I Don't Know Who I Am

[Sunsets over Moonlight]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. not him not him not him not him not him not him not him anyone anyone anyone anyone anyone anyone anyone but him nononononononono nononononononono
2116
. . .

I heard something horrible happened. This bad feeling clawing streaks into my heart has deepened its beat and crushed my ribs. Something awful has happened and I ignored it, hoping it wasn't true. Something despicable, something unforgivable looms in overcast and I am unsure when the downpour will drown my garden of flowers.

 

Something... has happened to you. 

 

Something... awful.

 

Something...

 

...I met a knight a long time ago. He was a boy at the time who could not see colors as I did. Reds were brown and yellows and shades of muddy blues. This stuck most at the start and I don't remember why. I couldn't foresee something horrible happening to keep my distance forever and ever and ever so it wouldn't hurt later. Or be impossible to believe.

 

I think I hate myself. I don't understand myself or my values or why I did not compromise the integrity of Sunsets over Moonlight, soon-to-be Monarch of Delphina, its Heir and Her Luminary, to walk with you. My knight in shining armor, a piece of him that walks with me when he could not.

I will never walk with you again.

 

Because something horrible has happened to you and I wish it were me instead, but you wouldn't want that. I feel like I've Iost years of my  life, like the memories have died with you. Who took you...? War, something evil and unforgivable. For some nights, or maybe it has been months, I lived in denial. 'In loving memory' condolences find it's way north, taunting me and I refuse it. I refuse it, I refuse it, I refuse it, I refuse it, I-

 

I am sorry, Ezra.

 

No part of me has been primed for this even if She is grief and I should understand and I do, but I do not. It should have not been you. Why was it you? Why did it have to be you? If not you, then who? Who better, you must've thought, than you. You're selfish. You're selfish and selfless, Ezra. How could you? Before I gained the courage to accept your invitations once more. Who will watch me when I walk? Who? Who? Who will protect my wailing heart beyond the safety of my home. Fear, constant, and it is your fault.

 

Yours.

 

Why?

 

...Why?

 

How long will I shed burning tears in defiance? My tears will not undo what has been done. I want my heart to empty and stay kind... For you, my dear, sweet and fond memories:

 

I will eradicate and burn it all in the kindest, cruelest sense. Watch as I excise all that would dare take night and day from my life. This, my eternal promise to you, Ezra.

 

Sincerely,

Where the Sun sets and Moon shines