I do feel the urge to give into despair. I can feel it wrapping itself around my heart. It takes everything I have to fend it off.
There is a hole within me that, for a time, had been filled by his presence. Now I feel the absence stronger than ever. I grieve for Vaelrun, but I must celebrate his life, not mourn for his passing. The dead are never truly gone, they are just changed. In a way that is a comfort, to know one day we may meet again. Whether either of us are aware of the other is an entirely different matter. I suppose it is the memory of those moments where he helped me crawl from my shell that give me the strength to go on.
And I am not sure I can continue as I once was.
There was a taste of freedom in what that warrior, bound to his own chains of duty, had shown me. The possibility of showing someone who I am, without fear of retribution or the terror of losing what I had never truly earned. After all of this I think I want to simply be in my own skin and not feel like I am always hiding.
I love Mephisto, Rapheal and the others. They are the family I was denied in my old life. But if I continue like this then there will be nothing left of me. The progress I had made will be lost and I will fall back into the old fears that had dictated my life more than anything else. I do not want to become a husk devoid of dreams and comfort. Perhaps it is time I end this chapter of my life, even if I cannot know what comes next. Will they reject me once they know the truth? I suppose so. I did kill their sister and lied to them for almost two decades. Will I be detained and executed, or simply exiled from Aphros? Will the other faceless defend my life upon learning the truth, or will they conspire to hunt me down and assassinate me for refusing to be controlled?
Maybe that is the beauty in this life we live. The future is an uncertainty.
I do not know if any paths to a bright future await me, but I walk barefoot on the gravel to honour Vaelrun's memory. He would want me to keep moving forward. Whether I die, or find myself in exile, I know voicing the truth can only be a good thing. Nothing can undo my sins, but I can do the great kindness of finally admitting my fault.
If this is my last entry then let it be known that I regret my actions and I accept my fate with as much dignity as this liar can afford.
There is a hole within me that, for a time, had been filled by his presence. Now I feel the absence stronger than ever. I grieve for Vaelrun, but I must celebrate his life, not mourn for his passing. The dead are never truly gone, they are just changed. In a way that is a comfort, to know one day we may meet again. Whether either of us are aware of the other is an entirely different matter. I suppose it is the memory of those moments where he helped me crawl from my shell that give me the strength to go on.
And I am not sure I can continue as I once was.
There was a taste of freedom in what that warrior, bound to his own chains of duty, had shown me. The possibility of showing someone who I am, without fear of retribution or the terror of losing what I had never truly earned. After all of this I think I want to simply be in my own skin and not feel like I am always hiding.
I love Mephisto, Rapheal and the others. They are the family I was denied in my old life. But if I continue like this then there will be nothing left of me. The progress I had made will be lost and I will fall back into the old fears that had dictated my life more than anything else. I do not want to become a husk devoid of dreams and comfort. Perhaps it is time I end this chapter of my life, even if I cannot know what comes next. Will they reject me once they know the truth? I suppose so. I did kill their sister and lied to them for almost two decades. Will I be detained and executed, or simply exiled from Aphros? Will the other faceless defend my life upon learning the truth, or will they conspire to hunt me down and assassinate me for refusing to be controlled?
Maybe that is the beauty in this life we live. The future is an uncertainty.
I do not know if any paths to a bright future await me, but I walk barefoot on the gravel to honour Vaelrun's memory. He would want me to keep moving forward. Whether I die, or find myself in exile, I know voicing the truth can only be a good thing. Nothing can undo my sins, but I can do the great kindness of finally admitting my fault.
If this is my last entry then let it be known that I regret my actions and I accept my fate with as much dignity as this liar can afford.
![[Image: dOmPfIR.png]](https://i.imgur.com/dOmPfIR.png)