[Dimmie Dunce]

They told me, Son. Yer special, you were born to do great things... Y'know what? 

They were wrong.

Pa passed away. Bruised, beaten, battered. Ma and I took care of him as best as we could... Maybe, if I'd joined the church, maybe if they'd just been on their charity drives a bit earlier, we could have avoided it. We couldn't bury him. There'd be no place to bury him, we couldn't afford a plot, and going through the proper 'networks' means we'd have to tell them how he passed. I know those pigs wouldn't believe us, they never do. Not that it'd really matter, Canaries are above the law anyway. They're the ones that feed the pigs their daily slop so they'll stop squealing and whining. An acolyte from the church was kind enough to grace us with some last rites. He's in a better place.

Bit envious of my old man, even. Left me with a mess, didn't he? I know how he got into such a state. Saw it with my own eyes. Saw what they did to Ma too.

She's sick now. A 'sickness of the spirit'. Medicine, foods, anything the church offers and anything I can... Borrow... From the local clinics haven't been working. I know the few missionaries that have passed told me this, that it's inevitable, that all I can do is make her passing a little easier. But how can I?

I went out of town with Mavis today. To try and take my mind off of things. But it always kind of just... Goes back to the same thing. Pa's dead. Ma isn't going to get better, and I'll... Amount to nothing. Always nothing. It doesn't help that Mavis keeps getting these foolish ideas in her head. How she's going to run some amazing potion shop, talking about the stories that we're all told. I just told her I couldn't read, easier to lie than argue with her about it. Or call her out on how stupid she's being. I kind of did, though. Maybe I shouldn't be so mean but-

But a part of me hates her. Kind of a shitty thing to say about my only friend isn't it? Sure, she's just as poor as the rest of us. But she's always so optimistic, her parents love her. Her dad didn't get himself killed over some stupid pride bullshit, and her mother didn't give up. Doesn't sit in her home, withering away like some sort of rotting vegetable. Doesn't act like she isn't there...

I'm glad she's my friend. I just wish I could show her that no, it isn't getting any better. Bring her down to my level...

I'm getting sidetracked or something. We met some hermit kid somewhere. I won't say where, even to my own journal. I promised I wouldn't, and I intend to keep it. I guess she's... Alright. Seemed genuinely concerned about my old man. Doubt it's genuine, everyone wants something... But, I guess I'll try to remain as optimistic as Mavis, even if Mav is a complete idiot....

What will I even do once Ma passes. What's even keeping me in the slums. Safety, I guess. No creatures lurking about, bandits, whatever. Worst we have to worry about behind the walls is a snobbish canary doing whatever they please, or a zealous pig wanting to put us lesser folk 'in our place'.

Sometimes I wonder if I should throw myself into those stupid dreams Mavis goes for. Try to become something I'm not. Can I stomach working for the people that ruined my life? Is sacrificing the very notion of revenge worth a spot in the lap of luxury... Sitting in a Canary's house, sipping something fine- adorned in a Knight's glossy armor... Could I stomach that, though? I don't know...

Maybe that talk about the Syndicate has it right. Maybe a good uprising needs to happen. I don't know. I wish I had an answer. I hate not having Pa here to help me just, think. Hate that Ma may as well be dead- would be a mercy. Guess that's why I finally made myself a journal. But I wonder how long till I have to sell ya to some snob just for enough coin to get by again...

Maybe it's useless. Maybe I'm not cut out for anything. Once a slum rat, always a slum rat...

[Dimmie Dunce]

Ma is gone. She has been gone for a while. I should have known it was coming too. I was changing her bedpan the night before and she finally moved! Without me helping her, I was so excited... She grabbed my wrist and turned over... Her eyes were all hollow and tired, and the fuzz around her wolfy ears were still graying and dulled. She looked at me with this sort of sad, tired look, and just said: “I’m sorry.” before turning away. I should have known better, should have taken that chill to her words in earnest but i just... I was so stupid. I just told her everything was alright, no need to be sorry and all that. Then i left her be for the night.

Next day, I didn’t really stay home. I donno why I didn’t check on her first, I normally do. Instead I ran off to the mines, got myself hurt, and helped Mavis find that Rhene lady. I didn’t trust her, not one bit. Donno how Mavis could. That was all on my mind, that and the aching injury.  I remember going home and passing out for a bit, and when I woke up... something smelled off, something fierce. I paid it no mind, since I hadn’t visited Remei that day yet, and headed out there instead.

Spent most of the night hours there. She helped me with my arm, shared some stories too... It was nice, kinda reminded me of when May and I were like seven and eight. Hanging around telling ghost stories and what not...

Last good thing that’d happen though. I went home and made some stew outta what leftover rat gibbilts I had and went to the basement. It was all quiet, and the smell was worse... Just worse than usual. She didn’t move when I tried to get her to eat again. But that was notmal... But, but. She wasn’t breathing...

Rest of it is all a blur. I remember shaking her, crying, screaming. Then I was outside. Trying to act like it was all fine. Found Mavis hanging out with some prissy girl and some flamboyant looking wralthy fellas and I just kept getting angrier and angrier and...

I don’t know. Fell asleep in some ditch after that...

Next day I wandered a bit. I forgot to visit Remei... I’ll tell her sorry when I see her on the morrow... Talked to... To someone about some crazy mad shit. Made me feel something again, excited? Happy? Wished Ma and Pa could have heard it. I think they’d have liked it...

I went inside after that. Smell was stil there. I knew I should have burned her to ash in the furnace like we did with pa... Kept her ashes in the urn next to his. But I can’t. I just... I just can’t. I go down there and stare. I failed her. Failed my old man. Failed my mom... I get all shaky, and my stomach clenches and I just want to get out and run until my legs can’t run no more...

Instead I read one of the books on magic Ma had... Stayed outside reading it and eating some jerky a quirky lass had been giving out. Just trying not to think. We all die. We all experience loss, right? Why did it hurt so much. I knew it was coming I knew... Mavis showed up, and I got so fucking angry. Looking at her. Remembering her spilling her dreams to some hoity toity bitch that holds hands with fucking nobles.

The people that did this to my mom. That killed my dad. I was so mad and she wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Kept pestering me over and over and I just wanted her to shut up and leave well enough the fuck alone! I can hardly remember what happened after I shouted at her... After I hit her. It’s all just a blur...

I should visit Remei tomorrow. Another story about the dead will help me think... Gods, I hope I didn’t hurt Mavis too badly... 

I’m so sorry....