A Doctor's Sworn Blade

[Esmeraude]

I don't think I am ready.
And I don't know if I ever will be.
How does a doctor fall into this position?

---

  

  
War... It feels like every day I trained for such, meant nothing in the end.
Every blessing I took, each word's of trust in my strength that was thrown at me.
How can a blade cut for all, when it can't even cut for the wielder itself?
  
What happened to me? It felt so fast, I couldn't even think.
No time to develop in combat, this terrain wasn't something I was used to.
Made to look a fool, the only small window of opportunity I didn't use to its full potential.
   
Look at me, laying on the ground.
Soaked in my own demise, my own defeat.
Wounds a doctor can't heal, open up inside me.
And I still don't understand them, even as I gaze up.
    
She's looking down at me, laughing at how I fell.
Something inside me can't help but feel sorry.
    
...Sorry for myself...
   
This feels like the end for me, as I could never become what they wanted me to be.
I couldn't fulfill our dreams even after you died, or bring closure to the broken hearts left behind.
Never would I be able to call myself a healer, as I have only been naive this whole time.
  
I've been seeing spirits... And my eyes ache.
  
But they let me live.

  

What's more painful than death?

Feeling undeserving of life in a single moment.

Dragged away from what could've been your grave.

And traded for another prisoner, a life for a life...

   

But why me?

It could have been any of them.

So many of us were captured, and I watched.

   

I watched them all as I was taken away.

The pain they felt, and fear in their hearts.  

Luck was the only thing that kept me alive this day.

But I should have been by their sides in their final moments.

    

To live feels painful now, as I can't even look them in the eyes.

Given back to my home, and welcomed with so much love.

It made me think about what others had lost today.

    

I don't have time to feel sorry for myself anymore.

The only thing I can do for them now is to live for us all.

And this time I swear, I swear my blade will cut them down.

For every single one of you, that I watched get taken away from me.

    

                                                                                                                                       Eurydice...

                                                                                                                                                Cassius...

                                 ...Tea

                                                      ...Renly

    

People of Myllenoris and Nysea.

So many wounds that a doctor can't heal.

Please give me time, and I will learn how to mend you.

   

Aschea, guide my heart.

And guide theirs too.

  

It still hurts...

...How do I mend myself?

 
Thoughts of a Young Doctor.