I'm terrible with words

[GSM]

I woke up like last night, hoping it’d be your warmth I wake up next to.
I watched as the graveyard got more and more lively, and I was powerless to stop it.
I couldn’t ignore the fact that you saw their graves more than ever last year.
I woke up like last night, knowing what you did.

You vanished.

I woke up and walked that brisk step through the continent.
And I saw that you joined them.

It all happened like you said it would.
One day, my selfish prayers would stop, and you’d be gone.
I’m the childish one for hoping it’d be different.
How am I supposed to tell our daughter, our friends?

What am I meant to do?

I don’t know. I really don’t have answers anymore.
It all feels like it’s all one big fucking cosmic joke, and I’m the punchline.
My husband, the love of my life, the light of my life—

Irreversibly, gone. Not meant to be anything more than an ephemeral memory.
Twisted into something unrecognizable by a girl with dreams bigger than her head can muster.
Bound for the very fate you avoided, year after year, until you decided it was over.

I still haven’t processed it.
I doubt I ever will.

Color lost vibrancy, breath lost purpose, food lost taste.
I can’t even get myself to move half the time.
How pathetic is that, Chireus’s Chosen unable to get her feet to step forward?
I’m nothing without you, it feels like.
And all this pain was self-inflicted, because I loved what was already lost.

How long will it be until all I can remember of you is what’s sketched in my books?
How long will it be until I forget what your voice sounds like?
How long will it be until the promise we held disappears from some twisted, divine law?

And now look at me.
I can’t even say ‘I love you’ to the grave you left behind.

I lost that ability.

I can’t say that phrase at all.

… wherever you’re watching from, I hope you realize what that promise meant.
I don’t plan on joining you for some time.
The me you loved probably doesn’t exist, anymore.

I’ll see you later.

I’ve got to stare in the mirror in my now-blind eyes and see just what I did to myself.

I hope you hate what I’m seeing, too.