heard what I thought was Her voice again. But it was different. Wrong.
... so, so wrong, now that I cannot stop reliving the murder over and over again in my head.
Doves. A choir of doves.
It would be so peaceful, if I was not burdened with the knowledge of what that heralded.
I was so hopeful. The sight of a Teraphim stole my breath away - and then,
exploiting our indignancy at the perceived persecution of an innocent,
Nousia used us.
We slayed the guardian of that Temple, Avaraine. The only friend of a most devoted of Eos, who bore the weight of her cursed sight for her.
And then Nousia,
The name I have come to curse, and almost to hate, murdered her before our eyes.
For nothing more than a feud between gods.
We were lured there with the promise of fate.
We were lured there to be used as tools.
And now, after so blindly letting myself be used, I have the blood of an innocent man on my hands.
I hate you, Nousia.
But now I understand you.
Now I will seek Lady Eos out, for I have gone from the path of Harmony to the path of Justice.
You and yours have to answer. I will see you stand and deliver, even if it demands my very life.
I make no threat to this silent witness - only a promise.
I was used, once, and I was a fool.
But you have used me again,
and now I am a victim.
There will be an answer.
I seem to only return to it when I am at my lowest, tracing my fingers over untarnished pages.
And here I am once again, speaking my deepest shame to it. The most intimate guilt I have ever known.
I took a life.
I committed a murder.
The life ... of a Teraphim, no less. One of the few that remain, with Her grace gone from the world.
I feel so utterly unworthy of my blessings. Of my life. The shame burns in my soul and drags upon my shoulders,
For not only did I slay a man, but I left a woman with no other solace to suffer alone by my actions.
One who already bore an impossible weight.
I am so far beyond guilty. I wish to shrivel up into the darkest place there is and simply be forgotten by the world.
It is what I deserve. And yet, I am damned to duty, forced to pull myself from my penitence by men with more ambition than sense.
When we entered that temple, I had thought nothing of it; a chance to explore the world at large.
And then I heard what I thought was Her voice again. But it was different. Wrong.
... so, so wrong, now that I cannot stop reliving the murder over and over again in my head.
Doves. A choir of doves.
It would be so peaceful, if I was not burdened with the knowledge of what that heralded.
I was so hopeful. The sight of a Teraphim stole my breath away - and then,
exploiting our indignancy at the perceived persecution of an innocent,
Nousia used us.
We slayed the guardian of that Temple, Avaraine. The only friend of a most devoted of Eos, who bore the weight of her cursed sight for her.
And then Nousia,
The name I have come to curse, and almost to hate, murdered her before our eyes.
For nothing more than a feud between gods.
We were lured there with the promise of fate.
We were lured there to be used as tools.
And now, after so blindly letting myself be used, I have the blood of an innocent man on my hands.
I hate you, Nousia.
But now I understand you.
Now I will seek Lady Eos out, for I have gone from the path of Harmony to the path of Justice.
You and yours have to answer. I will see you stand and deliver, even if it demands my very life.
I make no threat to this silent witness - only a promise.
I was used, once, and I was a fool.
But you have used me again,
and now I am a victim.
There will be an answer.