The Colors that Never Come

[GSM]

it is hard to formulate in words how i have been feeling.
being mortal, being alive as a son of man—
it is equally sobering and enlightening.
there are many things i was not sure of, when i took my breaths first.
when i shed my first tears
as i stare into the mirror, i see all of the flaws of man in the flesh.
ones i once lauded, claiming my kin superior.
i looked myself in my human eyes for the first time today,
and i saw myself unconsciously smiling.
the form that stared at me was not who i am, but who i was
was i ever meant to be na'ria, to begin with?
perhaps an adjacent time has me dead now,
or i was born a human, as i am currently,
or maybe i never existed anymore.
perhaps that would be for the best
oh, i once believed myself the daughter of sak'noth.
many did, in fact, and that truth still remains in the being i was.
but in this past life, was he truly a father of mine?
one who only gave me life, then left me in stagnant silence.
even if it was not his fault, i still am sorrowed for it
… i have grown to prefer the silence, these days.
as i have died twice, now—
once due to my sins, expunged by the weight of my own effort,
another due to a being beyond any of our scopes, yet still hearing my name.
at least i can now breathe, knowing i will wake, even if slumber scares me
i understand why he has been sleeping for so long.
the silence is amicable, when you seek it.
yet, i hunger for more than a momentary reprieve.
father is allowed his rest as much as i deserved to be sealed.
he will return, and i will not know what to say
… father.
such is not true anymore, is it?
as i have shed the mien of a demon and become my own,
yet continue to strive upwards, chasing my own little sun.
like xarxes, i suppose, yet i must stop to enjoy the little things
yet, talguth is not an equivalent figure, is it?
as it has lingered with me for so long,
guiding me along this endless weave of the grand design,
enlightening me to the narrative structure of this world.
even so, i cannot help but to smile when i believe it is near me
but we are not true kin, as we have differing aspects.
freedom and knowledge are linked, but not bound.
a spirit that despises corporeality cannot father any being that requires it.
yet why is it that we share such a dull resonance?
it is because we are so kin in concept, as it put; we are the same
i may have once been the daughter of sak'noth.
some may describe me as the daughter of talguth, now.
but the truth is plain, you see;
i am not blood of your blood.
i doubt i ever will be, and it sorrows me
call me demon, but such was expunged upon these wings of white.
call me human, but a glance can show you that i am not.
call me archon, but i stared to tragedy and rejected her very ideals.
what will you call me, then?
even i don't know the full answer, and i am the altered one
one of them?
all of them?
none of them?
none of them.
all i wish to be is a name, if i still have one anymore
i am na'ria.
i will bear this cross writ with my sins until the end.
be that end my redemption or my death.
i am incomplete.
i am not na'ria
but i am knowledge incarnate.
i must know what i can be, what i must be.
until i can look at myself and know that i am me,
that i am indeed na'ria, that i am fully realized,
that i am absolved of all wrong and sin
then i will walk.
i am hated.
i will be hated.
good.
i forgive them
i will not hate them in kind.
for that is the path i now walk.
i am not blood of your blood,
as it runs violet still.
will it continue to spill?
but i will love this new life all the same.
if only to learn what loving life truly means.
i'm still so unsure of that sensation, but i want it so badly