I Don't Know Who I Am

[Sunsets over Moonlight]

. . .

The following letter can be found at the resting place of the True Giant on Mount Pavonis. Unfolded, the letter is surrounded by four flowers whilst in a sea of many: marignolia, azilaena, saniskriti, and perdegrine. It is easy for it to get utterly lost. The statue itself seems to have been cleaned of any dirt it's sustained over the months and turn of the new year since its creation.
. . .

Dear Jokul,
 
Twenty-five autumns ago, I was sitting on a bench by myself after the sun had set and the dark sky gave way to a high hanging moon. I remember it very fondly. A part of me wanted to speak with a kind elderly man who spoke with me some days prior, but I lost courage. I remember not having a lot of courage, so I sat there on a bench by myself, letting my mind drift to thoughts I had no true certainty about. My thoughts weren't my own, nor was my body, or my mind. I was only certain in my uncertainty- the city I now call home was akin to a dark, strange forest with history and peoples I could not relate to... then I remember how the ground shook rhythmically, like someone's heart was pounding so loudly, I could feel it at my feet. Or maybe, it was the start of an earthquake and I was seconds away from dying after I was barely alive.
 
Coming into view, taller than the street lamp that towered next to the bench was a man. I could not comprehend how massive he was. I thought I was going to die all over again. Then he spoke and I somehow felt seen underneath the moonlight and real. The specifics are unimportant. I asked questions before he fit me into his hand and took me to a hill. We looked out over a statue of a woman I did not know- it was before She meant everything to me. To this day, I am left only to speculation regarding why. Such a miniscule decision set the trajectory for my life. Mere whim helped mold me into who I am today and I am left only to wonder what could have been.
 
I don't know how to deal with this. I cannot deal with the feelings regarding losing someone who helped shape me into who I am. She holds grief, not I. A master at it thanklessly, yet I struggle to wade through these coming emotions. I cannot talk, I cannot act- I can write. Even if my gaze is glossy, I can write and feel at peace. It was you who told me to. Famous, they call me. They call me a celebrity. They say I am influential, yet I would not have written a single word if not for your suggestion. Purpose, we spoke about on many occasions. You questioned my lack of it when I had no idea who I even was.
 
I don't know who I am.
 
At least I didn't. I do not recall having a confident answer to your question each time you asked. Sometimes, it was writing, somethings healing. My purpose revolves around my people and Nemea. I am utterly devoted to Her and I would sooner give my life if it meant I could see Her for even a moment- just like how we saw Enarr and Gala. I am unworthy of it, though. I am content with how things are. Content with this unbearable responsibility you've given me. I will see to it, soon. The new century will see my people brought to Elfame... I am breaking underneath it all. I am angry at you. I am happy for you. I am sad over you. Did you see it? The man who attacked me where you rested? How I ached and bled and fled.
 
How I won, barely.
 
I will never forgive you for leaving the way you did. You never got to meet them, and they'll be unable to form their own opinions about the cruel, awful man who had a huge impact on my life. Colored through my own recollections, then tainted by your varied history; I won't ever forgive you for that.
 
I hope you are finally resting even if you could not die how you wanted to all those years ago.
 
Sincerely,
Sunsets over Moonlight