I Wanted Wings

[AbstractTraitorHero]

I feel empty.

It gnaws at me, the waves crash against this little rock, wears me away. I can't see it; I could never see it. But I hear you, hear your voice whenever I roll my hand along a head. I feel Zerscala's voice flooding through me after. I feel the tug, the ever-present desire for oblivion, when death was vanquished from my mind, yet her cruel echo remains. I can't drag myself away from what I've chosen, I no longer have the right, I rose from the ashes. I found a place for people like me, there will always be people like me, a child asked me if I cared about all that I've done, I would not have if I was younger.

It'd all be so much EASIER.

If you just left my memories. If I scooped them out. If I could forget warm sands at night. I can hear you all atop the wall, hear the night market bustling, can imagine you screaming out my name. Begging for me to come HOME still & some part of me, that I'm forced to discard wants that so badly. Wanted so badly on Krausmas to just walk in & pretend for even a moment that I've never done any of the things that I did. For the gift that I'd give you, all of you could just be?

M e.

Yet we all know it's not possible.

So close, yet so far.

Would you kill me? Would you damn me? Would you scream at me if I'd walked in that day? Do warm sands still want me, truly, genuinely? Will you all keep trying to force me off this path. Chop off my wings, break my horns, rip off my arms, leave me weak & powerless. Free my soul, force me to live with you all, force me to live with all I've done. I want it, want you all to care, want you all to still love me, want you all to do anything & everything to hurt yourself over & over & over & over & OVER.

I can't let you forget.
I can't let you not love me.
I can't forget, I can't forget.

I need you.
I need you to want to save me.
No matter what I do.

No matter what a monster I might become.
No matter who I hurt.
No matter who I kill or maim or break or what I become responsible for.

I want you.
I want all of you.
To obsess over me for eternity, just like I do you.

L o v e m e P l e a s e.