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Now we are here, I wonder, truly.
Will this world remember my deeds? What I have done for Fortune, the very title of Seneschal being my creation? I suppose not, and such is the nature of my endeavors.
There are so many things...
And it feels as if history will remember me not for what I've done, but for what has been perceived to be my actions; I'm quite vile, they say. Maybe not anymore, I've hidden myself away quite well.
Will the world believe, none of it was achieved by genuine effort, or there was purpose behind my motions and endeavors?
Alas, that matters little now. I am but a shell of whoever I might've been.
It is disappointing, I've grown tired of life at such a young age. I think, that is my flaw.
In the end, I lacked perseverance, the will and dedication to see everything through to the end indefinitely. Too afraid, too prideful, too smart, too stupid, too fast, and too slow, I had every reason to not persevere, and now I see that was no one's fault but my own. I should've kept trying, even if it killed me.
But this is nice, tears fell from my eyes in night past, however I've come to accept reality.
In my heart, my deeds will last forever. I know, those who know, will remember my merit forever more. This is why, I am thankful for having had the chance at all to show what I've got.
Taking a chance on a socially awkward girl dressed up in all pink, like some sort of caricature of femininity.
And to think I betrayed them, making myself more like a man in an attempt to garner respect, to make my peers take me seriously.
I stopped crying, I stopped smiling, I stopped showing emotions, I became the aggressor and even then I failed to maintain this facade in perpetuity, when it was too much I broke down.
I wish I could go back, and do things differently. I could tell myself, Shiri... Don't sacrifice your femininity to be accepted by structures you don't need to validate your worth.
Be yourself, and be content with the consequences.
But I'm content, still.
I am content with being this errant philosopher, trying to discover the meaning to life's true questions. Lonely as it be, I believe it is a task only I can achieve. Though, I don't perceive many to appreciate my writings within this life. Maybe, one day, some curious child will pick up a dusty book in some far-flung library and for her, him, or them, my teachings will be gospel.
A suitable retirement for a restless mind, bent on improving the world around her.