11-28-2024, 12:51 AM
I can taste it that moment where skin was put back on me. The salt of my own tears, the feelings welling within me, as the pain began to fade from me. As I felt his fibers, as I had lips again, I had everything again. I can still taste it, the filth, the fear, the anger, that desperation burning within me as something within me screamed. Every step I take in this body, as I sit across from a man trying to offer me everything, as I sip wine, as I feel so hollow while being offered a third pathway.
Do I really deserve it?
A Piece of Shit?
Like me? Does she really deserve to have a sense of purpose, does she really deserve for Roman to care for her? For Hemlock to care for her, for Kalvorn's words to be flowing, swirling about in my head? Trying to offer me so much, I'm twisted inside & always have been, I can feel my breath giving out, the taste of black trout tastes like the filth. Tastes like it, gritty & unpleasant, my mind swirls, thinking of him, thinking of a mentor while I sip wine, while the world converges.
Of how badly, each time I'm presented with the opportunity. Each time that I think of who I am, each time I feel hollow, this sense of depravity. A cold weight upon me, I'm reminded of for some reason? I keep saving people, I would have died in those floodwaters, I would have died in the sewage of gloomlight, I would have perished, yet more than anything?
I wanted him to live.
Do I really deserve it?
A Piece of Shit?
Like me? Does she really deserve to have a sense of purpose, does she really deserve for Roman to care for her? For Hemlock to care for her, for Kalvorn's words to be flowing, swirling about in my head? Trying to offer me so much, I'm twisted inside & always have been, I can feel my breath giving out, the taste of black trout tastes like the filth. Tastes like it, gritty & unpleasant, my mind swirls, thinking of him, thinking of a mentor while I sip wine, while the world converges.
Of how badly, each time I'm presented with the opportunity. Each time that I think of who I am, each time I feel hollow, this sense of depravity. A cold weight upon me, I'm reminded of for some reason? I keep saving people, I would have died in those floodwaters, I would have died in the sewage of gloomlight, I would have perished, yet more than anything?
I wanted him to live.
I wanted wings, so that moment engrained into me for the rest of my life. That moment of agony & pain, burned alive, that moment of triumph as the sewage & the water flowed & rose by my command. As for the first time in my life I flew, as for the first time in my life, I was unstoppable, I was a savior, I was doing something. That I do every time, with the faeborne, with my mentor, who insults me with that little pet name, when the chips are down, when everything is on the line, when someone's future is about to be stolen from them.
I Act.
Who am I? Who am I supposed to be, why did I let myself feel all these things? Why did I make things so complicated, why did I allow myself to feel these things? I thought I wanted to have power, I thought I wanted to be atop, yet why do all these feelings swirl within me, breaking me, crashing upon me, crumbling me down just like the sea does to the world. I am crumbling apart, I am a rock that has worn down & turned into sand & I am about to crumble inwards.
I want to Die in a War.
I don't want to be seen like this, don't want to have to make a choice. Don't want to be forced to pick a side, to pick a choice for my life. I just want to die, to be forgotten in this moment, to be forced. To have my fate decided, for someone or for me to die & thus, I can just force myself along down a path, let myself go with the flow. Circling around a drain, I'm going crazy, I'm losing it all, I'm about to lose it sipping wine with you, Kalvorn. The death you want to end, seems so fucking.
S w e e t~
I Act.
Who am I? Who am I supposed to be, why did I let myself feel all these things? Why did I make things so complicated, why did I allow myself to feel these things? I thought I wanted to have power, I thought I wanted to be atop, yet why do all these feelings swirl within me, breaking me, crashing upon me, crumbling me down just like the sea does to the world. I am crumbling apart, I am a rock that has worn down & turned into sand & I am about to crumble inwards.
I want to Die in a War.
I don't want to be seen like this, don't want to have to make a choice. Don't want to be forced to pick a side, to pick a choice for my life. I just want to die, to be forgotten in this moment, to be forced. To have my fate decided, for someone or for me to die & thus, I can just force myself along down a path, let myself go with the flow. Circling around a drain, I'm going crazy, I'm losing it all, I'm about to lose it sipping wine with you, Kalvorn. The death you want to end, seems so fucking.
S w e e t~