love me at the ungodly hour.

[Mali]

Won't you love me?

Won't you hold me?

Won't you hug me?

Won't you love me at the ungodly hour..

Entry Three: a beautiful song

"I've had many dreams lately."

Of the same moment that we had one night upon the bench. Of the same moment, when I you had forewarned me- when you told me that it would more than likely be your last time seeing me. I denied it, being the naive, little girl that I am, but we both knew the truth. Somewhere, deep within both of our hearts, I knew that when you told me that you loved me for the last time...I just knew that it would be for the last time. There are a lot of things that I regret within this world-...A lot of things that I wish that I can take back- and the worst thing that I have ever felt that I've said is how much I hated you. In reality...Father, you're the best thing that has happened to me. You're my everything. You were the light that was guiding me through this darkness. The hope that even if I am to be defiled...That in some way, in some strange way, that I could be forgiven for all things that have happened. But no matter how much I might try to forget-...I feel it upon my heart. There's a few things that I wanted to say but couldn't, because I knew that we'd argue. I knew that we'd fight. But these questions remain so dear to me..

"Why did you have to be so selfish?"

"Why couldn't you stay home and not fight...Why did you have to lay everything down?"

"Why did you have to leave?"

"Why did you leave me and Aeliana when we needed you the most?"

"Why couldn't you get up? Why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I just fucking move?"

Every time I close my eyes, I think about those last moments before the end. I think of how my breath stopped...Of how my world fell on itself, but these terrible moments are nothing in comparison to the times that I've had with you. And I think that is why it hurts the most. Why couldn't you have hated me father? Why couldn't you have turned me away and said that I wasn't yours? Why does it hurt so much being without you? I can't stop thinking....Our best parts rewinding over and over again in my mind and all I hear is the same thing of how much you've loved me. But when it was my turn to prove it- when it was my turn to stop him...I couldn't show you how much I loved  you. Papa...I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop feeling like I'm alone....And the worst part of it is that Aeliana will also be going to war. Father...My head hurts, my heart hurts, my soul aches....And I'm afraid to say this, but I don't want to be this way. My world feels cold without you and the whispers tell me the same thing over and over again.

"If I can't be happy...Why should anyone else be?"

I've never been a giver. . .But I know what it is like to take. And right now, I feel as if taking is the only thing that is left for me. It's the only thing that helps me forget...Forget that you are not here. And so-...If I am to be alone, if I am to suffer...If I am to feel hurt for not having you, then everyone else will feel that too. Everyone else will hurt until I feel better. I need no rhyme, nor reason. I need...I need....To not feel empty.

I've a mirror. Each time I look in it, I see my worst fear a thousand times over.
One would think that it replays the same thing, but...Over time, it changes.
It changes until you see something different, it changes until you see....
yourself.